From chaos @ cs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 20:54:59 1999 Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 16:27:51 -0500 (EST) From: Chaos Golubitsky To: _swat.org.swil @ cc Subject: Math 30, SWILNews 1 The world's first self-expanding SWILNews was sent out to the SWIL list at approximately 4:28pm EST. After arriving in the inbox of one Catherine Osborne '01 8 seconds later, the SWILNews began to add lines to itself at a rate proportional to its current size. By 6:03pm, the SWILNews (which started at 12.2K) had reached a length of 16.3K. At 11:47pm, when Catherine finally gets around to checking her e-mail, will SCCS staff have frozen her account? SWILBusiness: At 9:45pm on Friday, 22 January, there were 2 people, several tables, and 10 pounds of food in Bond Hall. People arrived in Bond at a rate of 5 people every 13 minutes, and began consuming food at a rate proportional to their total mass. (When i said you ate like a bird, that's not what i meant. -d) At the point in time at which the food ran out and people began consuming tables, how much money did the attendees still need to give Sarah? (Hint: if you have not yet given Sarah $2 or so to make up for the cost of food at inauguration, please do so.) The temperature sucks. (Stupid state. -d) (pick a state: pennsylvania, massachusetts, being; they all suck. -c) (hey! -d) At any given time, the number of panels happening at SWILCon '99 will increase at a rate proportional to the number of attendees at the last panel, minus the number of skydiving lemmings jumping off the roof of Trotter during that time. If 72 people attend Meet the Guests on Friday evening, but 72 lemmings get drunk and attack them, do we need to reserve more rooms in Trotter? (or just call public safety and run...) (Hint: SWILCon '99 will be happening 26-27 March. Thanks to everyone who came to the organizational meeting Monday. If you want to help out, contact Ben. Also, if you have ideas for panel topics, involving either guests or college profs, please contact Ben (bnewman @ sccs). Lemmings are not invited to be on SWILCon panels.) In the 12th century, knowledge of Latin was a requirement for literacy, making Sarah and Abby the only literate sentients at the meeting. ( -d) (she's not verbal either, apparently. -c) If you would like to be considered for full or partial literacy, please submit a complete application, in Latin, to BEM. Lindsay is not literate. In fact, she is a self-declared moron. ("idiota", according to Catherine.) Each of 6 thugtrons currently signed up for the Valentine's Day massacre has a cap gun loaded with 7 caps. (That's how many are left after Cloak tests all the guns.) (Ooh, ooh, can i help? -d) (No way. *My* murderous rampage! -c) (Share? -d) On average, it takes 3 shots to "kill" a victron. If thugtrons are firing at a rate which decays proportional to the number of victrons still standing, and if each of 60 people sitting in the middle room needs to get a drink once every 26 minutes, will the massacre be over before anyone leaves the room? (Hint: the people currently signed up for the massacre are: Waitrons: Abigail Friedman, Amy Marinello Thugtrons: Dave Phillips, Megan Hallam, Ben Williams, Chaos Golubitsky, Lindsay Herron, Kyla Tornheim Victrons: Sarah Bergstrom, Catherine Osborne, Jess Harbour, Peter Ma, Jimmy Kong If you want to sign up to be a thugtron or a victron, please let us know by e-mail. If you're undecided, be a victron, but if you really want to be a thug, sign up and we'll work it out. (Seniors *do* get preference, so don't worry.)) If Cloak organizes t-shirts every year until someone else volunteers to do it, and the number of other people willing to organize t-shirts was 0 in 1997 and increases proportional to the number of people who volunteered the previous year, what are the chances that t-shirts will have gone out of fashion as an article of clothing long before we get anyone else to volunteer to do this? (Hint: Cloak doesn't mind doing shirts again, but it would be good if someone else finds out who our contact people are and how to do it before she graduates. So if an underclassman would like to volunteer, it would be much appreciated. Also, people should start coming up with designs and slogans.) John, who, as you may recall, is your new king, has been volunteered to host Walpurgisnacht. Yay! Every time it rains, the 2-foot long leak in George's roof increases by 1/5 of its current length. Once a month, Physical Plant comes up to Tarble and fixes the leak so that its length is halved. If it rains 50% of the days when Cloak has leaky shoes and 80% of the time that Dagger left her rain gear at home, what are the chances that your co-presidents will die of pneumonia before you have to suffer through any more differential equations? If it rains 30% of the time during the spring, how big will the leak be in May by the time Cloak gives up and gets an engineer to build a drain pipe along the ceiling? (Hint: George is now semi-organized, and contains a lot of books and SWIL archive material. Plus, it's a nice place to work. If you need the locker combination so you can get in, ask one of us. Just make sure CP&P aren't using it at the time.) The number of people who submit to BEM increases at a rate proportional to the number who have already submitted. If 80 people submit to BEM by the deadline of 22 February, Heather will wear her new lingerie. If 18 people have submitted by the 10th, and 12 more have submitted by Valentine's Day, will people find out that Heather's "lingerie" is really just a perfectly nice nightgown? (Hint: submit art and writing to BEM, either by e-mailing bem @ swil.org, or giving submissions to Heather or putting them in the envelope on the SWIL Board. We do now have funding for BEM, thanks to the superhuman efforts of Dagger and Amy Marinello, so BEM will happen.) If the number of new SWIL nonmembers increases relative to the number of dismembered frosh who want to submit their friends to the same treatment, how many SWILNews readers would prefer that we give up on the math for now and just describe Abigail Friedman's sentience proof? According to Douglas Adams, humans are the 3rd most intelligent species on Earth, below dolphins and mice. What is a mouse? The dictionary defines a mouse as any of numerous small rodents with pointed snouts, rather small ears, and a slender, hairless tail. - "Rodent" is defined as a small mammal with sharp teeth for gnawing food. At 5'3", Abby is a small mammal by human standards, and she likes gnawing chicken bones. - "Snout" can mean "nose", and Abby's nose is relatively pointy, as demonstrated by her profile. - Abby's ears are small because she is small, as previously claimed. - "Tail" is another word for "buttocks" (note: we're just quoting here - don't blame us). Abby says we'll just have to take her word on this one. We didn't argue. Therefore, Abby is a mouse. Dave asked whether intelligence implies sentience, and Abby claimed that it was, citing 42, which is no longer 14pi, for anyone still confused. We decided by unnecessary SWILVote that Abby was sentient since she flattered Cloak, and used purple chalk in her proof. We told Abby she could have a title, so she chose Ubermouse of the Fifth Dimension. Sarah chose Title IX. Amy Marinello is a rat, not a mouse, in case anyone misremembered. New nominee for worst exchange of the year: (What was the old nominee? -d) (never mind... -c) Dagger: If rats are the ultimate cuteness accessory, what does that make other rodents? Lindsay: Road kill? Dagger: Ack! What does that make Abby? Robert: Abbey road kill? Non-SWILBusiness: We're starting up Friday late breakfast in Kohlberg, so show up in the coffee bar sometime between 9:30-11:30 and people on the 14 meal plan will buy you food and socialize with you. Tomorrow night, there will be an "Eye of Argon" reading starting at 7:30pm in ML 4214 (Catherine and Dagger's room). (We'll even clean for you. -d) "Eye of Argon" is one of the worst short stories ever written, and reading it aloud is a truly... um... well... er... just show up. (It's really funny.) There's no new Buffy episode next week, for those who have been going to Megan's showings. This semester, there is a new 12:30am showing. Don't ask. As you may or may not be aware, Pluto is not currently the ninth planet from the sun. In fact, it may not be a planet at all. But, if it is a planet, it will become the ninth planet again on 11 February when it crosses Neptune's path. Needless to say, we're going to have a party. Keep an eye on the fun list and SWILNews for updates on the location. The English/Scottish Ball will happen 13 February, starting with the Grand March at 8:00pm. Everyone should come because folk dance is fun. (We're not biased. Not even a little. -c) Catherine and Dagger are organizing food, so help them bake. Lindsay is having a "baring all" movie night Saturday, starting with "The Full Monty" at 7:15pm, and continuing at 9:00 with "Boogie Nights". Movies will be in Kohlberg 115. No mocking is allowed at the showing, so be sure to mock Lindsay as much as you can before then. Ben is doing Puppet Monster this semester, which is a project involving making really big puppets (bigger than a breadbox). (In fact, bigger than several breadboxes. -c) Talk to Ben if you want to get involved. Cloak's thok stick has a hardy constitution. (Indeed, it has lasted through Cloak's last four personal or official names, which she is currently having a lot of trouble keeping straight, so she thinks the thok stick is pretty damn impressive. -c) Fred is running an In Nomine campaign this semester on Thursday evenings. Contact him if you want to join it. We are not Megan's real friends since we won't help her clean her room. We wanted to test the theory that real friends help people move bodies, but there weren't any. (You know, it doesn't specify that they have to be _dead_ bodies... -c) (Yes, but live bodies move under their own locomotion. -d) (Well, someone's not any fun around here. -c) The Attendance List of 55 Degrees and the stupid state - 23 January: (guess who named the attendance list -c): Ben "77K" Newman Jimmy "I pink. Therefore I Spam." Kong Lindsay "He's an evil fish with a 3,000 IQ." Herron Jennifer "purple fountain pen" Tyson (yellow 9-point proportional font text -c) Anna "Pinecones! They're everywhere!" Hess Dave "Thug" Phillips Sarah "ego sum literati" Bergstrom Amy "Yo hablo el latin tambien... er, well, I do" Marinello Abigail "In Ancient Rome I wouldn't have been a slave but a" Friedman Catherine "idiota" Osborne Robert "No evil demon is making me write this" McFarland Rebecca "The evil demon" Jones Ben "1/10 of the Law" Williams Megan "What the hell is wrong with me?" Hallam Peter "Hmm... What should I be?" Greg "K?" Ingber -Cloak and Dagger