Date: Tue, 3 Feb 2004 12:43:40 -0500 (EST)
From: Jillian Waldman 
Reply-To: Dubious Yet Illustrious Leaders 
To: "SWIL List (Nick's version)":  ;
Cc: Dubious Yet Illustrious Leaders 
Subject: This Week in SWIL #2

Once upon a time, there were three orphans, who lived in a cabin
deep in the forest.  In the forest, there also lived many magical animals,
such as fox and deer and rabble.  Of all of these, the rabble were the
most pathetic, because they were magical animals without any magic powers.

One day, the orphans decided to go out into the world to seek their
fortune.  So they called together all of the fox and deer and rabble, and
asked them, "which among you would like to go with us to see the world?"
One fox, one deer, and one rabble responded, saying they would follow, and
help, and see the world. The tallest orphan took with her the fox, the
purplest took with her a deer, and the prettiest took with him a rabble.
(you can be the prettiest - v) (you just want to be the purplest - g) (yeah
- v)

The tallest sacrificed her pen as an offering to the gods, to see them
safely on their journey.  Then they set out on the long road through the
countryside.

**SWILBusiness**

The first place they came was a small town, with houses with peaked roofs.
Sitting in the middle of the town square, was a large, disheveled bird.
"None shall pass!" said the bird. (until you bring me a shrubbery! - g)
The three orphans looked around the square, and saw that there was no way
around the bird.  "O great bird, is there any way we can appease you?"
said the orphans.  "Only the wisest can pass through this town, and they
will show their wisdom by giving me a list of the greatest science fiction
books of all time, so that I can put them in my magical library."  The
orphans whispered among themselves, and at last came up with a list of
books to present to the bird.  Being wise, they did not include any Piers
Anthony, knowing that it would surely guarantee their doom.

The bird accepted the list, and let them pass.  They walked through the
town without further event.  The only person they passed was a street
vendor, hawking t-shirts.  "Would the brave heroes who vanquished the
library bird like to buy t-shirts as souvenirs? Fifteen drachmas a
t-shirt!"  The orphans were intrigued, and asked to see the vendor's
wares.  The t-shirt seller only sighed mysteriously and said, "you will
only know what the t-shirts look like when you, yourselves, have designed
them."  So they walked on.

On the inskirts of the town, they came upon an angry mob, shouting and
brandishing various rusty-looking weapons and farm implements.  Being
curious orphans, they stopped to take a look.  In the center of the mob,
they spotted a barefoot man in shorts.  Over the crowd's shouts of "Lynch
him!", they could just barely hear him singing obscene parodies at the top
of his lungs.  Clearly, the crowd wanted to kill this man.  The orphans
wanted no part, and continued on their way.

Along the road outside the town, they spotted a strange, old, bald man,
holding a hand-numbered sign that read  "Repent! Spammageddon is
tomorrow!"  (You see, this is now the second time that you've made this
potentially faulty assumption.  The story sort of falls apart without it.
-g) (Are you done yet? -v) (no.  Can the orphans read? -g) A spam-scented
breeze wafted towards them, and they hurried on their way, eager to leave
this cursed place.

The next town they reached seemed to contain an incongruously large tower
in the center.  The orphans asked a passing rabble who dwelt in the tower,
and the rabble replied that it was the tower of the Majordomo.  "And who
is this majordomo?" asked the the orphans.  "The Majordomo lives in an
ivory server room, and watches over the lists known as chat, debate, fun,
and geek."  The orphans, who were curious about everything, asked the
rabble all it knew about these lists.

It told them, that the chat list (chit-chat AT swil DOT org) was
created in 1996 by a wizard known as Josh Smith, and it contained many
captive souls who chattered away all day.  The debate list was similar
to the chat list, but much younger, and the shouts and yells of the
ranting souls inside could be heard for miles.  "And," said the
rabble, "if you listen carefully over the roar of debate, you can hear
the murmurs of geek chat, whistling through space like pings over a
network." They asked him about the fun list, and he replied that if
they didn't know about that, they didn't know anything. (that's not
very nice of you, whether or not it's true -g) "Should anyone want to
enter one of these lists and join in the conversations of their
denizens, they must simply email majordomo @ swil.org, putting the words
'subscribe ' in the body of the message," said the rabble.
"And, one word of warning.  If you post links to fun, beware the wrath
of the tentacled god of death." (can I put that? - v) (sure. every
good story needs a tentacled god of death -g)

In the center of this village, in the town square overlooked by the tower,
they saw numbers being drawn from a tall, pointed hat.  The winner of the
lottery was JC, and he stepped forward to choose his prize.  Despite the
shouted suggestions of the rabble, JC chose the transient sweetness of
Sweethearts as his prize, over the enduring lastingness of whatever was in
the mystery bowl.

**NonSWILBusiness**
As JC stepped back into the crowd, a cloaked messenger arrived in the
village square.  "I come from the mythical land of Bryn Mawr," she told
the crowd, "where there are many others like yourselves, and if you will
journey back with me to see this land, there will be much rejoicing."
Many hands were raised, and Sarah set the date to bring them to mythic
Bryn Mawr with her, for Friday, April the Second.  All anticipated the
coming adventure, which would be known as the second DoubleSWIL.

Editor's note: At this point it should be noted that JC is trying to buy a
car, and would like to co-buy it with other people to pay the $650 price
and repairs.  However, as this is a fantasy universe where cars do not yet
exist, we invite you to merrily ignore this fact for the time being and
continue on your journey, thus preventing unfortunate temporal loops and
the like.

Next, the orphans came upon a strange gathering of people. (Anything in
the ML lounge is liable to include a strange gathering of people -g) The
people appeared to be watching...well... being young innocent, the orphans
did not know, and had to ask the spokesman, Sam Jenkins, what exactly was
going on.  The animal companions just hid their eyes, afraid of what would
happen next, while the rabble tittered with anticipation.  "Why, it's the
Mating Game," said Sam. (I'm a horrible person and deserve to be shot -g)
(? -v) (I was thinking of the mating game, and I was picturing Can't Stop
-g) (Aaaaah! -v) "One of the most wonderful documentaries known to me."
Horribly scarred by the happenings in the ML lounge on tuesday at 9 pm,
the orphans continued on their way.

Next, they were sonically assaulted by a roving band of Puzzle Pirates,
who wanted to show episodes of Star Trek.  Miraculously, they escaped
without becoming wards of the Dread Pirate Nick. (*evil laughter* -gv)

They passed a ceilidh dance and people buying cheap dice, both of which
have now already happened.  The temporal anomaly drove them all mad and
they went on a rampant killing spree, killing both the deer and the fox.
The rabble somehow survived.  The orphans were locked away in jail and the
key was thrown away.

As they were being dragged off to their cells, the orphans couldn't help
but notice the strange markings on the walls, several saying "Submit to
BEM" [Editorial comment: by February 29th], and others featuring a
photograph of SWIL, dated tomorrow, 2/7/04. (this is again assuming that
they can read -v)

Through the bars of their prison can be heard to this day shouts of
the following forms:

Attendance List of Dead Cats	1/31

Andrew "White Mage Who Can Kick Ass" Conforti Brown
Felony "Stabbity Death" Conforti Brown
Blair "Proxying Michael Stone against his will" Reaser (aren't there laws
against proxying people against their own will? - g)
Miriam "Nominate people, you stupid illiterate books" Newman (do you have
any idea how many times that's been used? - g)
Michael "I am Burt's Beeswax lip balm" Stone (By Proxy)
Ben "Miriam's Shadow" Thuronyi (that deserves a comment -v)
Nick "Quetanye i lambė Eldaiva" Ward
Susan "The Evil forces of Biology (Sex + Death) Prevail!" Zell (just NO
-g)(can I put that? -v) (just NO! -g)
Sarah "Nasty Fiery Death" Hartman
JC "Killer evil God of Death" Ravage
Chris "Sorry, no witty nickname this time" White
[unsightly blot] I Ate "Greg Robinson" For dinner
Anna "The dead cat lives and the spam shall rise again" Lee
Michael "Banned from building the Ben Franklin Bridge at SWILmeeting" Noda
Chris "Great siege of Malta...mmmm" Segal
Jonathan "2-Dimensional Character" Schneider
Arthur "1-Dimensional Alignment Axis" Chu
Alex "Bitter Ginsu Elf" Pshenichkin
My name is not important (yes it is -g)
Abby "...	...	...  oh, I give up" Friedman
Rachel "...Why am I here again?" Sapiro (were you here a first time? -g)
Adam "I've dreamed of defending my house from invading Uruk-hai for 2
nights in a row...does this mean anything?" Oleksa
Samuel Matthew Jenkins v.2.0.1
Jackie "When in doubt, storm the fortress" Werner (even if it's a
"blockhouse"? -v)
Jerome "Why don't we sing a song?" Fung
Jean "1st step: I have a punctuality problem." Schneider (We didn't notice
for the whole first half of meeting... -v)
Michael "Yeah, I'm procrastinating becoming sentient" Cohen
Blake C.M. "seven-sided die" Setlow
Eliza "Fluffy bites you. Roll a reflex check" Blair
Mai "Mmph..." Pucik
MARK "CONTRACTING FOR NOSE AND SINUS REMOVAL SERVICES" HANDLER
Jillian "let the record show that Mark + Mai are effectively dead" Waldman

~~~~~~~~~~
And another SWILnews with a complicated plot passes...

without anything actually happening.

THE END

Brought to you by the drink sizes that make virtually no sense,

Tall, Grande, and Venti