********************************* SUMMARY *SWIL Business **Schlock is happening Monday, May 1, to Wednesday, May 3. Monday is Starcrash at 10 in SC199; Tuesday is The Magic Christian at 10 in SC104; Wednesday is the Star Wars Holiday Special at 10 in SC104. **Remembrances are next week. See Fun for a list of seniors who are being remembered. **Saturday Night SWIL is now Sunday Afternoon SWIL, and it is the Eye of Argon. See Fun for details. **The Hunt Wizards are going to remain both organizers and referees. They are Susan, Revan, and Pupkin. Everyone who is interested in helping organize the Hunt is welcome to join the Hunt committee, which usually meets after meetings, and/or the Hunt list. **We had movie nominations. Lots of them. Stay tuned for a voting email. **Nelson Chu Pavlovsky proved his sentience, and the Master of Arms took his character. Jean Schneider is also sentient by fiat of last week's SWILNews. **BEM will be out during Reading Week. *Non-SWIL Business **Pie Jesu Wednesday night, the night before exams. Find Mai at dinner if you're interested. **Boy Meets Tractor show is Saturday at 9:30. Susan and Jamison are in it, along with some other unimportant people. **The a cappella Jamboree is Tuesday and Wednesday night at 8:00 in Lang. Two-thirds of the presidency is in it, along with other non-members and paraSWILlies, along with some other unimportant people. **If you are reading this on Sunday, you are currently missing May Day. If you are reading this on Saturday, can we borrow the time machine? **Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children showing on Friday at 8:00 in ML Lounge. We'll try to watch both subbed and dubbed. ***************************** SWILNews #14 Writes Home Dear Mom & Dad, the weather here is nice. At least, I think it is. I'm in solitary again for calling the prison to doors/order/disorder or something. I totally didn't do it - I told them it was that one-armed bastard, but nobody believed me. I think the guards just have something against me. Warden Chu had me in his office for like two hours on some bum rap about stealing the Presidency. Or maybe a loaf of bread? There was this community...bonding...thing last night where we all sat in a circle and read stories. It was kind of cute. At least, before the riot. But that wasn't my fault! It was totally in the spirit of the holiday! There were some Nam vets who got upset about the hippies story and started throwing beer bottles and brie. (*makes bird noises* -n *gargles* -r aflack! -p) And then Pupkin the Katana started beating up some freshman he said owed him money for the snacks. Anyway. There's another community event starting tomorrow in which they force us to watch really horrible movies to see if it damages our brains. (i'll send them cheesy movies, the worst i can find...lalala! -p) There's one called Starcrash tomorrow night, then something called The Magic Christian (please God no more religious flicks) and then the Star Wars Holiday Special. I used to like Star Wars back in the day. That one should be good! They're getting ready to let go a bunch of folks who've served their terms. "Momma" Waldman says she's going to go into teaching. Those poor kids...(we love you jillian! don't kill us! no, please, don't! noooooooo! -npr blurring the lines between fiction and reality since...just a few minutes ago -npr) We're going to have a big party for them next week, and I'm sure all the leading lights of our community will attend. After the riot, they said that we have to have another reading event sometime soon and not screw it up this time. This time, they're choosing the story - it's called "The Eye of Argon"...sounds like some kind of fantasy story. I used to like fantasy back in the day...maybe this'll be fun, too. (it's a trap! -npr) Pupkin, that toady, decided to snitch on me after I stole that sick guy's dinner tray and that somehow elevated him to "trusty" status. He and "Reaver" Williams and "Piledriver" Zell have their own clique now, like they're better than the rest of us. They volunteered to run the Annual Sports Tournament and they said something about foam swords. I'm kind of nervous about this. New inmate - "Chu" Pavlosky. He doesn't really look like Warden Chu, but somebody heard they're distantly related somehow, and that's all you really need to start rumors around here. Warden Chu had him up in the office for at least an hour yesterday, so I guess he's hit the ground running. Good for him, I suppose. Anyway, he brought this weird green guitar with him and tried to sing to us - I think he's in for some sort of media-related thing? I guess Free Culture rebel activities are up there with murdering children now? I don't know, the penalties keep going up. He told us this weird story about how he used to be able to levitate using the power of his mind, but then the eels went away and he wasn't a hovercraft. He tried to keep his mind from being corrupted by obeying all MPAA parental advisories, but he couldn't sing anymore because he kept automatically censoring his lyrics. He thought he was a missing shirt from 1981, but then it turned out that he was under CC license, so he could be reprinted for free! Then the mind rays made him speak in Gothic characters, just like God, so he shot a hobo and somehow ended up here. I think they should have put him in the psychiatric prison, but supposedly the judge ruled he's still sentient so he has to come here. I kicked him in the face and stole his character the first night, so it's all good. (my elbows are naked! -n hide your shame, young woman! -susan) With the addition of Pavlosky, the Prisoners of Asian Descent are thinking of going from club to full gang status. I expect the first shower scraps to start in a couple weeks. Warden Chu says we've met our Chuish quota and won't be taking any more until he gets transferred or Pavlosky gets parole. There's this weird cult thing springing up among the new kids - they say this guy named "Bob Muskrat III", who is beyond space and time, will come to break them out. Warden Chu has allowed them to have services, but he's keeping a close eye on them - and Reaver's part of the group, that snitch, so I guess they can't use it as a front for breakout plans anymore. Good idea, poor execution. (No pun intended to the Death Row folks.) Warden Chu says that if we sit still and watch the movies this week, he'll let us pick some of our own movies for next fall's film festival. We put together a list of nominations in case we can make it through without any violence this time. I have the list - maybe I'll send it to you later and you can give your opinion. "Geezer" Noda, one of our most venerable inmates, won the weekly raffle and got a tiny plastic robot. "Short Stack" Pucik tried to organize a nonviolent protest of our stressful conditions by suggesting that we walk around hitting ourselves with books and trays, but I'm skeptical. I much prefer a good old-fashioned brawl. A couple other people want to have some other events, like an a cappella concert and a showing of some sort of movie based on a video game. DORKS. Everyone knows that Deathrace 2000 is the best game-movie combo ever and will never be topped by this so-called "Final Fantasy". I hear there's yet another inmate coming in soon, but I don't know much about her, except that she already has her own nickname, provided by the media covering her case - Jean "The Ripper". Maybe she'll volunteer for kitchen duty? I certainly don't want to see what she does with the license-plate maker. So things are pretty good here. Please send more cigarettes so I can trade them for...stuff. I got your cake last month, but there was some sort of rusty metal file embedded in it and I nearly broke a tooth. I threw the whole thing out, metal and all. Are you guys trying to kill me? Love, NPR P.S. Here's a list of my cellmates: Attendance List of We Don't Need No Stinkin' Mascot James "This smudge used to be Aesop Rock's signature!" Mendez JONATHAN "THE BOTTOM PART OF THE BUN" SCHNEIDER* Alex "Andrew says I am free to use all of my sexual prowess...for, uh, something?" Pshenichkin Andrew "Like Alladin except not creepy" Conforti Brown Miles "The Bob Muskrat III is erased! Long live Bob Muskat the fourth!" Skorpen Mai "Bob Muskrat IV has been retconned! Long live Bob Muskrat III!" Pucik Michael "Bending Unit" Noda Jillian "Optimism! (sigh)" Waldman Arthur "Sadistic, Gleeful Pessimism (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)" Chu Greg "Pointless activism (Boooooooooo!)" Robinson Nelson "Free Star Wars!" Pavlosky David "Evil Economist" Pupkin Meggie "Pride" Ladlow Malcolm "And" Augat Revan "Prejudice by Jane Austen" Williams Margaret "Drama and bingo" Cosgriff Sarah "My karma bounced" Hartman George Dahl "er Mehndi" Jackie "Four days until Wookiee porn!" Werner Finlay "ASCII-RENDERABLE" Logan Eliza "I am not a punchline! I am a free woman!" Blair The One-Armed Man *THIS FOOTNOTE WILL BE SLAIN UNLESS YOU SURRENDER THE SECRET OF FIRE.