Forwarded message: >From mdb @ raptor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sun May 14 22:52:59 1995 Date: Sun, 14 May 1995 22:52:31 -0400 (EDT) From: The Phantom Cockroach To: _swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu Subject: The Phantom Cockroach Writes the SWILnews In-Reply-To: <199502032216.RAA27722 @ oak.cc.swarthmore.edu> Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII -------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcer: WSRN RADIO PRESENTS..... "The Phantom Cockroach" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Who can save the world from the evil which will befall it? Is there hope for mankind?? No! A mild-mannered Sun Lab Sysadmin slips quietly through the shadows, unseen by anyone. She dashes into a nearby cleaning closet and emerges as.... The Phantom Cockroach! Spreading confusion and misinformation wherever she goes, the Phantom Cockroach is the bane of every law man's existence! [title music, credits] [begin commercial break] Are you tired and run down? Are you all pooped out? Are you so slim that you need a bath-stopper to keep from going down the drain? Then you need Fatrical. Fatrical contains no vitamins, no minerals, and 0% of the US RDA of all beneficial ingredients. With a daily dose of Fatrical, you can join thousands of happy peppy people who enjoy life to its fullest. [end commercial break] [opening scene: a college campus] A mind-mannered Sun Lab Sysadmin is strolling in front of Parrish, headed for Sharples. In her hands are normal instruments for a college student to be carrying: some pencils, paper, an ID card.... little does the student body know that, before the day i s out, these implements will be turned away from their path of good and righteousness and forced to serve.... The Phantom Cockroach. "Hello, Stephanie!" the mild-mannered Sun Lab Sysadmin says to a normal looking student on the walkway beside her. "Hello," the student replies. "Going to SWIL?" "Yep!" [dramatic chords] [begin commercial break] Next time you're looking for life insurance, try Brother Bob's! He'll treat you just like family, as long as you include him in your will. Today's special: our double indemnity clause: we'll pay you twice as much if you die twice! [end commercial break] [scene: a small room in a building on the college campus] "We call this meeting to disorder," James says. "The Giant Peach isn't here, so we'll begin the meeting without him. I don't think that there are any dismemberments. So....SWIL business?" One by one the unsuspecting SWIL non-member presented their business. One, called "Megan", mentioned that T-shirts were not available yet, but should be done by Monday or Tuesday. She added that if anyone wasn't going to be around then, that they should give her their summer address and she would send them the shirt. How ever, she asked that if someone was going to be back sometime during the summer, they just pick up the shirt then, since it cost her money to send them. Another, called "Josh" or "The Messiah", brought B.E.M.'s to the meeting (and there was much rejoicing). BEM's were distributed to those who had not received them before. "James" mentioned that there were two BEM's in the library somewhere -- the mild-m annered sysadmin didn't quite hear where, since she was distracted by a discolored spot on the ceiling which was spouting Nietzsche at an alarming rate. Some chick named "Kendra" talked about the Tolkien reading. Seems it was successful, up until about 6am when they all fell asleep or stopped reading. It was suggested that some sort of reading become an annual event to close off the year. Notice was made that B5 would continue to be shown over the summer, but a slight debate occurred as to the actual location of said showing. More information was alleged to follow. How it would follow (i.e., following meekly or more of a smart-ass "walk dis way!" follow) was not made apparent at the meeting. This "James" person asked who was going to be around at the beginning of the year who could help with the indoctri...err...exposure of new students to SWIL, specifically at the activities fair. Some other random person suggested that SWIL show a movie du ring orientation wink to try to capture more souls [soundfx: a giant sucking sound from the southern border (note: sound is filed under "Perot")]. Suggestions included Plan 9, Ed Wood, and Star Wars. Much inane prattling occurred. The mild-mannered sysadmin was somewhat startled, but rather pleased, when her web page was mentioned. She pointed out that, as soon as her film was developed, she would be putting up pictures not only of last year's Spam Drop, but this year's Spam-a-Pul t, Walpurgisnacht, and the latest wink game. "Donations" will be accepted from anyone who wants to view the wink pictures beforehand. Further "donations" will be necessary to prevent any pictures from being posted . [dramatic chords] [begin commercial break] "Wink pictures posted! Tonight, on the family game show Blackmail" [end commercial break] Then the seniors were "remembered". Starting, of course, with the ones that weren't there. Geoff Noer: Heir to the King of Spain, Lord of the Wild Frontier Geoff "Picked up a woman on a plane" Noer "There's a hole in the bathroom in DuPont" "Oh, you tried that too?" "Relationships: they're like banging your head against the wall, every once in a while it goes through." The x-axis Beth Bruch: Beth "Broccoli" Bruch Beth "Flannel Shirts" Bruch "Math, don't talk to me about math...." The Gypsy Oracle Member of the Furies Aaron B R O C K E T T The future president Aaron "Not single" Brockett Aaron the Manipulative Bastard "No, just let me into the English Channel for one turn and I'll get right out." Most absentee president in SWIL's history Robert Richardson The non-member formerly known as Ralph the Dog Sonya Smallets The Flaming Albatross of Death The y-axis Cherry Anderson Frankly, we don't remember any anecdotes about her, but we'd be happy to make some up.... Jen Setlow We remember Jen Setlow. BOY do we remember Jen Setlow. Pe-e-eter Wong Wong, Peter Wong Penis Penis Penis (Peter Thinger Wong) Peter "Green Underwear" Wong "I punch the wall" Peter "Pokey" Wong "Whaaaat" Peter "It's shiiiiny!" Wong Peter, the Chinese Jew Josh Burdick The Messiah Frosh Josh "Stay away from my sister, she's mine!" Josh "You little haggis" Burdick Josh "Not necessarily naked" Burdick Josh "Arthur Dent flashes the Olde Club" Burdick "Bork, bork, bork" Josh, the Sheep dog, counts as a wall The chaperone (wink) Josh "WA!" Burdick Josh "Funky funky funky" Burdick Andrea Hall "The car'll make it there" "Imagine cat. Blender...."" Whimper" "Joe, I'm glad you beep" Andrea, the only non-member ever to have dated an article of furniture Hosted longest and least fun Cosmic game Andrea "I'll do it" Hall "Egg yolk!" Charles Danforth No spleen "Pancreas on Board" Charles "a) Hide b) Hide c) Hide d) FIGHT!" Danforth The Black Knight "I can only break my toe when I'm naked at the end of the month" Mr. Roof Builder of the Spam-a-pult Master of the Crum Regatta Underwear in Dan Wells' computer Rubber squid Runcible "I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm wearing a towel, and I have a sword." Minister of defense Huntmaster The z-axis Kendra Eshleman Loremistress "Oh the things I could tell you about Colin" Kendra and her SWAPA's "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and NOT fuck you" Upside-down wink cake "Can I ask you a personal question?" SWIL den-mother Eric Nute and Jeff Sugg's former concubine "Truth or Dare, anyone?" Several midriffs Removed pantyhose in parking lot of Springfield Mall "Jeremy, if you run off with a tarantula loving woman, I'll marry the Mennonite" Eric Nute He got better. "It's a pun in Ukrainian" "He told me he was a pixie" Picked up at an Olde Club party Ukrainian Walking Song Aaron Hertzmann Screwed at Screw Your Roommate "You all suck, I can't believe the room isn't imploding, there's so much sucking going on here" re:Jyhad cards: "Can I see those?" Destined for the Salt Mines "Moded boy" "Monks of Room Kant puns Buddha boy Postmodernist Yuppie [sad strains of a violin, played by Geoff] [begin commercial break] We were treated to a performance of the Raman song by "James" and "Beth." The chorus was something like this.... "Raman, Raman, Raman, All we eat is Raman, Know what Raman tastes like: Rawhide!" ....only somewhat worse. Mumbles were made about chartering the Association of Swarthmore Magic-players, but no definite plans were made. It was noted that, while the budget went through, the budget committee, in its infinite wisdom, cut the budget for the Pterodactyl hunt down from $70 to $40. "Kendra" noted that the largest expense, garbage bags, was basically taken care of since there w ere so many extras from the previous Hunt. It was noted that the budget committee should be hung, drawn, quartered, and then begged for money. It was also noted that the time to appeal budgets occurred, inexplicably, before the budgets decisions were ac tually released. Further investigation is obviously required. Possibly other things went on, but the mild-mannered sysadmin was too tired to notice, having spent two hours playing wink and then five hours in ML breakfast room listening to Tolkien. Remember, kids, wink and lying on cold ML breakfast room floors for five hours DON'T MIX! [script writer's note: this script was written entirely from memory, as no notes were available -- excuse inaccuracies. Any complaints should be forwarded to the budget committee] After the meeting, however, the mild-mannered sysadmin slipped off into the shadows, into the privacy of a cleaning closet and became....The Phantom Cockroach! [dramatic chords and ropes] [begin commercial break] At WSRN Radio, we aim to please. Therefore this broadcast of "The Phantom Cockroach" has been deliberately filled with typographical errors, misspellings, and misinformation. We like to include something for everyone, and there's always someone looking for mistakes. [end commercial break] [opening scene: outside of the dining hall] Scuttling along, she followed this "James" character back to James' room. She watched under the door and saw where James put the notes from the SWIL meeting and decided to wait, bide her time, and come back for them when the time was right. The next day, being Sunday, as usually happens after Saturday, she again followed James, this time, however, as a mild-mannered sysadmin. When "James" wasn't looking, she leapt into the closet and scurried into a dark corner. "James" was rather perplexe d at the sudden departure, but dismissed it as another odd thing about the college: they had instant trapdoors installed in all of the rooms. The Phantom Cockroach then sprung into action. Using her incredible insect strength, she jumped to the top of the desk and began pulling the notes about the seniors and the attendance list from the desk of "James". As "James" was busy writing a paper, " James" didn't notice. After much effort, the paper slipped to the floor and the Phantom Cockroach continued pulled them across the floor, under the door, and into the hall. There, when no one was looking, she changed back into her form of a mild-mannered sysadmin and ran off to the Sun Lab. There, in the quiet of the Sun Lab, she began to write.... "-------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcer: WSRN RADIO PRESENTS..... "The Phantom Cockroach" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Who can save the world from the evil which will befall it? Is there hope for mankind?? No! .............." Attendance (5-13-95) Aaron "Well, somebody typed up this attendance list. Thanks for doing this thankless and, well, meaningless task" Hertzmann Erik "Down with upspins" Rosolowsky Alice "Hello in TV Land" Unger Christopher "lost" Unger Fred "Leaving in 1 hour. The road goes ever ever on..." Jeremy "NOT a pregnant woman!" Dilatush Josh "t-sub-punchy minus t-sub-tired" Burdick Stephanie "Take a picture in Betsy? No! Take one ON Betsy!!" Dyrkacz Larry "My new phone number is 328-1109" Miller Ross "Hey I'm not going to sign this, this is all PsiCorp propaganda" Dickson Samuel "Waaaah....quantum theory.... waaaaa...." Weiler Melissa "fighting Aaron for 10 straight minutes in wink" Binde Andrea "I didn't know it was possible for my muscles to ache like this" Hall Snibor "Nrub gur eno ylno " Eoj Charles "I just kissed Finkbiner and boy am I tired" Danforth jere7my "Zzzzzzz.... Khazad-Dum... Frodo... zzzz.... *snort*.... zzzzz" tho?rpe Kendra "I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way" Eshleman Elizabeth "I'm on my way, but I don't know how" Christian Aaron "I shall never be here again!" Brockett This SWILnews was brought to you by the gardening magazine, "Weeder's Digest", and by the letter 7 and the numbers q and fish. "SWILnews: light, happy, healthy, still >10K, and as always, the best buy for $27,000/year" - The Phantom Cockroach