Note: Edited to remove a name due to Googling. ( - Miles miles@milesskorpen.com , 2009 ) From jgoldie @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Fri Feb 4 22:23:46 2005 Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2005 20:55:10 -0500 (EST) From: Jillian G. Waldman Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: SWILnews Subject: SWILnews #2: Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club From achu1 @ swarthmore.edu Thu Feb 3 08:29:12 2005 Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 07:48:47 -0500 From: Arthur Chu To: presidents @ swil.org Subject: SWILNews #2 Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club The second Beatswils release from SWILNews Records In this album: SGT. PUCIK'S SCIENCE FICTION CLUB An introductory anthem in which Mark does not arrive (YOU'LL ALL DIE) WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM SOME THUGS An optimistic ballad about a beautiful day to come, when gangster will shoot gangster on a holiday of love KEGGER IN THE CARIBBEAN WITH PYREX A psychedelic exploration of the myriad themes and archetypes of the mythic Root Beer kegger, including the symbolism of the Four DJs, Arthur, Qian, Mai and Tim, and their correlation with cosmic principles. WHEN'S THE KEGGER A cheery, comic piece. As TV commercials have shown, you've got to admit, they've moved the kegger. They move the kegger all the time. LAUREN R S A tongue-in-cheek romantic tribute to everyone's favorite T-shirt maid, and the fun we used to have in our childhood coming up with sketches for her to turn into T-shirts. SFDT'S "CHEATING DEATH" A bittersweet lament about coming of age, particularly the coming of age experienced when one geekily discusses science fiction and fantasy with other geeks for the first (or fifth, or twentieth) time, abandoning the cherished world of normal interests behind. TICKET NUMBER 2 A cute, folksy number musing on the inevitability of age and how the speaker (Arthur Chu) will be changed when he wins the SWIL lottery. GOOD MARY, GOOD MARY A cynical satire piece about the meaninglessness of the modern rat race, particularly when Mary Wooster is driven by it to become treasurer of SWIL. SGT. PUCIK'S SCIENCE FICTION CLUB (REPRISE) Revisiting the classic jaunty theme of this theme album, only this time with water guns. A DAY IN NON-SWIL-BUSINESS A bonus track, widely considered to be the most moving and impactful orchestral rock song every written, about the sense of dislocation experienced in modern life by turning 22 and trying out for a cappella groups. SGT. PUCIK'S SCIENCE FICTION CLUB It was just a year ago today Sgt. Pucik gave our club its name We've been dithering for quite a while, Now it's 12:07, what the hell? So may I introduce to you The SWIL you've known for all these years, Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club We're Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club, Our meeting's really just a show, We're Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club, Sit back and let disorder go. Sgt. Pucik's Science, Sgt. Pucik's Science, Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club You rabble are pathetic, Why did we all join SWIL? Why did we run for president? We'd like to just go home and sleep We'd love to just go home You all really didn't make a sound Not a single table didja pound But at least we've got our friend's support He's a president who served before So let me introduce to you­ But wait a minute, Mark's not here... At Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club! (Mark's...not...here!) (YOU'LL ALL DIE) WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM SOME THUGS What do you think? Would you take some fake guns, Wear black trenchcoats and walk down the stairs? Or sign on this sheet to be waited upon And then never get up from your chair Oh, till you die with a little help from some thugs Mmm, and we'll lie there while being kicked by some thugs Mmm, plates will fly as we're being killed by some thugs What do we do when we hear from Big Al That we pigs are gonna soon be sucking lead? How come the Sharples employees allow A Valentine's event that ends in death? Oh, we'll all die with a little help from some thugs Mmm, and we'll lie there while being kicked by some thugs Mmm, plates will fly as we're being killed by some thugs And we need some fedoras And long black trenchcoats for thugs. Could we please have fedoras And long black trenchcoats for thugs? Would you believe Sharples food was a feast If it were served as one by Eliza Blair? Would you prefer Sarah or Lauren G.? I can't tell you till I see what they wear Oh, we'll all die with a little help from some thugs Mmm, and then lie there while being kicked by some thugs Mmm, plates will fly as we're being killed by some thugs Could you please be a victron We don't need any more thugs, Could you please be a waitron And then we'll pick a head thug Oh, we'll all die with a little help from some thugs Mmm, and then lie there while being kicked by some thugs Reenact Columbine with a little help from some thugs Yes, we'll all die with a little help from some thugs With a little help from some thugs KEGGER IN THE CARIBBEAN WITH PYREX Picture yourself getting drunk at a kegger, On nothing but birch beer and Canada Dry What is the theme called? There's no way of knowing Just glassware that falls from the sky. Tropical flowers in beakers and flasks, Dangling right over your head Enough with the theme that's a pun on a title­ It's gone... Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Aaahhh... Dark fantasy would be just like the Matrix And kitschy goth people would make us all cry Jamison says that he's heard of this painting He sounds so incredibly high Dinosaurs battling robots upon Parrish lawn Just like that right-wing guy said Dark gods attack ice cream towns in the clouds And we're done Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Aaahhh... Picture yourself at a party in Paces With DJs Qian, Arthur, Tim Whalen and Mai The glassware is laid out on some kind of table "Mad scientist"? Well, that theme sounds fine... Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Kegger in the Caribbean with Pyrex Aaahhh... [3x] MOVING KEGGER They move the kegger all the time The presidents are mad at the school (While all of SWIL complains) The events held in Paces aren't cool (And all of SWIL complains) We're tracking them down, Mai's running around Reserving our space by their rules (Fools...) We've got to admit we moved the kegger (Kegger...) A later kegger, now, this time (Can't get no space...) We don't know quite when we'll have the kegger (Kegger...) We swear the kegger will be just fine We've been bumped out by some kind of band We're hiding our heads in the sand They gave us the word We finally heard We're doing the best that we can We've got to admit we've moved the kegger (Kegger...) There'll be no kegger Feb. 26 (Can't get no space...) We don't know quite when we'll have the kegger (Kegger...) The root beer kegger's date has been switched No, the stupid kegger's not on time! The root beer kegger's not on time (Kegger, kegger, kegger...) The root beer kegger'll take some time (Kegger, kegger, kegger...) It used to be clearly on schedule We'd beat the others to get our February slot A free Saturday can't be that far away And we're doing the best that we can (Phooey!) We admit we've moved the kegger (Kegger...) The root beer kegger's still just fine (Can't get no space...) Yes we admit we've moved the kegger (Kegger...) The root beer kegger's running out of time! No, the stupid kegger's not on time! The root beer kegger's not on time (Kegger, kegger, kegger...) The root beer kegger'll take some time (Kegger, kegger, kegger...) No, the stupid kegger's not on time! LAUREN R S Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid How much'll the company charge us? If it's too much we'll take your job away Buy a shirt, then buy four more, then Give the money all to Lauren Filling out the orders in her little white book Make the colors taupe and silver If she gets it wrong then kill her Make her learn the difference between taupe and tan Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid If I smile at you sweetly Can you let me Just have a shirt for free? Lauren! Draw a sketch and hope that it wins So we all can be blown by "SWIL wind" Or else get a freshman to submit it again Half of SWIL will probably hate it Lauren still will have to make it Even if it's got an ugly duck stencil or two Oh, Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid For a whole week we love you Give us our shirts, once more we'll snub you Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid Lauren R Smith T-shirt maid (a-dup, a-dup, a-dup, a-dup...) (Whoo! Whoo! Oh! Ah! Ah! ...) (Oooohhhaah!) Lauren! SFDT'S "CHEATING DEATH" Thursday evening at five-thirty as the meal begins Silently closing the Sharples door Each of the nerds hoping they can say more They go upstairs to the couches clutching Piers Anthony Raucously starting SFDT By Alex Pschenichkin's decree SFDT (How can we redefine life?) is "Cheating (Are robots really alive?) death" (What if there's nanotech Bill Gates can buy?) Is cheating death like the DM guide says Like some magic spell? Arthur's bored as his friends get into their anime Picks up the thread about that Planescape game And there's that Buffy episode Groundhog Day They break down and scream at each other That's incorrect, you're wrong Don't treat the canon so thoughtlessly There was no evidence onscreen SFDT (We've memorized lots of spells) Is "cheating (And read some books about stem cells) death" (We've studied life sciences yet have no lives) There's no evidence there for some "Palpatine's heir" In the movie scripts. (Bla, bla) Friday morning at nine o'clock we are stuck in class Waiting to take the exams we won't pass 'Cause we were talking about sentient gas SFDT (Why did I stay there so long) Was so much (I know not studying is wrong) Fun (But next time we're talking 'bout sexy bad guys) Ones that can fly and have muscular thighs Like in Xenogears. (Bla, bla) SFDT's cheating death (Bla, bla) TICKET NUMBER 2 Some Swillie oldster had an idea Many years ago Listening to Swillies grumble, moan and whine Not one meeting started on time They'd all been up till quarter to three, Sleeping long past noon, But they responded to something they wanted Ticket number two. Run a lottery Buy something cute, absurd But, above all, cheap. It could be candy, could be a toy A wad of pre-chewed gum You can look into the mystery bowl Find a dollar or lump of coal Or watch the X-Men on VHS, Nothing else to do Once they begin it we all try to win it Ticket number two. Every six weeks you're a winner By the laws of chance, if the thing's not rigged Is that a fair die? Best thing's to be sure Say nice things to Mai Choose from a tape that nobody wants Or that silly bowl See if you can trade the whole thing in for a date But Jillian's taken and Andrew's not gay Reading the kanji, weird squiggly lines Numbering exactly two Enough with this lottery, look under the pottery Winner: Arthur Chu. GOOD MARY, GOOD MARY Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary, yeah Nothing to do to find those ten bucks in the budget Nothing to say but what the hey let's just fudge it Nothing to do it's up to you The presidents say that it's okay Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary Jamison's left, spent all our cash at Hooters Looking around, I see that we've found Mary Wootters None of us have ever known what we were doing All our finances are already in ruin All you have to do is sign these sheets Then you're on your own just be discreet After a while you start to smile now you're the treasurer Then you decide that it's more fun to be an embezzler Scrounge some spare change, make the total the same The presidents just say that it's O.K. Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary People running round 'cause George is gone Turns out those books were worth a ton. Everyone you know just had no words The time you sold all those foam swords Somebody needs to hold the cash, glad that you're here Paying the bills you start to steal a little here and there Next thing you know SWIL is flat broke And the presidents still say that it's O.K. Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary Good Mary, good Mary Good Mary ... SGT. PUCIK'S SCIENCE FICTION CLUB (REPRISE) (1, 2, 3, 4) We're Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club We hope you all had fun We're Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club Sorry 'bout those water guns Sgt. Pucik's Science Sgt. Pucik's Science Sgt. Pucik's Science Sgt. Pucik's Science Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club Nominate books for Cordwainer Bird We're not quite sure what that even means But it's our usual final word Sgt. Pucik's Science Sgt. Pucik's Science Sgt. Pucik's Science Fiction Club A DAY IN NON-SWIL BUSINESS Mark Handler's twenty-two today, oh boy He is a lucky man who'll graduate And though that makes us rather sad Well we're still pretty glad We've seen him brassiere-clad He liked to study railroad cars He didn't notice this was very strange A crowd of people met at six They went out to the Ville Even though it makes you ill They got Swarthmore Pizza still They saw a film that night oh boy The English Army had just built a bridge Some whistling people marched across All those crazy engineers The model for poor Mark's career We'd love to get him drunk Woke up, remembered that Qian Said something about some kind of dance Found my way to Tarble at 9:30 And tangoed dirty until they kicked me out Prepped my voice, stole a girl's hat Learned to beatbox in seconds flat Found my way to Lang, sang with Cantatrix, Then Finlay the Spec and I went to Chaverim At four and seven that day oh boy Four thousand hours in a cappella groups And though the groups were rather small I auditioned for them all Now I know how many groups it takes to fill Lang Concert Hall I'd love to get them drunk "Nworb Werdna Sah Ylrig Sdnah...Nworb Werdna Sah Ylrig Sdnah..." ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Jillian, Andrew, Mai and Marko would like to thank the following friends and family, without whom this recording would not have been possible: Alex "La! Me?!!! OMGxor2! IR t3h average forum post3r!" Pshenichkin [Our beloved longtime manager who let us crash in his garage when we were starting out] Alex's "You're all secretly in love with me" Evil "Also, I'm studly" Twin (Bleh! Uik! - Alex) Eliza "Freedom by induction" Blair Marie "HAIL OG" Cosgrove-Davies [Brought us to the United States on her "really big show"; thanked us for giving her something with a beat that she could dance to] Venger "Applehammer Attackers Anonymous" Jamison nosimoJ "!sdrawroF sihT daeR t'noD" regneV (the character after the D is supposed to be an upside-down ?; I'm not sure how this'll render in other text editors -jillian) Arthur "I am Christina Rosetti" Chu [A better producer there never was; many thanks for his trademarked "sound of walls", a sort of echoey flat plaster-sounding reverb that made our tracks what they were] -Michael "Barbara Boxer Rebellion" Noda ["Anybody who claims to understand me as an individual artist or even as part of the Beatswils has absolutely misunderstood everything I've ever said if they can't understand why I'm with Noda." - Jillian] ["Whatever. Just give me back my songwriting credits so I can have my own label without having to be around you two." - Mai] ["C'mon, don't fight, you two. Buddha teaches us that the way to resolve conflict is through meditation and incense burning and...guys? I'm talking here. Guys?" - Andrew] ["Hey, are there any other bands out there that need a drummer?" - Marko] Emmanuelle "Weeeeeeeeeeee" Wambach Finlay "ber" Logan Schroedinger's "Dead" Cat Chris "two all-trump" White Schrdinger's "Alive" Cat Schrdinger's "Dead" Cat Lauren "Unedd" Smith (ok, so I can't read what she actually wrote) Schrdinger's "Wave" Cat Greg "Adahu" Robinson David Stifler [The Maharishi Mahastifler, who taught us of the beauty beyond the mortal plane, and the mind-expanding powers of the ancients stored in their recipes for beer, corn whiskey and Everclear.] "|| = _, = |" || j( [] | j Kate "I'm just here for the food" Smith-Morse Tim "I hate yellow" Whalen Lauren "Straight outta Hobbiton" Goodfriend Sarah "SWIL brings people together. Then dismembers them again" Hartman Chris " "Let Arthur speak" - Mai " jager MARK "PLOW TO END OF THE ROW" HANDLER [He will be missed. I'm sure we'll be hard pressed to find another lad who can play drums and wear really flashy rings with Hindu curses on them at the same time. Maybe if we buy a machine.] PILE OF "SQUIRMING MASS OF GREEN" PICKLES Jerome "The Presidents are undignified" Fung Drew "Not really here, just visiting" Szafran Qian "vandalized, stabbed" Li Viva "I missed the Ruach bagel brunch" Horowitz Ben "squaring the hippopotenuse" Newman Mai "Coo-Coo-Kichoo" Pucik [The ladies' Beatswil. Now fantastically wealthy and married multiple times.] Jillian "Not my fault" Waldman [The lonely Beatswil. The dreamer, the Communist visionary, the one who was unfortunately killed by a deranged fan who wanted to steal her idenity.] Meredith "sub-orbital Super Soaker Laser" Conforti Brown [The spiritual Beatswil. A gentle spirit who wrote deeply philosophical songs no one remembers and...died somehow of something. Not that long ago. I think.] David 'First to be Last' A. Benitez [One of many "fifth Beatswils" - in fact, actually the fifth "fifth Beatswil". Other than that he's just some guy.]