/***************/ /* SWILNews #4 */ /***************/ //Use Only a No. 2 Pencil on SWILNews #4 Exam// /*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ 1) Kegger, Kegger, and more Kegger!! 10pm-2am Saturday in Paces. Come and drink lots of root beer and see our cool space-themed decorations! 2) Come early to the Kegger to help set up decorations. Stay late and help clean up. 3) People with cars should "volunteer" them. Especially on Saturday to pick up kegs and sound equipment. 4) There will be no Game of the Week this Saturday, but there may be gaming at the Kegger (in Essie Mae's). 5) Movie Next Monday (2-24): The Manchurian Candidate 6) SWIL is in the Phoenix! The Why-War letter got published: [http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/phoenix/2003/2003-02-20/opinions/12697.php] There have been requests for fewer comments in SWILNews. (Hah! Wimps! -w) Courtesy of a Very Small Perl Script(TM), we now present the Commentless SWILNews. All of this semester's SWILNewsii, including the Commentless Versions, are available online at [http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Spring03/index.html]. /************************/ /* Part I: SWILBusiness */ /************************/ You will have 25 rods to complete this section. Do not turn to the next page until instructed to do so. (By the little voices in your head. -w) Violators will be prosecuted. 1) The news of what former president's death (I'm still president! -d) was relayed at the beginning of meeting? a) Dagger. b) Ignore. c) Gold. d) Death. (Death is dead? -w) (Am not! -d) 2) Consider the answer to question I.1. How did Abby respond? l) She screamed loudly. m) She attempted to call said former president on her cell phone. n) She killed herself with a spoon. o) All of the above. 3) After the events in I.2, what happened to Abby? m) She became undead, but was subdued by spoons. o) She turned into a newt. r) She threw the cell phone across the room. k) She revealed that she was the dead president. 4) What is happening this Saturday? e) The annual SWIL Root Beer Kegger (It'll be a kegg party! -w) (There's no such thing as a 'kegg'. -t) g) There will be an open smacking session with the presidents. g) There will be an open thoking session with the presidents. s) SWILNews #3 will detonate his nuclear snowball one week early. 5) What should people do to prepare for the event mentioned in I.4? n) They should build their own thok sticks. e) They should duck and cover. (Would you like to buy a duck and cover? -w) (Does it quack and cover? -d) (What color is the cover? I want to make sure it matches my other accessories. -t) (Haven't we already done this SWILNews? -d) (Doesn't mean we can't go back in time... -t) ( -d) (That took a long time for the first . -d) w) PANIC!!! t) Follow the instructions covered in the section "This Week in SWIL". (But won't that involve turning to another section? -d) (Yes, but that's just a risk they'll have to take. -t) 6) How should Spam(TM)(R)(C) be destroyed? b) Nuclear snowball. o) Root beer. t) Act of God. s) Act of War. (You sunk my battleship! -t) (I'm not touching that thing! It's made of Spam! -w) (You own a battleship made of Spam? -d) (Yes, I call it the Spam-marck! -t) (Wait, what are you doing to Death? -w) (I'll keel you for that! -d) ( -w) 7) What is SWIL's secret agent designation? s) 00-Pi t) Lethal Weapon V a) Slightly Annoying Tool of Destruction VI b) Men in Purple (I think that's an entirely different occupation... -t) (Being ~Elliot? -d) (No, being a Flying Purple People Eater! -t) 8) Which of these things should you NOT do? h) Throw a nuclear snowball at Al Bloom y) Submit to BEM by February 28th. a) Nominate books, you stupid illiterate people! (If they're stupid and illiterate, why are they taking this exam? -t) (Isn't the exam stupid and illiterate too? -d) r) Come to the Root Beer Kegger on Saturday. 9) What occurred at 7pm in Parlors on Saturday the 15th of February, 2003? r) SWILMeeting. e) A Storyreading. a) SWILGaming. d) Candy Tasting. (Mmm... candy... -t) (Not that candy! The peaches... the peaches!!!! -d) 10) Doublestar:Arthur:: ...? m) Death:Time (What is that implying? -d) (I'm A. Chu! -t) (I'm d star! -d) a) Female:Male (Wouldn't be so sure about that one... -w) (That's not very nice! -d) (It's perfectly reasonable. -w) ( -t) w) Michael Jackson:Pterodactyl (Okay... what's this implying? -w) (Well, one lost his nose, one lost his heart! -t) r) She-Ra:Fed (We should comment on this so it doesn't look alone. -t) (Exactly. -d) (But what if Arthur isn't hungry? -w) (Hungry, or lonely? -d) (Well it does say he's fed... -w) ( -d) 11) What was Time forced to do while hypnotized? o) Quack like a duck. (Would you like to buy a quack? -t) (Does it duck? -w) (Only when you throw medical malpractice suits at it. -d) ( -t) (Where do you get those? At Bad Will? -w) (No, at Med's Warehouse! -t) ( -w) g) Sdrawkcab og. r) Sit through 15 showings of the Star Wars Holiday Special. (AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! -t) (No, not the Wookie movie! -w) (I wasn't talking about Wookies, I meant the giant Eye of Sauron that just appeared on my desktop. -t) (A laptop is a dangerous tool... not all of them have been accounted for. -w) ( -t) (Day 28: Laptop great. Better than cable. -s) e) Take all of the copies of "Ogre, Ogre" home. (Actually, "Ogre, Ogre" wasn't really that bad, for a Piers Anthony book... -w) (Would you read it ogre and ogre again? -d) (Ogre my dead body! -w) ( -t) (This joke is so ogre... -d) ( -t) STOP. Do not advance to the next section until instructed to do so. (You didn't say Simon Says! -t) (Simon Says: -d) /********************/ /* Part II: Lottery */ /********************/ Your answers in this section should be determined by a random heuristic. Former presidents are not allowed in this section. 1) Who won the Lottery? g) Shirley Jackson (Shudder... -t) (Shirley you must be joking? -d) (Eh, he's just stoned. -w) ( -t) o) ~Elliot r) Al Bloom e) Steve Irwin (Croikey! -c) 2) What did the answer to II.1 win? l) A duck. u) A quack. t) A wooden car. e) A Ring of Power. (Is that like a Power Shovel? -t) (Only if you can use a Ring of Power to clear your driveway. -d) (I suppose if your driveway is swarming with orcs... -t) (Or a Balrog. -w) (No one ever expects the Spanish Balrog! -d) (Dios mio! Es un diablo de sombra y fuego! -t) 3) What does the answer to II.2 do? o) Smiles innocently. b) Goes 0-60 in 0.1 seconds, assuming you use a rail gun. o) Quacks. e) Ducks. STOP. Do not advance to the next section until instructed to do so. /******************************/ /* Part III: Non-SWILBusiness */ /******************************/ 1) What was the last word of the person who died in Question I.1? b) Death! (That's him! -w) l) Time! (That's me! -t) u) War! (That's you! -d) e) Thwwp! (Thwwp! -dtw) 2) What swept over the meeting? f) Kindness. e) Darkness. a) Purpleness. r) Cheeseness. 3) What is Jawaad? s) A witch! (A duck! -w) c) A very small stone. r) An old white man. y) Wood. (A rail gun! -t) (Churches! -d) 4) What kills, but not enough? k) Stupidity. i) Winter. l) Death. (Nonsense! I haven't missed my quota in years! -d) l) Stripes. (Only if they're orange and purple... -t) (Death by fashion faux pas? It's my new clothing line! -d) ( -t) 5) The Darwin Awards need what? h) Sushi. e) A bigger prize. a) Brains! (When do we want them? -t) (Braaaains... -dw) d) Hordes of orcs. 6) What movie should we go see? k) Daredevil. i) My Big Fat SWIL Wedding. n) SWIL to the Future. (Parts I, II, and III, of course! -t) g) I Know What You Did Last SWIL. (Yeah, we saved the world from SWILNews #3! -t) 7) Let Jim = u(t). What might he grow up to be? t) Conjunction Junction. (What's your function? -t) o) Delta Upsilon. r) Delta Force. g) Delta Function. (All hail King Torg! -dtw) 8) How long has Noda been dead? p) He got better! i) As long as Prime has been out of Willets. n) 14 seconds. e) Since yesterday, where yesterday = Friday. (For some values of Friday. -t) 9) How many days after Levar Burton's birthday does baseball season begin? r) 39. a) 40. t) 41. s) 42. (Captain, you'd better come down here. It's a very hard question. -lb) 10) What kind of vampire is John? ?) Blood. (Ewwww... -dtw) !) Lymph. (Ewwww... -dtw) &) Salt. (Ewwww... -dtw) %) Trees. (Huh?? -dtw) You have now completed this sections. Proceed to the bonus question immediately. Do not go back to check your work. (Do not pass Go, do not collect $200! -t) Bonus) With what was the meeting called to order? a) It's Id. b) A Rube Goldberg device involving numerous artichokes. c) Abby's cell phone. d) Giant mutant squid. /*******************/ /* Attendance List */ /*******************/ //The Attendance List of Horrible Unspeakable Evils... and Cheese// Jim "I see the attendance list has started accepting pop-up adds to support itself. Can't _wait_ for SWILnews..." Moskowitz Rebecca "salt vs. sugar" Kuipers (Sugar, Sugar, Salt Salt Salt!! -w) Michael "Cult Prostitution Union of Asherah Local 170" Noda M. Jawaad "Techno! Techo!" Hussain (What's "Techo"? -t) Qian "private... private... private... private..." Qian Abby "'Prime! No! I cannot live without her! Blooood! No! Back fell spoon! I'm buuuuurning!' in 5 minutes or less" Friedman Dopey "DILUTE INNOCENCE" Galoshes (Was that an imperative, or an adjective? -w) (I don't know, but I told you that name would stick. -t) (Do you suppose innocence is water soluble? -w) (Depends if it's protected by galoshes or not. -d) ( -t) Pop-Up "The Amazing X-10 Camera, Now Only $39.95" Ad (Eat that, Jim! -t) Rachel "It snew last night!" Sapiro (All four directions? A good night! -d) ( -w) Ben "horrible unspeakable evils? cheese? what's the difference?" Newman David A. Benitez "is finally here!" * BDan "sharp as a beverage" Fairchild (I hope he doesn't mean sharp cheddar... -t) (That's not a very nice thing to say about Sidney! -d) ~Elliot "Institute for International Economics" Reed Jillian "It chez last night!" Waldman Kelsey "Jillian can't spell 'chez'!" Hollenback (Hey, she just did! -w) Ben "Mornin' Gromit, time for walkies!" Mitchell JC "Durendal Lord Roland" Ravage Nick "If it weren't E-Z, we wouldn't have been meant to eat it at every meal" Ward Elliot's Love-child Ear "Fuzzy" Muffs Greg "Cross to the other side" Robinson (Where are the Doors? -d) (No, that's "break on through"! -w) (I knew that, you didn't need to break the news to me! -d) ( -w) (Jim Morrison is dead! Dead I tells ya! -t) (You're welcome! -d) "HyperText" Mark "Up Language" Handler (That's an actual CS thing in Java... the HTML Handler. -t) (Go me! -d) * Donate to the David A. Benitez Gigundo Space Death Laser Fund! (BGSDLF? -w) /***************************/ /* Corrections/Retractions */ /***************************/ Amy' wants a blub, not a blurb. Last week's correction was incorrect: 2 + 2 really is 5. /******************/ /* Smacking Stats */ /******************/ //This Week// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_2_|_1_|_3_| _t_|_5_|_X_|_4_|_9_| _w_|_3_|_1_|_X_|_4_| tot|_8_|_3_|_5_|_16| (rows: smacker; columns: smackee -t) Most Smacks: Time (Woo-hoo! Most smacks *and* least smacked! -t) Most Smacked: Death //Spring '03// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_13|_12|_25| _t_|_17|_X_|_13|_30| _w_|_12|_10|_X_|_22| tot|_29|_23|_25|_77| Most Smacks: Time (Woo-hoo! Most smacks *and* least smacked! -t) Most Smacked: Death /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ Bonus) Who was not a guest in this SWILNews? s) Saruman the White. c) Steve Irwin: Crocodile Hunter. a) Alex Trebek. n) Levar Burton. Thank you for taking your SWIL DTWs. Results should be e-mailed to [presidents @ swil.org]. Most correct answers earns an automatic entry in this week's lottery. You or a certified proxy must be present to claim your prize. All entries must be received by Friday at midnight. Putting the fun back in examinafuns, The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and The Ravage of War