From mpucik @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Wed Feb 16 23:33:10 2005 Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 23:13:43 -0500 (EST) From: mpucik @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: swilnews @ swil.org Subject: SWILnews 4: We hope you had a Fe-rry good Valentine's //SWILmeeting - translated from the Jamisonian:// //preSWILmeeting// 2/12/078; [February 12, 2005] The SWIL Meeting! Yay! [SWIL, founded in 1978, is nominally the science fiction and fantasy club at Swarthmore College. It is eccentric, entropic, and infinitely interpretable. Participants in SWIL (called non-members, for complicated, but quite explicable reasons) meet every Saturday at high noon in Sharples room 4 to reaffirm our existence.] Jillian came late. Durp. [Jillian was late to meeting. BEHOLD MY EUPHORIA!] Someone wrote 'Yoar nort' on my napkin. [Someone made an ineffective threat on Jamison's life by arming him with an apple-hammer and sending him a badly-spelled message. (Fist claims that it was spelled perfectly, placing the blame on either on the handwriting or Jamison's interpretation of reality. We'll leave it to you to decide which camp we stand in -m)] Presidents are going out with Jackie. [Well, while it is true that Mai and Jackie are having a sordid affair for the purposes of purity points/Josh Smith numbers, to turn one president into three is even more complicated physics than Jillian can perform. However, we will let this stand as a warning against asking Jamison to include one in the notes.] [She gets all that she deserves! -f] Mai took my hammer, the fool! [Mai very brilliantly made the tactical decision to disarm Jamison before tragedy struck. This turned out to be a 'gun on the mantlepiece'; it will make more sense in Act III] A while ago, Qian punched me. [None of the presidents can actually remember this happening, so we assume it to be a vivid hallucination brought on by fumes and/or a steady diet of ice cream and cereal, or, as we like to call it, Dark God Fodder.] [We will not mention the obvious pun. Assume Mark did and hit him. -m/f] Mai is slashing Alex and Andrew. Durp. [Mai claims that this never happened, and that this entire episode is a projection of Jamison's desires upon reality, a la the last secretary, who had a penchant for stating the blatantly false in an attempt to shape SWILnews, and therefore reality, as he wished. (Stop typing and move on! -f) BEHOLD MY EUPHORIA! (I get to use my new shears! -f)] X+1=Me, durp. [Assuming x equals a single variable, this implies that the sum of any SWIL relationship can be proven to equal Jamison. BEHOLD MY EUPHORIA!] [Run! Run while you still can! -m, to the ponies] [When Pony touches the flower table, the flower grows! -The package] //SWILbusiness// The meeting was called to disorder at 12:16:33 [Presumably, the rabble was pathetic] [This one's sort of pretty, in an ugly sort of way. Confetti! -f] This Monday is the Massacre. 5:15 start, death at 6. [Jamison was suspiciously absent, claiming a lack of clothing. As a direct result, he survived the massacre to streak again.] Who knows when Kegger is? No one, but we must stay on Code Orange. THE MAI HIT ME WITH AN APPLE! The jerk. Durp. [Due to the ineffable [read:tyrranical] nature of Student Council, we do not have a real date for Kegger. Maybe. We're not sure. Ask Jillian. But we will swing into action should there ever be an actual plan. Plus, remember that gun on the mantlepiece? Mai has proven that any endeavor that involves Jamison is doomed to failure. Or death. (But I'm perfectly ethical! -f) BEHOLD MY EUPHORIA!] Neil Gaiman is coming. Mai is on top of it [Planning the event, not Neil Gaiman -m] [Mai is still talking to people about Neil Gaiman, and threatening those whose thoughtless actions ruined our plans in the first place. She claims she is groveling, but we know how likely that is.] Make Prop for the Kegger! Jackie will love you like a baby tiget playing with a baby platypus. [Jackie, Andrew, Mark, and Nick are the only people who make prop. We want this to change. Jamison attempted a charming simile to move us to action, forgetting one crucial point. (SQUISH -m)] 10,000,000 things need to have their things set. [Things will be scheduled.] Remembrances is the last meeting, which is May 14. [We will 're-member' all senior non-members on May 14, mostly by remembering all the nifty, weird, and SWILlish things that they've done over their past 4 years.] Martin Warner is a sweetie. Jackie will kill him. [Protesting the cries that Martin Warner's hand in the lack of Neil Gaiman result in his death, Mai claimed that he was a 'sweetie'. Nevertheless, Jackie has been hired to kill him, as Official SWIL Forcer.] [Kinky-m][I just hope she has a safe word -f] Mai's identity was stolen by Jackie [while she went to go get ice cream.] Jackie must wear Mai's pants if they exist. [I can't even explain this.] Presidents fight, all children die, cold and alone. [I'm not sure what that is, either -f] [Could we just claim it's an elaborate metaphor for 'Submit to BEM'?] [Nothing SWILnews says about me is true! -Jackie, 'fending off' Mai with a riding crop] Livejournal sucks...ass. [Jamison is obviously suffering from some sort of delusion-prone illness, such as the Garnet Death. All of his belongings will be sterlized and sold at auction. [Glad you approve -f]] SWIL declares war on Public safety, because Blake says they are a mailbox. [See above note. Public Safety is a turtle, not a mailbox, and if we were to declare war on them, we would be soundly crushed, as they would not let us into any of our classes.] Movies, durp! Think about it. [Next Saturday (the 19th), suggest Schlock movies for showing at the Schlock Film Festival, where we will watch Very Bad Movies (tm). BEHOLD MY EUPHORIA! Start looking up movie titles now.] Submit to BEM gar! Durp. [Submut to BEM (a traditional Jamisonian expression of affection, usually accompanied by an unusually vociferous thrust of the apple-hammer. It has no English equivalent) BEHOLD MY EUPHORIA!] Next week, fire on the river. [Absolute final deadline two weeks from today] Movies on website. What is Schlock? Bad Movies. [No, this is obviously wrong; we explained about Schlock above. Although, past movies ARE on the website, for your perusal. Past Schlock movies are mostly non-nominatable.] [Mur -m] What is evil? No one can tell me. I am alone in the dark. The dogs of hell nibble my toes. Blood...shadow blood covers my snow-pale face...pallow and pallid and sad. Spaceships for SFDT. [Feeling gothy? Can't stand the cruel face of daily existance? Do you just want to end it all? Then choose the method of choice-death by slash, by coming to SFDT, where we will allegedly talk about 'cool spaceships'.] [The topic seems to indicate that the only people in the room when Alex chose were him and Stifler -m] Major SWIL business. Get Mike Nelson. [Eventually. Sometime. Maybe.] Mai screeched then announced that it shouldn't be through Cooper. [This needs no explanation. I'm disappointed; I expected him to be more incoherent.] Jamison "Venger Almighty" Jackie "I want the attendance list!' Werner George "Dahl" Dahl Jamisonian "Vergerfission" Operator Jackie "Sometimes I consider getting a life" Werner Venger "Mai loves everyone" Jamison [Jackie and Jamison got their own attendance list.] [With blackjack and hookers -m] Jackie is apparently one for whose services money is paid. [This is a filthy lie; Jackie only gives 'services' to Mai.] T-shirts later...more Submit to BEM! [There's really no excuse if you don't submit to BEM; we will talk about t-shirts the meeting before break, and after break, we will choose a design.] Michael Cohen is a Robot. [This makes a lot more sense than 'Miachael Cohen is a Bobot'] War on Public Safety! Call the Belgians! [He's raving; ignore him.] No!!!! Categorically not! [The brilliant pure writing of Jamison evades even our best efforts at translating.] //Lottery// Mary won the lottery. Not me. Damnit. She won X-Men! The Final Decision. Da thing was done. [Mary, not Mark, won the lottery. She won the last of Mai's X-Men videos.] [An era is now over -f] //NonSWILbusiness// Opera Club seeing Aida tomorrow Jerome has ticket, send e-mail. [Obviously, you're too late. Bwahahahahaha.] Mai cuffed herself to Jackie to prove her love. WTF? Just...wtf, mate? [Commemorative 'Mai and Jackie love cuffs' are now available; ask Alex for your voucher for free Mai and Jackie Love.] Ben had a thing. Shrimp rats. [But rats are well-known for not surviving in the ocean.] Today Viva had a birthday #21. Dinner in NJ! [I think Viva was kidnapped and taken to New Jersey for her birthday; it's uncertain what actually happened.] ...Jamison died as he lived: choking on a plastic bag... [I think this speaks for itself.] Order! Man on table! 12:46. //postSWILmeeting// [This seems to indicate that something important happened, but all that happened was that Will Quale stood on the table and we called the meeting to order.] We reenacted the SWIL Meeting. [We reenacted SWIL Meeting for the benefit of the Haverspy.] //Attendence List of Puppies Go SQUISH George!// Lauren "George" Goodfriend Joe "George" Grimm Joe's "George" Girlfriend George "Absent" Dahl [I am starting to hate seeing this name, what with the frequency it appears on the attendence list -m] Marie "George" Cosgrove-Lavies Finlay "@#&*#@ dreams of F1" Logan [From now on, @#&*#@ will mean "George" -m] @#&*#@ "@#&*#@" @#&*#@ Emmanuelle "Kitty weep" Wenbach Mike "The power of Valentine compells you!' Karcher Abigail "I eat @#&*#@ for breakfast" Graber @#&*#@ "Lauren" Dahl Chris "@#&*#@ go SQUISH" White Mary "@#&*#@ unSQUISH" Wootters Mary "@#&*#@ go SQUISH AGAIN!" Wootters Alex "I think @#&*#@ has jumped the shark" Pshenichkin Eliza "Pope's Special Task Force" Blair Dan "Was Schonberg a serial monogamist too?" Blim Sleepy "32R3C Bk. 11" Maggie open swim: 3 damage. Roll: Fructis [??? -m] Qian "late @#&*#@" Qian Jonathan "GIVE MY REGARDS TO THAT OL' JEWISH THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY" Schneider Peter "Singles despise Valentine!' Ma Ben "spaceships should be accessible to anyone" Newman Jessica "I'm never sitting in front of the doors ever again" Robins Lauren "@#&*#@ go SQUISH again" Smith Michael "Madness of the @#&*#@ C Hurliman (Memorial Library)^3" NodaJerome "Leo's got the violin" Fung Jackie "Smudge" Werner Pile of "Green is the color of my true love's skin" Pickles Jamison "Mine!" Venger RegneV Robot!!! Destroy!!!!!!!!! Regnev!!! "WTF?" Jamison Meredith "My hair matches my eyes!" Blue Jillian "My hair matches the sludge" Waldman Mai "Belated elated" Pucik -The Ironic Presidency