From mhandle1 @ swarthmore.edu Thu Apr 29 17:50:56 2004 Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 17:48:12 -0400 (EDT) From: Mark Handler Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: SWILnews Subject: The Gospel According to SWILnews #11 In the beginning were the Presidents, and the Presidents were with SWIL, and the Presidents were with SWIL, and the Presidents were SWIL. They were in the beginning with SWIL. All things were made through Them, and without Them, nothing was made that was made. In Them was life, and the life was the chaos of non-members. And the disorder shines on the rabble, and the rabble does not comprehend it. And SWIL saw the SWILbusiness, that it was good. And SWIL divided the SWILbusiness from the nonSWILbusiness. ----------------------------- SWILBusiness: ----------------------------- There was once a man sent from the Phoenix, whose name was Alex Leader-Smith. And the scribe of the SWILlies did declare that he was the most expendable of all the non-members, and he did inscribe it in the notes, for all posterity to know and to acknowledge. This meeting was not that of the movie nominations, but was sent to bear witness for the meeting of the movie nominations. Those are the movie nominations which give movies to every non-member who comes into Swarthmore. And these movie nominations are on May the 1st. There was Walpurgisnacht (oh, that goes so well with the theme! -v) in the world, and the world was made through SWIL, but the world did not know SWIL. And then, spontaneously, the Presidents became flesh, and they dwelt among the non-members. And they beheld Their glory, the glory as of the only begotten of SWIL, full of order and chaos. (Wait, since when are we SWILspawn?) And the SWIL Scribe bore witness to Them, and cried out, saying, 'This is Jillian, of whom I spoke, and if you have ordered a SWILshirt, render unto her your money, or she will set her demonic familiar (is demonic familiar actually in there? -v) (yes -t) Caesar upon you. (Caesar? -v) (yes. you know, render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's... -t).' And the Presidents said, 'Let there be SWILshirts." And there were SWILshirts. And the Presidents saw that there were SWIlshirts, and saw that it was good. Now this is the testimony of Andrew, when the non-members sent people and other people from their tables to ask him, 'What is Saturday Night SWIL?' He confessed, did not deny, but confessed, that this Saturday night, SWIL would gather for a filksing in Bond. And they asked him, then, 'What was Saturday Night SWIL last meeting?' He said, 'Yes, it was.' 'Was there also gaming?' And he answered, 'Yes.' And they said, 'Were there sex, and bonfires?' He said, 'No, because the same people who snuck away to game protested that sex and bonfires were immoral and dangerous.' In the next minutes, the Presidents saw Parrish renovations coming toward Them, and They said, 'Behold, George must be moved." And They called upon the people who stood before Them to help Them to relocate those things that were stored in George, and bring them to a new place. And the Presidents continued to speak unto the people, and They told them, that in a week, there would be a a great gathering of people, and all those seniors who had been dismembered would be remembered. And they set the date for Senior Remembrances to be the eighth day of May. (Are remembrances when people get remembered? -t) (yes, and they get their limbs back -v) (do I have to get my limb back? I don't want my limb back. It's gangrened. -t) Now when the conversation had lulled, Sam Jenkins sat down with the assembled non-members, bearing a small can of spam. As they were eating, the Spam spoke, and it said 'Assuredly I say to you, one of you will betray Me.' And they were all exceedingly startled, and each of them began to say to It, 'Spam, is it I?' Then It answered and said, 'All of you will betray Me, but he who brought Me into this room will betray Me most of all, for it is he who built the cross on which I will be crucified, and he who bought the nail that will be driven into My metal.' And the people denied that any of them would ever commit such a horrible deed, but each, in his heart, secretly looked forward to Spammageddon, the coming Massacre of the Spam, which would occur during Reading Week. And it would be called 'the Passion of the Spam.' (No, this isn't just our theme running away with us. -tv) There arose a great clamor from the back of the room, and Ben Newman stood. He proclaimed to the Presidents and the people, that next year there should be a great battle fought with foam swords, every week. He named the event 'Foam Warriors.' And the Presidents looked at the event, and saw that it was a good idea, as long as They did not have to run it. Now, when the Presidents were planning the events of the next few days, there was mention of a man named Blake, who had been impossible to find for the past week. It was proposed that a new verb be coined, to commemorate Blake, and so it was that SWIL voted for "to Blake out" to become an official part of the SWIL lexicon. It came time for the lottery to be held. And the lottery was held, and one among the people was selected as the winner. And the winner was Robert, and he was given a shiny, bouncy, light-up ball, and three covered bowls, to choose between. And though the people shouted 'bowl!' with all their might, some of the other people shouted 'ball!' just as loudly, and so Robert chose the ball. And the Presidents looked at the ball, and saw that it was good, and were slightly sad that They'd had to give it away. And the Presidents said, 'Let the meeting move on to nonSWILbusiness.' And the meeting moved on to nonSWILbusiness. And the Presidents said that it was good. ---------------------------------- Non-SWILBusiness ---------------------------------- Someone spoke to SWIL, and said that there would be Diplomacy played on the 11th of May. Peter Schickele came to Swarthmore, to the building of Lang, and there he gave a lecture on the Blues, last Sunday, at 3 pm. Meanwhile, in the land surrounding the great dormitory of Mary Lyon, there was a great barbecue, and much food was consumed. There was also gaming all afternoon, though due to the heroic efforts of the SWIL scribe, the location of this gaming has been forever lost to mankind. (we love you, andrew -tv) People gathered in Upper Tarble on Saturday night for a contra dance. The clouds opened, and a chorus of scantily clad angels appeared, singing "Glory to the Presidents in the highest! And on earth peace, goodwill toward men." Actually, they didn't. But, from a ship high in the air, came Nick's voice, announcing that there would be no Star Trek showing this (last) week. Another voice could be heard alongside his, declaring in sepulchral tones that he, Arthur, needed to be driven to Penn. The Eye of Argon shall be read on the Fourth of May, which is Tuesday, at 4 pm. Of this story, it has been said that it was voted the worst short story ever three years running, although it was only nominated once. It also has been said that Grignr is a terrible thing to name one's child. Then someone spoke of the reunion mailing list, reunion(at)swil.org, and said that all those who were planning on remaining at Swarthmore for Alumni Weekend, should subscribe to it. There was gaming in Kohlberg after meeting, and people went to the senior sale in Wharton and bought things. And it was also kind of good. -------------------------------------------- Now this is the lineage of Vulcan "the Duck" Handler... -------------------------------------------- Meredith "Enslaving Gods Since 1985" Conforti Brown begat M. Jawaad "Why am I here?" Hussain who begat Anna "an hour of logic arguments to convince myself everything is okay" Lee who begat Sarah "What diabolical chicken" Hartman who begat JC "A horse divided will always vote 'neigh'" Ravage (*smack* -tv) who was trampled to death by his horse, but not before begetting BDan "languaging weirds verbiage" Fairchild who begat Nick "As a master of the School of Diplomacy, I cast Protection from Slash, Level 9" who begat Ben ""(descending quotes impossible to render in ASCII)"" Newman who begat Abby "My summer vacation can kick your summer vacation's _ass_." Friedman who begat Arthur "TECUMSEEHH!!!" . . . . . Chu *splat* whose battered remains begat (ooh, Darwin award! -v) Jerome "I've been procrastinating so badly lately" Fung who begat Eliza "The Chronicles of Orange-Man" Blair who begat Christopher "Political correctness is wrong!" Jager who begat Not Jackie Werner. Really. who, despite that, begat Spamuel Jenkins who begat Arronax the Fish who begat Gerg "Emankcin a fo kniht t'nac" Nosnibor who begat Rachel "It's hard to play the tunnel as a wind instrument." Sapiro who begat Rebecca "Coffee" McFarland who begat Mark "STRAFFORD STATION" Handler who begat MAI "SMURFETTE" PUCIK who begat (oh my god, Mark is now my father -t) Robert "I'm here. Really. I think.." McFarland who begat Jillian "Red onion, I peel you layer" Waldman who lived for a long time, or at least long enough to type up SWILnews. In the name of Order, Disorder, and the Sacred SWIL, with deepest apologies for blasphemy, Tall and Venti