*** Note: I believe this dates from just before the demise of the PR1ME after the graduation of the class of `91. (charles)*** This file contains the last couple hundred lines from the GRAFITTI [sic] file from the PR1ME computer we used to have. Several hundred lines have been excised (and placed in OLD_GRAFFITI.TXT) in order to not overwhelmingly intimidate newfolk with the utter length of this thing. ********* You are innocently vacationing in Tijuana. Some person of indeterminate gender comes up to you and offers you three hundred dollars to drive their car to Albuquerque. You, stoned out of your mind, accept. The next morning the '77 Chevy is stopped by the Border Patrol. They search your trunk. Rolled up inside a sleeping bag they find three and a half pounds of burnt spaghetti. What will you do? What WILL, YOU, DO? Um, I quickly eat all the spaghetti, then stand on my head, hoping the guards will think I'm only a wooden Indian. The guards are Indians themselves and not so easily to be fooled. One of them opens the hood of your car and begins to belabor your engine with a mattock. The engine is not pleased with this treatment, and cuts loose with a massive electrical surge and a weel-aimed shot of anti-freeze. The anti-freeze hits the weel in the abdomen, and its carapace begins to dissolve. One of the guards removes her catcher's mitt and shouts something in Spanish. >Get catcher's mitt You hear the spanish more slowly this time, then again more slowly. It begins to get dark, but there are no stars. You're finding it difficult to breathe. >Use catcher's mitt (for gas mask) the vacuum is filtered through the mask, becoming breathable air. Congratulations! You brought light to the dark room! The stars line up in front of you and dance the twist. Then you realize it was laughing gas in the mask. >Drink motor oil The border guards exhibit little patience with these antics. One of them yokes you about the neck as another begins to untie your shoes. You notice a small florescent pink piece of paper with runes written on them lying on the gravel near your left feet, the one which the guard is untying your shoes on. (The submarine made an _eerie_descent_ among the shimmering green and blue fish.) >read paper. You don't have the paper. As you clumsily search for what you don't have, the florescent pink piece of paper flutters into the face of the border guard who has finished untying one shoe and is busy untying your other shoe. >get paper while smiling at border guard You have the paper. The border guard sneezes as you take the paper away from his face. Maybe you should wash your hands once in a while. The paper is begging to be read. >read the paper while whistling "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" backwards through teeth The guard runs frantically runs away, screaming "I love that song! I cannot stand that song! Arrghh!!!" So much for the border guard. Here is what the flouroscent pink paper says in Runes (which you can decipher readily, being an avid reader of LoTR): "Go FORTH young man, and see thou the holiest of the holies, the LANG of magic, where DAEMONS, UNIX-WIZARDS, and NET.GODS dwell. Thou requireth a SCHEME for MVing thy self through the MACSYMAm security SHELL surrounding it. A clue is given by the knowledgeable C(sea)-SHELL, found only in the distant CYBERSPACE known only as the SPRAWL. The NET of black guards and GARBAGE COLLECTORS CLOSE around thou and seek to destroyS, thy quest in FINDing the C-SHELL. Thou shalt carry only COMPACT BABBAGE, and avoid the queries of the CATs, for they are the minions of the black forces who seek to seduce you." You can either write this off as a poor attempt at a joke or eat the paper. However, the note does seem to offer a RING OF TRUTH. By the way, the border guard is not a GARBAGE COLLECTOR. >delete @@.cyberpunk You hear a voice from the terminal cry out in pain: "Noooooooohh ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!" You have caused the death of someone dear to you. What do you do now? >wear RING OF TRUTH, then destroy GARBAGE COLLECTOR. The border guard belaboring your engine HAS for some years been an avid garbage collector, and does not appreciate this attempt on your part. Seizing your hand, she removes the RING OF TRUTH and begins to paint nour nails. >What's going on??? I'm sorry, I can't answer that...Yet! > Hit her, saying "You slimeball! You, you, you stole my ring, my wedding ring! And stop painting my nails! I had them custom painted just two days ago. Hmph! And I don't like garbage collectors. I think they smell. So there, nyah!" She smiles grimly at you, then begins, excruciatingly, to remove your teeth, starting with the wisdom teeth. She has her helmet on. > I calmly mutter, "Hey, this reminds me of a sequence from the movie, _Marathon Man_." I also try to say "No, it's SAFE." I also notice that the helmet has pink florescent runes printed on them. What are they? They say, in Aramaic, "Jane Dalton, BOBS County Weatherperson" >But I can't read Aramaic. Luckily for you, there is a translation below. In a shaky print (this means, for this language, terrible handwriting, because things are typed or scripted),with poor grammar and using strictly the most ancient idioms, it reads "jane dalton, bobs county weatherperson" in russian. >I mention this, kind of casually, to one of the border patrollers. The patrollers are not casual people, and seem to take some offense at your levity. >I stop levitating, and apologize to the patroller's rabbits. You see no patroller here. You see no rabbits here. You see no 'You' here. You see no sea here. You see no no here. You see no hear hear. Bereft, my wife and fiddle to kids. --- Hello, and welcome once again to Nibbling-At-Toes. Be prepared to test your abilities at doorknob-dicing, hammock-twisting and watermelon- coring. It is the anonymous gift which creates the most pain. But before we begin the game, let's see what the winners will get to take home with them! Once again, it's time for the NOBODY FOR SWIL PRESIDENT campaign! Last year, Nobody got more votes than Jim and DVS -- let's try and make that unanimous this year! "Bob" for president! NO!!!!!!!! (The preceding was a message from the Vocal Negators Local 356) Jim and DVS for "Bob"! "Jim" and "DVS" for "Bob" factorial! Springbok, Springbok, Springbok makes puzzles for you and me; Springbok, Springbok, Springbok makes puzzles for me... (to My Bonny Lies... etc.) My bonny lies over the ocean My bonny lies over the sea My bonny lies over the ocean I wish that she'd not lie to me... "Momma don't take my chromosomes away..." Cyberpunk: A subclass of science fiction which is fascinated by high-tech low-life. How much is that doggie in the window? The one with the vanishing tail. How much is that doggie in the window? I do hope that doggie's for sale. I must make a trip into Moria, And slay a dire displacer beast. If I had that dog, we could kill it, And the doggie would have good feast. sa Crippled, like dirt in the ocean, they all turned to dust, to dust, l'Chaim -- we'll all be havin' a good time for the stars in my eyes like grains of pickled herring for sale away on the sunlit sea over the waters blue and green and red and purple and pink-nosed elephantism unless the end is nigher my Lord to these my friends romans and countrymention my name to the man in the moobleck? moobleck: Green stuff from cows? Sticky dairy products? Arrrgh! all killing is mercy killing (there's NO killing like SHOW killing like...) I wear my light-intensifying goggles during the daytime so i can so i can ... I use infravision at night ... I keep my dogs and I keep my ferrets. People don't kill people, people just die! (Hello, hello, and hello) mimimomomizolalilamialomuelamironoriminos. and David Bowman said, "My God, it's full of cream cheese..." and somebody on the net said, "Oh my god, it's _full_of_Spam_!" (are you sure that wasn't zgwortz? (does anyone have TAGTFOS comic?)) L-l-live from net-network 23 23, this is M-m-max Headroom. V-v-vote, v-v-vote for "Bob", twen-twen-twenty minutes into the future future. future. GRAFITTI IS DEAD. -- Nietzche RUN! DONUTS! The continuation of the story of the duck: (please, continue ....) here, duckyduckyducky! Ahem. Students Collectively Realizing Exams Are Hell (SCREAH) Hinkety-Pinkety: It all adds up in math. Answer: summation notation.