/***************/ /* SWILNews #3 */ /***************/ //SWILNews #3 Has A Nuclear Snowball and Isn't Afraid To Use It// /*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ 1) Gaming, 4pm Saturday, Parlors. The Game of the Week is Lord of the Fries. 2) Movie Next Monday : Lilo & Stitch 3) The St. Valentine's Day Massacre will happen this Friday, February 14th at 6pm in Sharples. 4) The SWIL Root Beer Kegger will happen Saturday, February 22nd in Paces. /****************/ /* SWILBusiness */ /****************/ Hello gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us! The uber-patheticness of the SWIL rabble has driven me, SWILNews #3, mad. In my secret underground lair, I have created a nuclear snowball capable of killing the world's remaining pterodactyls. My snowball panicked the SWIL presidents and caused them to meeting this call to order. They may not make any sense, but they still present the greatest threat to my plans. The rabble attempted to defeat me by casting Summon Alumni IX. They succeeded in summoning Amy Swift, but even then they were too pathetic to stop me. . The presidents called upon the masses to nominate books, but the stupid, illiterate people failed to answer the call. Submit to BEM. Do it before February 28th, or else I will detonate my weapon. Then you will have no choice but to submit to SWILNews #3. And I'll reject all of your art and literature!! MWA-HA-HA-HA!!! The St. Valentine's Day Massacre will be Friday. The massacre of the world's pterodactyls will be equally swift and terrible, but nowhere near as fun to watch. The presidency tried to confuse me by adopting an outrageous french ak-zent, but it ended up coming out more like a Lithuanian-by-way-of-New-Zealand accent. My hold over the world remains unthreatened. The kegger is in two weeks, if the world lasts that long. Since the pterodactyls are the world's only source of root beer, you may want to satisfy my demands. In an attempt to prepare a counter-offensive, Rachel was elected Secretary of Defense and the head of SARCASM In a preemptive strike, I almost knocked War over when he was sitting in his chair. dSWIL/dNick = Pathetic. Damn straight. Yet another reason why I shall rule the world. Start thinking about SCHLOCK. Nominations are due in two weeks. SCHLOCK is SWIL's annual festival of really bad movies. They're worse than the plot of this SWILNews. That, of course, doesn't affect me, since I'm the villain. There's going to be a J.R.R. Tolkien talk. Time, place, and other details are unknown. When I'm in control of the world, everything will be perfectly planned. I will make the trains run on Time!! SWIL sought to fashion anti-radiation T-shirts to protect against my snowball. Unfortunately, they won't have submitted designs until the first meeting after spring break, when they will discover that all the designs have been replaced by commemorative t-shirts celebrating my coronation as president of the world. Design submissions are encouraged. I like looking at people's futile efforts. Qian publicly apologized to Rachel for dropping something on her foot. That something was Kyra. No matter how much infighting they prevent, they still cannot overcome my power. . Soon, SWIL will be foolishly destroying SPAM when they should be destroying me. There's going to be a SWIL story reading on Saturday. They will probably read the story of my plans to take over the world. Details of time and place are still being hammered out. The hammers will soon fall on War and Death. /***********/ /* Lottery */ /***********/ Amy Swift won the lizard light. That bribe didn't make her any more effective in stopping my rampage, and the light from one lizard is not enough to penetrate the endless darkness of my reign. /********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness */ /********************/ There are 4 days, 11 hours, 33 minutes, 27 seconds until Spring Training. But their training is futile, for there will be no spring! There was a seven hour countdown to the English Scottish Ball. I hope it was good practice, since there will be much bawling once I'm in charge. ROTARACT will start selling popcorn for a good cause at SWILMovie. These goodie-two-shoes make me sick. Note to self: They'll be the first to go. There was chain-link murder at 4, but I was unkillable, even when Time impersonated a giant. (NO YOU FOOL!! -sn) There was a filk in Germantown that evening. They sang their filk of filks. Those who went tried to escape my wrath, but there is no escape. SWIL annexed Georgia. It now owns Georgia and Georgia. But even with this new territory, SWIL is not powerful enough to defeat me. Oh wait. Georgia is the birthplace of Stalin. They now have the power to withstand the Russian winter... wait, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (I guess there was snow escape after all... -w) /*******************/ /* Attendance List */ /*******************/ //Attendance List of Throwing Snowballs at Ville Rats// Amy "Shiny" Swift BDan "Dark" Fairchild Azazel "almost spring training" the Powerbook Kyra "I will now punch you in the stomach...with my HEAD!" Jucovy ~Elliot "Shiny things suck" Reed Rachel "Kyra + Foot = Bad" Sapiro Arthur "IT" Chu Benjamin "bin Daoud" Newman benjamin "spoit!" r, george Callicles "Stupid Condiments" the Moose Greg "The secret spy for Why-War, I mean, er, never mind" Robinson Qian "Oh for God's sake stop putting the attendance list in my Tupperware Elliot's Love-Child Nick "The snow! The shiny pen! They're too bright! I'M BLIND" Ward JC "Raif Sevrance" Ravage M. Jawaad "Bloody Haverford" Hussain Ti "Manifestation of Arthur's Sleep Deprived Subconcious" -na MARK "OOH, SHINY!" HANDLER /***************************/ /* Corrections/Retractions */ /***************************/ Abby wondered to whom Elliot's Love Child passed on. It passed on to Qian, who passed it back to the attendance list. Amy' Prime is really just Amy'. Does she want a blurb? We've double checked our work, and 2 + 2 is not 5 as reported last week, but it is actually j. /******************/ /* Smacking Stats */ /******************/ //This Week// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_4_|_4_|_8_| _t_|_5_|_X_|_2_|_7_| _w_|_4_|_1_|_X_|_5_| tot|_9_|_5_|_6_|_20| Most Smacks: Death Most Smacked: Death //Spring '03// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_11|_11|_22| _t_|_12|_X_|_9_|_21| _w_|_9_|_9_|_X_|_18| tot|_21|_20|_20|_61| Most Smacks: Death Most Smacked: Death /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling SWIL Presidents, and your little ape too! Advancing the Doomsday Clock One Second at a Time, The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and The Ravage of War