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/* SWILNews #14 */
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//The Adventures of SWILNews #14 of Star Command//

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/* SWILBusiness */
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All right Space Rangers, now listen up! The Evil Emperor Zurg is on the move again, and while Buzz and his team thwart his latest evil plot, there are some things that need be taken care of around here.

Ranger Jillian, you're going to be our new AKOND of Swat. Yes, I know it's a mispronunciation of "acorn", and yes, I know you're not an incarnation of Immanuel Kant, but that kant be proven. Your new duties call, so get moving!

We just got in the latest Superargo 9000 from the planet Movies in the Unlimited cluster. The morale officer will organize a showing in the mess hall at 2200 hours on some Monday in the distant future, barring any unforeseen spatial anomalies, Zurg attacks, or purple jokes.

While we're on the subject of entertainment, I must inform you that the LGMs have just done some calculations that reveal next year's Galactic Pterodactyl Hunt Wizards to be Ranger Nick, Ranger Jillian, and Ranger Arthur. Congratulations to all of you, and may whatever god you believe in have mercy on your soul.

Finally, we have a new cadet who is ready to join the ranks of the Space Rangers. Cadet, state your full name!
"Christopher Edwin Segal"
Cadet Segal, are you sentient?
"Yes"
Prove it! And may I remind you, demonstrating that your domesticated feline is sentient because it is a criminal mastermind is not sufficient. Also, inflicting evil rituals on said 'cat' is against the Galactic Code for the Protection of Cute and Fuzzy Things, Section IV, Sub-Section 7, Paragraph xii. Let's not forget the Tribble fiasco of 2293.
Cadet, I can see that you don't do things half-assedly, since you just sat down with your whole ass. However, what is far more relevant to your sentience is that you were not afraid of Ranger Abby during your training. Congratulations, Space Ranger Chris Segal. Now, there is just the small business of removing one of your limbs, for our records. Honestly, where do you think I got my peg-leg from?

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/* Lottery */
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Ranger Jillian, you have won the weekly Pan-Galactic Lottery. Since you don't want those Goo-eyes, you receive the contents of Cosmic Mystery Bowl #1: the three little pigs.

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/* Non-SWILBusiness */
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Ranger Abby, I will have to confine you to quarters with Duct Tape for starting the purple joke. You've scared enough cadets for one day.

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/* Senior Remembrances */
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//Comma//
	The SWIL purity test was created his freshman year. There was a point added to the test for making a snetience proof longer than 20 minutes. Comma hadn't proven sentience yet. There was also a point for trying to get a point on said test. He proved on movie nomination day. He proved that Elliot doesn't exist, and things with ducks. Everyone was ready to strangle him. The test point was removed.
	He was a lovely queen in chess.
	Nickel Creek commented on Comma's bishopness
	Comma, Kyra, Elliot and Rebecca stayed in the Third Wing room all day. Both Comma and Rebecca announced that they would never, ever join SWIL
	Comma used to bring the typewriter Daphne, Margaret the camera, Callicles the moose, and others. Only Callicles proved sentience.
	Raoul and Comma had many mini-prop adventures, including The Cube. Some cubes had faces that said things about world domination.
	Comma's RPS (responsive propaganda syndicate) had many great moments, including Geek Pride, Hop for War, Subvert the Imperative Paradigm, and Staying-In Week.
	Comma once produced 10 resources on a 9, including 4 gold. This is why we don't play settlers with gold anymore.
	Sven thinks that Comma always wins in settlers.
	He always signed his name in lower case, with a comma after the r. Lots of us objected to this morally.  Finally, we came to the agreement that we would accept his preferred signature if he would let us call him "Comma".
	Comma was in Sam's math class, and she had a crush on him, and she was sad, and nothing ever come of it. Really.
	Comma, Raoul, and Sam were in a trio, and Raoul would steal Sam's glasses, and Comma would try to stop the fighting.
	Comma bought a rapier at the Ren Faire last year, and tried to scare JC and Rachel.
	He was the Whore of Babylon at Sager his sophomore year, and ended up playing Lunch Money with Sam because he doesn't dance.
	All of the chairs and tables were being moved around in the small room for the purposes of the SWIL Reunion. The Sharples workers went away when Comma told them they were working "through the alumni office".
	Kyra and Comma did Donna Jo syntax problem sets together. At one point, the game of shooting down police helicopters was developed as a sport. This should have warned Kyra away from doing syntax problem sets with Comma. Later, Comma wasn't helping on the problem set, and was instead making paper dolls out of scrap paper in Kohlberg. This was the only time that Kyra was intimidated by Comma. The scissors used were very small.
	Comma sinned because of Qian. It was between Comma, Qian, and God, but now she's going to tell everyone. Qian was mad at BDan, and went to hide in Comma's room, where he was working on his thesis. BDan came over, so Qian hid in Comma's closet. After BDan left, Qian came out of the closet in Comma's room.
	Rebecca and Comma would plan elaborate deaths for their advisor. One idea was to convince a psych major do a thesis on criminal insanity and bring in a homicidal psychopath to be released in Ted's office.
	Kyra remembers the time she fell asleep next to Ted, and woke up, and he had turned into a chickum. No one knows what a chickum is.
	Elliot lived in Comma's quad his freshman year for the purposes of doing his 16H problem sense. They took a random blackboard from Parrish 5th, after checking that no one cared, and brought it to the quad. The back of the board had a parlor games score from Fred Bush' 21st birthday party years before. When living in ML, they rearranged their furniture into a rat maze to install the blackboard.
	Comma introduced Raoul to Jack Chick's tracts, especially Dark Dungeons.
	Last year, when Jawaad and Chris were scared of SWILlies, but went to Fellowship of the Rings at the same time anyway. Some other people in the theater were talking about the hot blonde chick in the front row, namely Comma in a Galadriel costume.
	Comma was mistaken for a middle-aged man's wife, and then his daughter, by a drunken man on a train.
	JC tried to pick up Comma at his first SWILloween when Comma was dressed as Pippi Longsticking.
	Sam told Comma his costume made him look hot, and then said she was kidding when he asked "really?".
	Arthur's first Comma memory was seeing him at the SWIL table at the Activities Fair and thinking about long-haired Swatties.
	Noda remembers seeing Elliot and Comma in Third Wing mode being very scared.
	Comma had an intimidate/bluff based D&D character in Nick's campaign, and managed to convince the local law enforcement that his character was in said organization's special, secret forces.
	Comma once played a kobold named Fritz with a Parasol of Flying.
	Comma offered to be the evil elf in a siamese twin pair with Abby where Abby was the cook. JC was some combination of insane and desperate for allowing this.
	Arthur had a cognitive dissonance when he saw Comma in a dress.
	Comma got his hair cut. Some people were sad. Abby thinks it is ugly.
	After folk dance, Comma, Sam, and Rebecca Ennen, sat in Paces talking for four hours.
	Comma and Sam braided Kyra's hair for her in ML after folk dance once.
	Arthur, after seeing that Comma and Elliot also ran Third Wing, thought that all clubs were run by Elliot and Comma.
	Abby declared Comma, Elliot, and BDan the Best Presidents Ever for writing SWIL/News #4.
	Noda Russia and Comma France worked together to leave JC with only a fleet in Portugal. JC still thinks Comma is evil, and will never play England again.

//Hollis//
	Hollis was the Black Knight for four years in the 'Dactyl Hunt. He valiantly protected Abby's honor. Hollis had to eject Jonathan from the shrine of the oracle for trying to ask more than one question.
	Hollis was a big factor in Sam coming to Swarthmore, because he made her think that Swatties were nice.
	Hollis was in the best section of the best hall in ML. Adina didn't know the hall when she moved in, but she did when she moved out.
	Inventor of the hot chocolate concoction!
	Hollis almost talked Qian out of a Music major. Hollis was destined not to major in anything at Swat.
	Hollis was in Mixed Company for a long time, and there was Scotland Depreaved, and Scottish Spring, the soap for men.
	There were two girls dressed as Hollis and Dave Mister at Jamboree, and they said that he could sing any note.
	A guest speaker thought Hollis was a woman, because of his feminine name and writing style.
	BDan and Hollis were playing Bleeding Sherwood, a Cheapass Game, and they tried to sell a Fyne Kilt to Wee Hollis.
	Hollis played Hollis in the Magic Flute.
	Hollis visited Abby's camp, and realized that his grandparents had been there.
	Hollis was on the cover of the Phoenix for the SWIL article, leaping in his cloak in the amphitheatre.
	Every time Katie's mom calls, she asks how Hollis is doing, because they talked at a folk dance thing once.
	Kyra thinks that Hollis has been a great Folk Dance co-president.
	Hollis gives great hugs and great back rubs, and he's taking them to Scotland.
	Hollis plays a vicious game of Full Contact Red Light/Green Light.
	Hollis pokes people in the ribs when they're walking down the hall for no reason.
	Hollis and I survived evil CS (algorithms) together, and worked together on two projects.  He was managed to write code overnight and up to very few minutes before the deadline (making me nervous) but got the projects done. And, of course, griping about the professor was a very good way to make it a little better...
	Hollis passed Abby Kyla as an Opportunity once.
	Hollis, Dan Blim, and David January all dressed like Hollis for Music 15 class once. In February, because it was summer.
	BDan and Hollis are both from northern New York.
	Abby and Hollis have both been to Moody's Doiner. Some people drive 7 hours to get pie there, in Bangalor, Maine.
	Hollis and BDan took the train to Hogmanay in New York.
	Sam wuvs woo Howwif.

//BDan//
	JC went with BDan to a Phillies/Mets game in JC's freshman year. The Mets won.
	BDan dragged Abby to a Orioles/Mets game. Abby said okay, and had to go all the way to Shea Stadium.
	Arthur also thought BDan had long hair, when he really didn't.
	Qian's roommate Tanya brought a fun noodle box upstairs that had been left in Parrish Parlors, so BDan came to help her take it George. BDan just stayed and talked.
	There was an article in the Phoenix about the Parrish remodeling. Qian was quoted as saying "the dresser was so big, she couldn't fill all of the drawers until she got a boyfriend", namely BDan.
	BDan organized trips to see the Leonids in the Crum. Last year he went by himself.
	BDan wore a Ringwraith outfit to the Fellowship of the Rings premier. He couldn't see. It was voted "most intimidating costume" at the Bryn Mawr costume ball.
	Alias Blad, alias Hot Bab.  'Nuff said from me.
	"All in favor of BDan's NonSWILBusiness privileges still being revoked after he becomes president?"
	At Abby's and Ben's inauguration, Franzi took BDan's chair, but BDan removed her and then she sat back down on him. J7 asked who the hot babe was, and who was sitting in his lap. This earned BDan the title Hot Babe.
	Arthur is trying to decide which senior he wants to be, and BDan is a SWILlies with a girlfriend.
	BDan may know what a crimping tool is, but we haven't asked him yet. It's from the College Bowl web site.
	BDan is the only person who has gone in on a long sleep-disorder conversation with Noda. Twice.
	Rachel has had only two conversations to 5 am, and talked to BDan, and ran around with BDan and Ben trying to find a place high enough to watch the sunrise.
	Arthur walked home with BDan and Qian once, and BDan sang an annoying song about the Key of R.
	BDan lost his Non-SWILBusiness privileges because he read the contents of his backpack aloud during meeting.
	BDan picked up a bunch of pieces of scrap metal in Rockville, MD. Hardware is useful.
	Katie and BDan were wandering at the Ren Faire, and two atmosphere actresses fought over BDan.
	BDan has an uncanny ability to get into draws in Diplomacy, despite only having a fleet in Portugal.
	BDan and Sean Crist got in a backwards phonetics battle in Ling 20.
	Either this sentence is false, or you will die in an hour, was the threat BDan delivered to Ted. There was unholy glee.
	Ben Mitchell was in Semantics with BDan and Comma, who kept causing arguments and debates in class.
	Kyra and Comma were grading Syntax homework, and received BDan's homework, which was sewn together with thread.
	"BDan Fairchild" rolls off of the tongue easily. The B doesn't stand for anything. Rebecca didn't realize this.
	BDan was a member of the Secret Under the Table society.
	BDan technically lived in Wharton his freshman year, but effectively lived in two different ML halls, as evidenced by the yearbook.
	Many SWILlies went to see AI one summer. BDan went to the bathroom while they were at Nifty 50s after the movie, so they came up with creating a falsehood about the movie so they could argue with BDan. Rachel and Jim et al decided that the mother was the blue fairy, and had wings at several points. BDan believed them.
	BDan claims to have tasted the grape in Snazzz Red, the drink with Buzzz.
	BDan had many different weird language e-mail signatures, but Qian thought there was only one.

//Franzi//
	Many girls in the ML sophomore quint lost their heads for Highlander.
	Franzi proved sentience by cutting herself, complete with fake blood, thus demonstrating that animals don't understand sacrifice and that she was sentient. This became the local minimum standard for sentience.
	Franzi made sexual background noises when people in the quint were on the phone calling home. Rebecca's parents asked what was happening in the Den of Iniquity.
	Franzi got rather drunk and very tired and the SQU party before the End of the World party. She writhed around and ate gnutella off of her hand. She fell asleep on a pile of coats. She can pretend to be unconscious.
	Franzi and Willa had better have been extraordinarily drunk, otherwise Abby will have to kill them on behalf of her breasts.
	Franzi, Rebecca, Ben, and Kyra were wrestling, and Franzi wouldn't wake up until Ben started talking about sex.
	Franzi brought low Josh Smith numbers to the entire quint.
	Faithful t-shirt person for a couple of years.
	Franzi would order the most disgustingly colored SWIL t-shirt possible.
	Franzi and Rebecca were in South Philly, and Franzi wanted to go to Condom King. Franzi protected Rebecca from a drunken man by pretending to be her girlfriend.
	Franzi and Ursula were both born on Friday the 13th. They organized a party in which you could only eat that which was fed to you.
	"Franzi liked to abuse my body in various ways", says Kyra. Franzi would pick her up and spin Kyra around, and also thought she was a vampire with Kyra as her prey.
	Franzi is not ticklish at all, but she often tries to tickle people.
	Franzi is definitely identifiable by her love of anime, especially the tentacle porn. Noda can change the conversation topic to things that are anime, but not tentacle porn.
	Sam and Franzi encouraged people to take the Raoul Challenge and get mostly naked and watch smutty movies. The Raoul Challenge involves taking your shirt and bra off.
	Franzi and Rebecca would exchange clothing when they wanted to confuse people as to who was who. There was a plan to make the incoming freshman think that there was only one of them.
	Franzi is Katina, Katrina is a Francine. Some SWILloween.
	Franzi was one of the only people who could freak out Dan Blim.
	Bing tossed Franzi's salad for Screw. Bing didn't know that it was a euphemism. He was traumatized.
	Franzi is the only woman ever to hit on Rebecca JP Sela (that she noticed).  And her willingness to talk about anything (and her enjoyment in pushing the limits) definitely expanded horizons...

//Kyra//
	Kyra was the second Kyra to show up after Dark Crystal, and the alumni refused to believe that there was another Kyra. Kira the First, With an I, and Kyra the Younger, With a Y.
	Kyra's head eventually grants wishes.
	When Abby thinks of Kyra, two words spring to mind: James Marsters (AKA Spike).
	Sophomore year, Kyra kept walking around with her Pulp People button.
	Qian remembers Kyra's bedroom floor the most.
	Kyra played rock music really loudly, but Kyra had to stop so that Rachel could sleep.
	The Friday, and the Sunday.
	Kyra introduced Rebecca to the Fish Knows Everything.
	Kyra was the Best Fishmonger Everª. She would make people sing to her.
	Arthur thought Kyra and Rebecca were the same person.
	It would be very different if Larry Westphal said "Hey Elliot, Nice Tits", than if Kyra said "Hey Elliot, Nice Tits". Abby and Rachel conspired to get Kyra to say that at the next meeting. She said this instead of "Has anything important happened at meeting yet?".
	Robert and Rebecca took Kyra and Rachel to the beach. Kyra was tired of swimming, but neither she nor Rachel were into trying to define aesthetics. The guy next to them on the beach thought that they were from Princeton, because they were having an intellectual conversation.
	Kyra always gets a banana, and Rebecca always tries to take it.
	Kyra was flailing and kicking, trying to get a banana peel back from Rebecca. She landed on the table, and shoved it towards the wall. People at nearby tables were staring.
	The One False Religion. This is Kyra's long-standing idea to create this, if she ever becomes very reach, by faking her own death and resurrection. She would become a great religious leader and become the most powerful religion in the world. Then there would be a book that wouldn't be opened until long after her death, revealing that it was all a hoax.
	Kyra is the reincarnation of Sadie (Anwar Sadat).
	BDan and Kyra were screwed together.  This was arranged in Bulgarian. Kyra was tied up and guarded by a fire-breathing dragon (candle and aerosol can). Kyra was blindfolded and wearing her favorite shirt ever and she felt something hot and burning and later realized her favorite shirt was covered in wax. They went back to ML and watched Buffy and several other things.
	Kyra is in many ways very close to her brother, and thought that she could confide in him. Kyra talked about Ethan constantly her freshman year. Kyra said that she wasn't doing incest or anything, and someone said that at least Franzi and Hollis weren't here, but then it was usggested that Elliot and Comma were actually Hollis and Franzi in disguise, and Elliot demanded that he be Hollis. Kyra has an aesthetic obsession with incest, which is why she liked Star Wars.
	Kyra hadn't seen Star Wars before coming to Swat.
	Elliot, Comma, and Kyra were writing a letter to Ted, and Rachel went into her room to work. Elliot and Comma started talking about SQU, but forgot to close the door to Rachel's room. Rachel could see via her mirror if Kyra thought that what Elliot had said was strange. Rachel tried to communicate messages via mirror. Rachel ended up just trying to make Kyra laugh, and Kyra was trying to resist, so Comma asked why Kyra kept twitching, so Kyra hid under her covers. It was decided to be horrible, but they wanted to do it again.
	Qian picked up Kyra and threw her at Rachel, causing a foot bruising.
	Kyra is a big fan of Diana Wynn Jones.
	JC brought a stuffed animal that everyone thought was the Devil, so Kyra took it, and did something with it, and then brought it back.
	Kyra and Rachel would block the stairs in ML by talking late into the night when they lived there last year. They also exchanged very long e-mails while Kyra was in Scotland.
	Kyra only missed a few SWILMovies, not counting the ones while she was in Scotland.
	Kyra's roommate in Willets kicked her out because they were incompatible. SWIL was going to help her move. Her roommate wanted her to move out a week earlier than they had agreed. One of the people involved in the triangle move insisted that she movie early because her friend's grandmother was dying. Her roommate then brought her family and friends to stay in the room that night, and she accidentally hit her roommate's brother in the head with a door. Her roommate's brother tried to take her out partying.
	Rachel was visiting Kyra's family for Thanksgiving, and Kyra tried to convince Rachel that eating people was wrong, and Rachel threatened to eat her because she had turned into pastry. There was a concern that Kyra would turn into a pastry at inopportune times in another time zone, where no one would know what to do.
	What if sleep was a commodity that could be bought and sold? You could pay someone to sleep for you. This plan was created by Kyra and other people their freshman year.
	Kyra has a very loud but small fan that drowns out the noise of her neighbors.
	Kyra is hard to find if you want to talk to her, because she's always asleep, and she's a deep sleeper.
	Dan Blim and Kyra had fun in Philosophy of Modern Music.
	Kyra has a cousin who was JC's best friend in high school, who went to MIT, but was almost convinced to transfer here. JC's mom still confuses Lawrence and Ethan, since they both are male relatives of Kyra, and are both related to Swarthmore.
	Elliot threatened to house Kyra in Willets again, as a senior, because he was her proxy for the spring housing lottery.
	Rebecca Jones once answered a phone call from Kyra's parents, who thought that Rebecca was Kyra.
	Kyra is the platonic ideal of evil.
	If you place your hand on Kyra's head and make a wish, it will come true eventually.

//Elliot//
	Arthur thought that Elliot didn't have long hair, like everyone else.
	Abby was excited that Elliot was an E, for the purposes of table boggle. This is how he was introduced to Prime.
	Elliot shaved his beard, and it freaked people out.
	Elliot is obsessed with 80s dance music.
	Elliot always wins at Settlers, except when Chris wins.
	When I had to give up my title of Treasurer, I wanted it to go to the right person, and I decided that person was Elliot.  I remember spending almost half an hour trying to convince him that I wasn't just foisting the job off on whichever sucker would take it.  Finally I managed.  Chaos (or Kyla?) walks in, and I announce we have a new treasurer.  She remarks, "Oh good, what a sucker!"  But he turned out to be a masterful
receipt-turner-in-er.
	Also a faithful member of the B'Secret---never mind.
	Kyra's least favorite memory of Elliot is when she had to turn up the music to drown out Rebecca Sela and Elliot screaming at each other.
	Elliot and Comma would spent late nights chatting about various things, and their RA would have called Public Safety on them.
	Kyra met Elliot accidentally and not through SWIL, by wandering around Sharples with nowhere to sit. Elliot was being crazy and double majoring in physics and philosophy, and Kyra saw how that fit together, but Elliot disagreed.
	Abby tried to convince him not to take 18 credits of seminar.
	Elliot broke Abby's heart into a little million itty bitty bits because of lottery prizes.
	Elliot always took the minority opinion at Third Wing.
	Elliot was the first Swarthmore pundit who didn't annoy Arthur.
	Elliot has actually gotten through an entire paragraph of the Eye of Argon. His freshman year, he couldn't make it through more than a few words at a time, sometimes none at all.
	Elliot always tricked Nick into thinking that he was losing while playing games, and then he would suddenly win because Nick didn't pick on him enough.
	Abby, Nick, Mark, and Chris were playing settlers, and Mark said that he and Chris were planning to be the next Elliot and Comma, and Chris said "Yes, dear".
	Elliot once thought that Qian staggering about with a cramp was actually drunk.
	Rachel and Kyra had a conversation with Elliot about Upholstery, and Elliot that they were also drunk.
	Elliot finally discovered Buffy a few months ago and is now completely obsessed with it.
	There was a time last night in which they were trying to come up with senior remembrances, and kept talking about Buffy.
	Qian kept hitting on Elliot, but Elliot never noticed.
	Elliot is the most popular SWILlie because of his minority opinions, sometimes expressed in the Phoenix.
	Jonathan and Elliot happened to be on the train together, and they were talking about past SWILNews, and Elliot laughed at his own cleverness.
	Elliot learned at SWILloween, and learned that you can stay up all night and be really tired and still want to play Settlers.
	Elliot demonstrated his line of swimsuits while playing Careers for Girls by using the counter of the ML Breakfast Room as a runway. Twice.
	Elliot was one of the few people who visited Sam while she lived in Dana. He visited almost as much as Comma. This says something about both Elliot and Comma.
	Kyra and Rachel were trying to kill each other and Kyra had Rachel pinned and was tickling her, and Elliot knocked on the door, and Kyra said just a minute, but Elliot came in anyway.
	Arthur tried to screw Elliot with Quincy, but Quincy had specifically requested not to be screwed with Elliot. Arthur tried to call Elliot using Elliot Reed, but the phone wouldn't recognize that. He eventually figured out that Elliot's name is James Reed.
	Abby thinks that Elliot must be described by "Elijah Woods".
	Chris strongly associates Elliot with all that is SWIL.
	Elliot was suckered into being treasurer.
	Prime had given Elliot specific orders about in which order to ask people to be hunt wizard. Abby was last on the list, but Elliot asked her first anyway.
	Elliot and Comma were watching Earth Girls Are Easy, and Elliot thought that one of the aliens was attractive, and it turned out that that alien was played by Jim Carrey. Elliot asked Comma to forget that he said that, but no one forgot.
	Arthur will miss Elliot because of his involvement in SWIL, and he wishes that Elliot were one of the Phoenix' sex columnists.
	Noda is bitter that Elliot got an easy version of the Economics 11 curriculum, and thinks that Elliot should watch his back or one of the Ec11 veterans will come and kill him.
	When Rebecca and Comma get tired of planning to kill Ted, there is always Elliot to fall back on. For example, when he title an attendance list with "I don't have to write a thesis", all of the other seniors threatened to kill him.
	Elliot taught Raoul philosophy.
	Elliot has an aura of "I can do everything academic". He also has a straight A- average, except when he gets As.
	Abby told Elliot to be disappointed when he didn't get highest honors. He still plans to do this.
	There was a long night of rules lawyering during a game of Riddle of the Ring.
	Elliot is the person who is always interested in going on night walks in the Crum.
	Elliot always has a stupid little grin on his face, because Jawaad is blanking on everything else that happened this year.
	Elliot doesn't exist, which has really awful logical implications, like being able to prove anything.
	Arthur thinks that Elliot is the cutest SWILlie.
	Elliot won the housing lottery.
	Elliot is a vital link in the lowering of Josh Smith numbers.
	Elliot organized the trip to see Attack of the Clones.
	Elliot and Raoul had a dispute over which movie would be worse: Attack of the Clones, or Austin Powers 3: Goldmember. There was a plan to pay a committee to analyze this.
	Elliot responds to "Would you like to buy a duck?", with "When's the next time you can get to Peking?".

//Rebecca//
	Jonathan was in an astro class with Rebecca, so he slipped notes to Rebecca, with the hopes of making friends as he did in high school. They were having a discussion of causality, and there was a comic depicting someone vomiting, but in backwards order, with the caption "Impossible". Rebecca suggested that the stick figure was just suck up his vomit.
	Rebecca makes hideous french fry concoctions involving filling hollowed out french fries with weird stuff, and then making other people eat them. Elliot, Kyra, and Rebecca were there for the first french fry creation.
	Raoul thinks that Rebecca is an excellent dresser.
	Rebecca denies to this day that she was introduced to Elliot by Tom in Paces.
	Rebecca was in Kyra's CA group, so they spent some time outside of LPAC talking about how unhappy Kyra was. Kyra thinks Rebecca looks like Kyra's father's better daughter, one of his students.
	Rebecca found the Devil in the Sandman comic books really attractive.
	Rebecca and Rachel bought contact juggling balls, and learned to juggle together.
	Rebecca is a Real Man, and the only Real Man, and she's the Patriarch.
	Rebecca's sentience proof involved the distinction between good and evil: "Observe metaphorical apple: <chomp>".
	Rebecca and Noda were screwed together last year, and Noda's quintmates convinced him that he would wear all-yellow and be a french fry and get violated by Rebecca. Instead, he was the pokemon Psyduck, and Rebecca was Kasumi the trainer.
	There was a peep sculpture made out of peeps and toothpicks, created by Noda, Rachel, and Rebecca at the Dada-themed SWIL Root Beer Kegger last year. It took hours, but it was fun.
	Rebecca is the only person left who loves coffee ice cream the way that abby does.
	Rebecca's superpowers are the US and Russia, because her nickname was Just In time, and it sounded like a superhero name.
	The names Re:Rebecca and k-hat never stuck, for the purposes of distinguishing between Rebeccas.
	Rachel was trying to make hot fudge in Sharples, and Rebecca suggested toasting the chocolate syrup, and they were trying to figure out how to use the rotary toaster to cook the fudge. Comma, BDan, and JC were also there. They did a test run with a paper bowl to see if it would flip over. No one had good judgement. BDan ran away when the bowl burst into flame. Everyone left the scene.
	While Kyra was in Scotland, Rebecca took her place. Rebecca never changed the weird phone message that Kyra's parents kept getting when they tried to call her.
	Noda and Rebeccas studied together regularly, and once Rebecca's RA stopped by because Rebecca's parents were freaked out by Kyra's old phone message being on the the machine. Rebecca and Kyra switched places for housing because of going abroad.
	Rebecca planned to sacrifice Kyra to a dark god so that Kyra would die and not do her thesis and Rebecca would have a good thesis.
	Elliot used Rebecca's room to study last year, and watched Buffy DVDs in her room this year. Rebecca makes great sacrifices for Elliot.
	Rebecca and Comma had the same thesis advisor in the linguistics department, Ted Fernald. They had to present weekly on the progress of their theses, but the best meeting they ever had was in Kohlberg drinking coffee and not making stupid presentations.
	Enjoys torturing Kyra and her bananas.
	Disgusting, hideous, revolting food sculptures in Sharples.
	In case people forget, she was absolutely wonderful at Screw last year being whatever anime character she was supposed to be (and based only on three pictures found on the web and one very bad description from Rebecca JPS).
	However, the names Re-Rebecca and K-hat never really stuck.

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/* Attendance List */
/*******************/
//The Attendance List of Buttered Cats//

Abby " that's much better than buttfred cats" Friedman
BDan "Remember the Maine" Fairchild
Jillian "Better at procrastinating than giant fish are at flying through space...wanna come to a third roundsinge?" Waldman
Rebecca "my toses are roses" Kuipers
Mai "You'll never get me!" Pucik
Katie "snurp attack" McAlister
Greg "I am the man-ape, I am the sea lion, Kook, Kook, *Sneezes* Robinson
Anna "cat-presser" Lee (and cat-waxer, cat-glazer, cat-firer, and cat-firer)
Qian "Proxy D. G." Qian *
Mohammed Jawaad "3/4 Ass" Hussain
Arthur "100% ass" Chu
~Elliot "No more Honors writtens!" Reed
Ben "The Blue Fairy represents industrial capitalism" Bagley
David "Ars Mechanica" Benitez
benjamin 'remember when we murdered ~Elliot...' r, george
Callicles 'is death a subdivision of Biology' the Moose
Rachel "not enough stories" Sapiro
Jerome "O Chem Sucks" Fung
Kyra "The revolution was[n't] televised.  Now it's over, bye-bye!" Jucovy
Michael "The blade you face today is like no other" Noda
Ben "¿" Newman
JC "Professor Logan" Ravage
MARK "LIST TO PORT" HANDLER
Hollis "Squeezing buttered cats => bagpipes?" Easter
Chirs "My cat ownz ur bonez" Segal
Jean "escaping into the land of fuzzy squeezable critters" Schneider
Ben "M[seniors] => 'segmentation fault' " Mitchell
~Samantha "saaaaaaaaaaad" Crane
Nick "Ooo...warm spot.  Wait, Ick!! Warm spot!!" Ward

* This footnote IS A RUBBER

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/* The End */
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To infinite summer vacations and beyond,
Time