/***************/ /* SWILNews #5 */ /***************/ //Introducing SWILNews #5 Version 3.0// //SWILNews #5 is an Egomaniac// //SWILNews #5 est dividum in tres partes// /*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ //Death// After a hurried week of beta testing, and two rapid releases of Versions 1 and 2, SWILNews #5 Version 3.0 is ready for the masses. Major revisions to the SWILNews #5 software include: 1) Schlock Nominations and Voting are Due at Meeting. Schlock is the annual showing of three (3) hideously bad movies during the reading period of finals week. Nominate them at meeting, and vote on the three to be shown. 2) BEM submissions are due on Friday. E-mail yours to bem @ swil.org or leave them in the envelope on the SWIL board. 3) After a one-week hiatus, game of the week has returned! Come play Fluxx and Aquarius at 4 PM in Parlors. Fluxx and Aquarius are two light, fun, and silly card games from Looney Labs. 4) We will be discussing the future of SWIL at meeting. Come with concerns and ideas, and be prepared for serious discussion. 5) The Dactyl Hunt committee will be meeting after meeting. //Time// All SWILNewsii: http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Spring03/index.html /****************/ /* SWILBusiness */ /****************/ //Death// Also new in this version of the software: * Increased rabble flexibility. The rabble can be set from uber-pathetic to surprisingly unpathetic. Be on the lookout for an upgrade enabling "impressive" mode from the rabble. (That's impossible -d) (I know. Just toying with the people who go out any buy our software instead of using free open-source programs -d) * Improved coup management. The new system allows for even longer replacement government titles, such as 'ProtoNeoRetroRevolutionary Council of Ex-Presidents', and appointment of puppet presidents. (Oh, I've got no strings... -d) ( -d) * Paper-use has been economized. Even if there isn't enough paper, SWILNews #5 will run smoothly in any conditions. * Security has been tightened in Version 3.0. The new software is robust enough to handle any attacks by rival software factories, such as Why-War. The software will automatically give Time supreme executive powers and list the names of 53 anti-W non-members, as provided by JimMoskarthy. * The random Amy' generator is much improved, with Gold able to appear anywhere, at anytime. The attendance list may now be tattooed upon her with Doubletree pen, if so desired. * In another update to the security software, any or all of the presidents may be given 6-month dictator for life powers. * The root beer kegger happened last week. It is not being included in this revision of SWILNews #5. * The flaw allowing looping court stenographer jokes has been corrected. * Errors during the convolution process have been rectified. Convolving Time with Jim now yields a step function. * The new calendar module allows for the setting of a double leap-year. All currently allowed actions, including declarations of war, are allowed during double leap-years. * The W-graffiti screen saver protocol has been implemented. Watch with joy as things like WWSRN, DWESHI, and the College Repwublicans dance across your screen. //Time// The rabble was fairly unpathetic, which is particularly impressive considering that they had only my Timely appearance to inspire them. ( -t) Come to think of it, they didn't even have Time to be pathetic with me around. ( -t) There was a cou... Attention! The ProtoNeoRetroRevolutionary Council of Ex-Presidents has seized control of this SWILMeeting. The noble President is unfortunately deathly ill. (Hey, I feel fine! Wait a minute, this sounds like a cou -t) (Those are the sounds I make when being gagged, apparent -t) We have stepped in to take his place. Time will remain nominal meeting leader, but as our puppet. Thank you for your cooperation. There was not enough paper. (But there was plenty of me to go around! -t) An aggressive act has been committed against our sovereignty: Why-War? has stolen our precious W! We must respond to their actions in kind. Senator Abby-Abby, you have the floor: "Dellow felegates, I propose that we give Time supreme executive powers in this time of crisis!" (Can they be discretionary, too? Can I execute with extreme prejudice? Can I? Can I? Pleeease??? -t) Thank you Senator. Senator ~Elliot, do you have an addendum? "I propose a vote of no-confidence in Jim!" And I use my supreme executive powers over Time (That's me! -t) to declare that ~Elliot does not exist. Senator JimCarthy? "I have here the names of 53 anti-W non-members! Shall I begin reading them?" Who needs Ws when I can simply rename SWIL to SIL? We don't have Time to go on a witch hunt... (I'm not a witch! -t) I understand the objections that we will eventually lose all of our letters, but I assure you that SIL is resolute in this matter. (Do you mean the Swarthmore Illiterate Lemmings? -j) (There will be no GNU-style acronyms! -t) Thwpp! Amy' appears out of practically nowhere (Let it be shown that the door goes nowhere. -t). Gold strikes from beyond the grave! (I thought she was dead! Only I may violate the laws of Time and space! -t) (On second thought, I shouldn't violate my own laws... -t) (But I could just change them to suit my fancy! Exxxcellent... -t) As penance for her disregard for Death, Sam has suggested that the attendance list be written on Amy''s body. So let it be written, so let it be done. With the Doubletree Pen - now with lesbian symbol! Come to the SWIL Root Beer Kegger! Or rather, the *SWIL* root *Beer* *Kegger*. (I think given the current situation, the SIL Root Beer Kegger would be more appropriate... -t) Come see SWIL... in... Space!!! ~Elliot's extremely valuable SWIL shirt will be available for auction at the Kegger. You can buy replacement SIL shirts at the Kegger as well. All proceeds go to me! (MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! -t) Beware the invisible puma! (I am the invisible puma... of Time! -t) As part of my supreme executive powers, I declare myself Dictator-for-Life. Senator Abby-Abby is fine with this proposal, as long as I refer to myself as 6-Month-Dictator-for-Life. (Hey... wait a minute... -t) (A minute of Time would be one sixtieth of a degree... so about one 21600th of Nick. -t) ( -t) Arthur wants to kill Time, but since that would cause the inconvenient end of the universe, I'm afraid that that will be stricken from the record. Jim tells a court stenographer joke: "Read me back the last thing that was said." "'Read me back the last thing that was said.'" "No, the last thing that was said by someone other than me!" "'Read me back the last thing that was said.'" Next week there will be a meeting of the Sub-committee for SWIL Non-membership Evil Plots. Greg foolishly suggested that Time be decreased. Jim contributed by attempting to convolve himself with respect to me, but this just resulted in a step function. Silly Jim, integrals are for kids! (Both of them were decreased for their trouble. -t) Since the deadline of the Why-War? Ultimatum is only 4 days away on February 30th, assuming a double leap-year, we will shortly have to prop War. (This year is a double leap year. I just feel like it, all right? -t) The S_IL board needs a replacement W. Omega is the logical choice, but using an upper-case omega would make it look like SOIL. Instead, we will give Ws to everyone, such as the College Repwublicans, Dweshi, and WWSRN. Although we could steal Ws from the WWF, (Weren't they sued by the World Wildlife Fund? -t) (There aren't that many Governors of Minnesota... -t) we will instead make new Ws out of cardboard and graffiti Parrish with them. //War// The Rabblum was fairly unpathetic, because only the Aetas Hora Legion (what did we just call Nick? -w) was there to cow them (moo! -r). The other legions, Mors Mortis and Exitium Belli, were off subduing the wild Keggeri tribes of Media. (Then why couldn't they make it to SWILmede-ing on time? -w) ( -w) (No, there's only one of me to -w) ( -w) (Yes, I did smack'em -w) ( -w) (Yes, I am the Smacka! -w) (-w), who stabbed him a number of times and seized control of this SWILMeeting. Fortunately, the commanders of Mors Mortis and Exitium Belli were still very much alive, although they took a while finding the village of the Keggeri chief, known as DeeJayus Soundandlightianus. Pirates in the Mediterranean interrupted shipments from Aegyptus, so we ran out of papyrus (Are these flying pirates? -w) (No, why? -w) (Because if they were, they'd be High-Arrr! and we could send Pompey to get our Ws back -w) Speaking of airborne pirates, a band of them did attack, and there was no Time to stop them from stealing the W from the SWILboard. Senator Abbius Vir Liberus resurrected the commander of Aetas Hora and proposed that he be made Dictator-for-life for 6 months (By then, Mors Mortis will be back and can kill him -w) (Mors the pity -w) (-w) With the loss of the W, SWIL became SIL (although if we named us SAIL -Sarthmore Arders of Imaginative Literature- we could use the sail to build a ship and go get more papyrus -w) (I think SIL is lacking in martial Arder and probably would fail -w) (-W) (We'll just have to try Arder -w) (-w) With Death away commanding the Mors Mortis legion, all sorts of people are coming back to life. Gold returned (now we can bribe Hy Ar to give us the Ws back -w), violating the laws of Time and Space (and also Death -w) (I didn't know we had a president named Space -w) The attendance list was then carved onto golden tablets with a stylus specifically brought from the island of Lesbos (Which is the source of great carving implements...why? -w) (Heh, he just said "why -war" -w) (-w) An invisible puma attacked SIL, who were helpless because they couldn't make War on it with War off commanding the Exitium Belli legion, which was at that moment waiting in line with Mors Mortis for the chance to capture some servants of Deejayus Soundandlightianus. Jim regaled the Senate with a long and pointless joke about a Court scribe: "Read me back the last thing that was said." "'Read me back the last thing that was said.'" "No, the last thing that was said by someone other than me!" "'Read me back the last thing that was said.'" Greg foolishly suggested that Time be decreased. (While we're ironing out a few things... -w) (-w) Jim contributed by attempting to convolve himself with respect to the undead commander of the Aetas Hora, but this just resulted in a step function. Since the Romans didn't have that kind of math, everyone involved vanished in a blinding poof of anachronism! News was recieved that the commander of the Exitium Belli had fallen in battle. That's the only explanation for why it was decided that he had to be propped. Fortunately, we have until February 30th to do so. Aetas Hora, with his Dictatorial undead powers, declared this to be a double-leap year (That means we have to hop twice when he says toad? -w) (We will NOT bring bad Wheel of Time idiom into this. -w) /***********/ /* Lottery */ /***********/ //Death// Special Release Activities: To commemorate this momentous release, a special drawing was held. Rachel was given a commemorative entry in the commemorative lottery drawing for winning last week's contest. ~Elliot's prize for winning the lottery shall be presented by Death. (Or presented to be Death. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! -d) //Time// The lottery prizes were currently elsewhere, (It's Death's and War's fault, I swear! -t) so Time emptied his pockets. (What has he gots in his pocketses? -t) Unfortunately, he has nothing. Rachel was also entered in the lottery, even though she showed up late, because she got the most correct answers on last week's standardized test. The correct answer was intended to be "Come to the Root Beer Kegger!" but do to typographical idiocy on the part of a certain co-president, ( Time! -t) (Yes, I admit it, it was me! -t) (So the truth finally comes out... -t) the answers ended up being "Come to the Root Beer Kekger!". (What's a kekger? -t) (Ha-hah. -t) ~Elliot won again, and was immediately accused of lottery tampering. He will be awarded his prize as soon as Death arrives. With the prizes. (Don't worry, the prizes aren't dead, only Death is! -t) ( -t) I can assure you that ~Elliot did not bribe Time in any way! //War// On their way from Aegyptus, the lottery prizes were delayed by pirates. It really was the responsibility of Mors Mortis and Exitium Belli, but at this point they had captured the Keggeri and were on their way back. We went to the Sybilline Oracle who declared that Rachel, having successfully divined the most answers to her prophecy of last week, deserved to be part of the lottery, even though the prophecy was wrong, predicting some sort of Root Beer Kekger. The God inspired the oracle to grant the prize to ~Elliot, although he may have tampered with the results. He won the right to take part in the triumph awarded the Mors Mortis legion for bringing back the Keggeri prisoners. /********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness */ /********************/ //Death// Other things to mark the release of this important software include: * The hunt committee will be meeting to have a meeting after meeting this week after meeting. ( -d) * Storyreading * Watch "Lost in La Mancha" We writing the readme.1st file have no idea what the promotions department is up to. //War// At this point, the Mors Mortis and Exitium Belli legions returned victorious, with many Keggeri prisoners and the eldest son of Deejayus Soundandlightianus as a hostage (Never mind that we had to pay a $700 deposit for him -w) (Ahh, the costs of War -w) ( -w). To celebrate, SIL is holding a tournament. Contestants will be thrown to the wild beasts in a colosseum set up on Upper Campus sometime in April. The Hunt Committee will meet after next meeting to discuss this. /*******************/ /* Attendance List */ /*******************/ //The Attendance List of Time's Ultimate Power// Jim "dignified and stately, dignified and ... oh, pass those deely bobbers" Moskowitz benjamin "they don't make coups like they used to" r, george (Whine, whine. Just because you didn't get to test the improved management tools... -d) (I'll say, I was able to fend you off with a spoon! -t) ~Samantha "People's Revolutionary Front" Crane Abby "Frog tastes like chicken" Friedman Arthur "engineered airborne brain-altering virus" Chu Ben "* "~Elliot Reed Nick's Mom, Martha _ard Dopey "nine out of ten frame salesmen on death row prefer the look of cat deodorant to octopus shampoo, say the experts" Galoshes Chris"don'texpectthistobeahabitoranything"White John "Card carrying former member of SWIL" Finkbiner Amy' "wokka wokka wokka" Marinello Kyra "No more spiritual crises, no more Celtic tribes" Jucovy (you mean groups of basketball fans in Boston are disintegrating? -d)( -d) Anna "I am in lunacy" Lee (the anna in the moon? -d) ( -d) Rachel "Through hell and high water...well, not really hell" Sapiro (Through purgatory and high water? -t) Jillian "Stupid illiterate SWIL president(s) can't read Russian" Waldman Greg "Contract killing for Fun and Profit" Robinson (The fun list put out a contract on someone? -d) Ninjas - the _Real_ Ultimate Power David "I am upside-down!" Benitez (Not in ASCII you're not -d) M. Jawaad "Shorter meetings!!!" Hussain Qian "Qian! 9th Symphony" Qian * This footnote has a petit(e) ami(e) " Newman MARK "WET" HANDLER BDan "not it" Fairchild Nick "I am I, Don Quixote" Ward JC "Tyrian Lannister" Ravage /***************************/ /* Corrections/Retractions */ /***************************/ //Death// In one correction from previous builds of the SWILNews software, the math co-engine has been corrected to correctly answer 2 + 2 = 3 for certain large values of 3. //Time// Although I was not actually wrong before, I have now decided that 2 + 2 should be equal to 3, since 3 is my favorite number. In fact, I am 3. All hail 3, sum of 2 and 2! //War// We apologize in advance for our butchering of Latin. II + II is, in fact, III, for extremely large values of III /******************/ /* Smacking Stats */ /******************/ //This Week// Since everyone knows a president can't actually himself, statistics for this week are null and void. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Time is running out. ( -t) //Spring '03// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_13|_12|_25| _t_|_17|_X_|_13|_30| _w_|_12|_10|_X_|_22| tot|_29|_23|_25|_77| Most Smacks: Time Most Smacked: Death /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ Bringing you egomaniacal Latin software since the beginning of time ( -d), The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and The Ravage of War.