/***************/ /* SWILNews #3 */ /***************/ //SWILNews #3 Has A Nuclear Snowball and Isn't Afraid To Use It// /*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ 1) Gaming, 4pm Saturday, Parlors. The Game of the Week is Lord of the Fries. 2) Movie Next Monday (2-17): Lilo & Stitch 3) The St. Valentine's Day Massacre will happen this Friday, February 14th at 6pm in Sharples. 4) The SWIL Root Beer Kegger will happen Saturday, February 22nd in Paces. /****************/ /* SWILBusiness */ /****************/ Hello gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us! The uber-patheticness of the SWIL rabble has driven me, SWILNews #3, mad. In my secret underground lair, I have created a nuclear snowball capable of killing the world's remaining pterodactyls. (Do they make radiation suits with wings? -w) (No. The 'dactyls will just have to wing it. -d) ( -t) My snowball panicked the SWIL presidents and caused them to meeting this call to order. They may not make any sense, but they still present the greatest threat to my plans. The rabble attempted to defeat me by casting Summon Alumni IX. They succeeded in summoning Amy Swift, but even then they were too pathetic to stop me. (Maybe she'll slow it down some. -w) ( -d). The presidents called upon the masses to nominate books, but the stupid, illiterate people failed to answer the call. (Alright, that failed. -w) (I've got it: we travel back in time and capture SWILNews #3 before he can get his hands on that nuclear snowball! -t) (Can we kill him too? You aren't the only one who gets to make easy references to his title... -d) (I think my uncle has a weather-changing machine in his attic. -w) (Yes, let's inconvenience him with a slight drizzle. -t) (What would that do? -d) (He might catch Cold. -t) (NOOOO!! Not the secret fourth president! That's a horrible idea! -d) Submit to BEM. Do it before February 28th, or else I will detonate my weapon. Then you will have no choice but to submit to SWILNews #3. And I'll reject all of your art and literature!! MWA-HA-HA-HA!!! (Wow. He's so melodramatic. -t) (How will we ever stop him? -d) (It's kinda neat not having to say anything when writing SWILNews, but just typing it... if only it were easy to right this SWILNews gone horribly evil. -d) (If he could be turned... he would become a powerful ally. -t) (Wow! I got away with one back there. -d) ( -t) (You wrote this SWILNews? You're braver than I thought. -w) (Blame Death this Time! -t) The St. Valentine's Day Massacre will be Friday. The massacre of the world's pterodactyls will be equally swift and terrible, but nowhere near as fun to watch. (I thought Amy was on our side. -w) ( -d) (Never trrrust an alum, ah say! Toss me! -t) (You render an accent like that in text? -d) (Never go in against an alum when Death is on the line. -w) (Wait, Death was on the last line... -t) ( -d) (I thought death was on the keyboard. -w) (Actually, I'm playing guitar. -d) ( I'm trying to dominate the world here! -sn) The presidency tried to confuse me by adopting an outrageous french ak-zent, but it ended up coming out more like a Lithuanian-by-way-of-New-Zealand accent. My hold over the world remains unthreatened. The kegger is in two weeks, if the world lasts that long. Since the pterodactyls are the world's only source of root beer, you may want to satisfy my demands. (What are his demands? -w) (Why, he wants the rabble to be non-pathetic. -d) (We're screwed! -w) (Oh, that's not for another three weeks. I should know. -t) ( -d) However, you can help make decorations ahead of Time. (Only if he doesn't arrive there first... -w) ( -t) In an attempt to prepare a counter-offensive, Rachel was elected Secretary of Defense and the head of SARCASM (SWIL Acronym and Response Committee for the Advancement of Secret Machinations). (Acronyms within acronyms, the world HAS gone mad! -t) (Excellent... -sn) SARCASM prepared a letter to send to the Phoenix regarding Why-War. But two wars don't make a right. (As if it weren't bad enough that SWILNews is trying to take over the world, it's making bad puns too! -d) In a preemptive strike, I almost knocked War over when he was sitting in his chair. (There should be something funny we can say about that. -w) (Tig! -t) (o...k... -d) (I think saying "Tig!" is funny... -t) dSWIL/dNick = Pathetic. Damn straight. Yet another reason why I shall rule the world. (It's a shame. Nick is such an integral part of our team. -w) ( + C. -d) ( -t) (Why does the SWILNews always do that grasping thing with his hand when he laughs maniacally? -t) (SWILNews has hands? -d) (Well, how else is he going to throw the nuclear snowball? -t) (We'll never hand over control to him! -d) ( -w) Start thinking about SCHLOCK. Nominations are due in two weeks. SCHLOCK is SWIL's annual festival of really bad movies. They're worse than the plot of this SWILNews. That, of course, doesn't affect me, since I'm the villain. (We'll have to show him the wookie movie. -w) (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!! -t) (Note: At this time Time ran out. -dw) There's going to be a J.R.R. Tolkien talk. Time, place, and other details are unknown. When I'm in control of the world, everything will be perfectly planned. I will make the trains run on Time!! (This is what happens when Time runs out -w) ( -d) SWIL sought to fashion anti-radiation T-shirts to protect against my snowball. Unfortunately, they won't have submitted designs until the first meeting after spring break, when they will discover that all the designs have been replaced by commemorative t-shirts celebrating my coronation as president of the world. Design submissions are encouraged. I like looking at people's futile efforts. Qian publicly apologized to Rachel for dropping something on her foot. That something was Kyra. No matter how much infighting they prevent, they still cannot overcome my power. (At this time we found that we still had Time. -dw) (Sorry. I was captured by some of the SWILNews's snowman militia. -t) (That's okay, snow problem. -w) ( -t) (I told you not to go out into snow man's land! -d) ( -w). Soon, SWIL will be foolishly destroying SPAM when they should be destroying me. (That's very cute. -t) (Are you talking about destroying SPAM or the little kid running by? -d) (Maybe we can use the little kid running by to destroy SPAM? -w) (I was referring to destroying SPAM with cute widdle bunnies. -t) (And that's relevant HOW? -d) There's going to be a SWIL story reading on Saturday. They will probably read the story of my plans to take over the world. Details of time and place are still being hammered out. The hammers will soon fall on War and Death. (What about me? -t) ( -sn) /***********/ /* Lottery */ /***********/ Amy Swift won the lizard light. That bribe didn't make her any more effective in stopping my rampage, and the light from one lizard is not enough to penetrate the endless darkness of my reign. (I thought he was using snow! -w) (I hope the snow's not dark. -t) (Better than yellow. -d) ( -t) /********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness */ /********************/ There are 4 days, 11 hours, 33 minutes, 27 seconds until Spring Training. But their training is futile, for there will be no spring! (There will be no spring for men! -w) (Can they at least have a slinky? -t) ( -d) There was a seven hour countdown to the English Scottish Ball. I hope it was good practice, since there will be much bawling once I'm in charge. ( -dtw) (Ow! -sn) (Wow. The SWILNews can make its own puns. The farce is strong with this one. -t) ( -w) (Y'all missed it. He said "Ow!". He's vulnerable to being smacked! If we have him make terrible puns for the rest of the time, we may be able to him to Death! -d) (There's not much Time left. -w) (But the War is not over... -d) (But all we have are his feet! -w) (Whose? -d) ROTARACT will start selling popcorn for a good cause at SWILMovie. These goodie-two-shoes make me sick. Note to self: They'll be the first to go. There was chain-link murder at 4, but I was unkillable, even when Time impersonated a giant. (Can he do it again to battle SWILNews? -d) (NO YOU FOOL!! -sn) There was a filk in Germantown that evening. They sang their filk of filks. Those who went tried to escape my wrath, but there is no escape. (Yeah, and the puns were just as bad. -d) (Yes there is, it's to the left of F1. -t) (No, that's just Esc! -d) (We need an ape... -t) (Oooh-ee-ah-ah-ah! -a) ( -w) SWIL annexed Georgia. It now owns Georgia and Georgia. But even with this new territory, SWIL is not powerful enough to defeat me. Oh wait. Georgia is the birthplace of Stalin. They now have the power to withstand the Russian winter... wait, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (I guess there was snow escape after all... -w) (OH MY GOD! -d) ( -t) /*******************/ /* Attendance List */ /*******************/ //Attendance List of Throwing Snowballs at Ville Rats// Amy "Shiny" Swift BDan "Dark" Fairchild Azazel "almost spring training" the Powerbook Kyra "I will now punch you in the stomach...with my HEAD!" Jucovy ~Elliot "Shiny things suck" Reed (No, vacuums suck. Shiny things shine -t) Rachel "Kyra + Foot = Bad" Sapiro Arthur "IT" Chu (Bless you! -w) Benjamin "bin Daoud" Newman benjamin "spoit!" r, george Callicles "Stupid Condiments" the Moose (What if mousse is used as a condiment -d) Greg "The secret spy for Why-War, I mean, er, never mind" Robinson Qian "Oh for God's sake stop putting the attendance list in my Tupperware(TM) Qian (AAAH!! Microsoft Word corrects tupperware to Tupperware. SWILNews has sold out! -t) (At least there are no cockroaches... -w) Elliot's Love-Child Nick "The snow! The shiny pen! They're too bright! I'M BLIND" Ward (It's okay, it's just from when you were captured by the snow militia. -w) (It's snow big deal. -d) ( -w) JC "Raif Sevrance" Ravage M. Jawaad "Bloody Haverford" Hussain (It will be bloody, after I'm done with it... -sn) Ti "Manifestation of Arthur's Sleep Deprived Subconcious" -na MARK "OOH, SHINY!" HANDLER (Poing, poing! -t) /***************************/ /* Corrections/Retractions */ /***************************/ Abby wondered to whom Elliot's Love Child passed on. It passed on to Qian, who passed it back to the attendance list. (Wait. The attendance list is a function with no arguments. -t) (You him, I don't understand what he just said. -w) (No argument here. -d) Amy' Prime is really just Amy'. Does she want a blurb? We've double checked our work, and 2 + 2 is not 5 as reported last week, but it is actually j. (What's j? -w) (2 + 2. -d) (It's where engineers put their last shred of imagination. -t) ( -d) /******************/ /* Smacking Stats */ /******************/ //This Week// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_4_|_4_|_8_| _t_|_5_|_X_|_2_|_7_| _w_|_4_|_1_|_X_|_5_| tot|_9_|_5_|_6_|_20| (rows: smacker; columns: smackee -t) Most Smacks: Death Most Smacked: Death //Spring '03// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_11|_11|_22| _t_|_12|_X_|_9_|_21| _w_|_9_|_9_|_X_|_18| tot|_21|_20|_20|_61| Most Smacks: Death Most Smacked: Death /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling SWIL Presidents, and your little ape too! (Time and War went ape figuring out how to end this properly -d) (I know how to end this. -w) (And I use my evil Text Editor powers to screw it all up at the last minute... MWAHAHAHA!! -t) Advancing the Doomsday Clock One Second at a Time, The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and The Ravage of War