From daniel at sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Sep 3 23:03:45 2002 Date: Tue, 5 Mar 2002 18:15:49 -0500 (EST) From: BDan Fairchild Reply-To: presidents at swil.org To: The SWIL List: ; Subject: Re: SWILNews #5 can be represented through numbers DM: It is night in the city of N'emarr. (everything looks more authoritative with extra apostrophes. -k) Even by the light of the new moon, there is a breathtaking view of the golden spires of the palace of Evil Emperor Izzimuz, rendered in bad CGI. All this is beside the point, since you are sitting in a dank bar as a small, mysterious-looking old man approaches. Elfstar (PC): I cast Know Alignment on him. DM: He's Neutral Good. He leans close to you and whispers, "Word on the street has it that it's time for ***SWILBusiness*** " DM: Lert, make a reflex save. Lert (PC): Curses! Natural one! DM: You are hit by a flying bar stool. Lert (PC): Ow, that stings. DM: Everyone make a spot check. Elfstar (PC): Seventeen. Black Leaf (PC): Thirteen. Mnemosyne (PC): Nine. Lert (PC): Six. DM: Everyone but Lert: You realize that a bar fight has broken out. It's the rabble. They're not pathetic, though there aren't many of them there. DM: You hear a banging on the door, and the city guard marches in. The Captain of the Guard, a clean-shaven young man clad in a coat of mithril with the juggling manticore crest of the Imperial Guard on his arm band, bellows-- Elfstar: I cast Know Alignment on him. DM: He's Lawful Boring. and he bellows, "Nominate books, you stupid illiterate people." Mnemosyne (PC): There's only one thing to do in a situation like this: I cast Fireball on the old man! DM: Black Leaf and Lert: you're inside the blast radius. Make reflex saves. Black Leaf (PC): 25. Lert: Sixteen. DM: Lert, you take ten points of damage. Black Leaf, you have evasion, so you're okay. Lert: That stings. DM: Flame jumps from rafter to rafter. It is clear that the bar will collapse soon. Most of the patrons have been burnt to a crisp, as has the old man. Elfstar: I think we walk out. DM: A passing do-gooder casts True Resurrection on the old man. He walks away. As you step out of the burning bar, you see a troup of wandering flagellants. Their leader, a tall monk with a grave expression and one eye, proclaims-- Elfstar: I cast Know Alignment on him! DM: He's Lawful Deranged. He proclaims, "Repent, all ye sinners! The night of Walpurgisnacht draws nigh! The date has been set for the 27th day of the month of April, to coincide with the feast of Arbor Day! Those who do not commemorate this occasion, by coming to the ceremonial reading of stories of horror, fertility, and trees, shall forever suffer a blackness upon their souls!" Lert: I bash the leader of the monks with my axe. DM: Which end? Lert: Uhhh... DM: Make an intelligence check. Lert: Negative one. DM: You poke him in the good eye with the handle. Make an attack roll. Lert: Natural twenty. I hit AC 42! And it's a critical hit, too! DM: Roll for damage. Lert: I deal 40 points of damage! DM: He would die instantly, but one of his fellow monks waves a strange magical talisman known as a 'failure card' and he putters away unscathed. Mnemosyne: So, what are we going to do now? Black Leaf: Well, I hear there's a damsel in distress in the Small Room. Elfstar: No, I hear someone heroic and clever and versed in the manly arts, with a name like Juan, is already on the case. Lert: I grunt menacingly. Black Leaf: I hear there's a bounty on submissions over at BEM. I think the absolute final deadline is March 18th. The actual one, this time. Mnemosyne: I lean back nonchalantly against the wall and ask what the bounty is. DM: Make a reflex save. Mnemosyne: Four! DM: You lean against a nail that someone hasn't hammered all the way into the wall. Black Leaf: So, anyway, I hear the bounty is just that they agree to publish your stories or artwork for you. And you get a copy of the magazine. Mnemosyne: I inspect the nail. DM: It's being used to hold up a poster that reads as follows: "Hear ye, Hear ye, The Emperor, in his infinite wisdom, hath decreed that there is a need for brave souls to undertake the quest for Robert's Thesis, which art both sci-fi and fantasy. Elfstar: Let's do that. Lert: Okay. DM: The Old Man wanders up to you. He says, "He who would seek Robert's Thesis must brave the mysterious and forbidden caverns of the abandoned temple of Ilzu'rk." Black Leaf: I use my sneak attack on the old man. DM: Make an attack roll. Black Leaf: 23. DM: Roll for damage. Black Leaf: Aah. All ones. I only do four points of damage. DM: The old man collapses to the ground, bleeding profusely. He is dead within minutes. Mnemosyne: I look up the abandoned temple of Ilzu'rk in my handy tourist map. DM: Make a Decipher Script check. Mnemosyne: Eighteen. DM: You now know how to get to the temple. A random do-gooder walks up and casts True Resurrection on the old man. They walk away. Elfstar: We go there. DM: Okay. After three or four minutes, you arrive at the abandoned temple of Ilzu'rk. You push your way through the crowds of tourists and see before you a sign marked "This way to mysterious and forbidden caverns." Another sign reminds you that you should start thinking of ideas for Spamageddon, the yearly ritual destruction of Spam. A cute tourist child wanders too close to the entrance to the forbidden caverns, and her father snatches her back. Elfstar: I cast Know Alignment on the child. DM: She's Neutral Cute. Elfstar: We enter the caverns. DM: The first room in the caverns is the legendary "Hall of T-shirt Ideas." The walls are covered with mysterious illustrations with bad jokes and references to something called 'SWIL'. In the center of the room there is a pedestal, on which sits a marble sculpture of a T-shirt. Black Leaf: That must be the design that won. DM: On the front of the T-shirt there is an image of a burning ring with the letters 'SWIL' emblazoned on it. On the back there are words in the Black Speech of Swarthmore. Elfstar: Ooh! Ooh! I took the Black Speech of Swarthmore as one of my bonus languages! What does it say? DM: It reads: "Three rings for divisions carving your life, Eleven for dormitories and their halls of stone, Nine for requirements bring strife, One for the SWILlies on their dark throne In the land of Swarthmore where the shadows lie. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the small room bind them In the land of Swarthmore where the shadows lie." Mnemosyne: That must be the design that won. DM: At the far end of the Hall of T-shirt Ideas is the vault of Lottery. Black Leaf: I search the door to the Vault for traps. DM [rolls dice]: Make a Search check. Black Leaf: Sixteen. DM: The thief, Black Leaf, did not find the poison trap, and I declare her dead. Satan: Now this is My kind of SWILNews! Lert: I bash down the door with my axe. DM: You succeed in bashing down the door. Elfstar: We enter the Vault of Lottery. DM: The Vault of Lottery was obviously once filled with strange and wondrous treasures, but now, only the Magic Loops remain. Within the Vault of Lottery is kept the Scroll of Winners, as well. Mnemosyne: I attempt to read from the scroll of winners. DM: Make a Decipher Script check. Mnemosyne: 23. DM: You're just barely able to read it. Mnemosyne: Good thing I have the Hair Clip of Nerdliness. DM: The scroll proclaims: "And Comma did win the lottery. And he took the 'Green Frog from Kyoto'. And it was ironic, because he had bought that lottery prize himself the previous week. And there was much rejoicing." Beyond the famed Vault of Lottery is a portal to the Plane of NonSWILBusiness. Elfstar: I cast Know Alignment on the Portal. DM: It's Neutral Inanimate. Elfstar: We go to the Plane of ***NonSWILBusiness*** DM: Lert, make a reflex save. Lert: Three. DM: Stepping out of the portal, you trip over the old man, crushing him under your weight. With his dying breath, he gasps out, "MathNet was in Kohlberg 116 at 1:30. It was good." Behind you looms the dreaded BDan. He is quite large. If he were a half-dragon, he would have wings. Mnemosyne: There's only one thing to do in a situation like this: I cast Fireball on the old man! DM: The old man's body is burnt to a crisp. So is BDan, along with John, who was asking for a frog up the nose. A passing do-gooder casts true resurrection on the old man. They wander off. A strange, tornado-shaped entity appears in the distance. Elfstar: I cast Know Alignment on it. DM: Its alignment is Screw Participant. Elfstar: It must be The Glitch! Lert: I ask if anything important has happened at meeting yet. DM: Make an intelligence check. Lert: Nine. DM: No. The Attendance List Whose Roommate Couldn't Find it a Screw Date Magic "Guess I'll go eat worms" Loops Rebecca "Maker of Screwiness" Paul Ross "Dios Fucking Mio, I'm one Tired Ass mo-fo, yo" Messing Matt "hehe, I caused that" Fowles Sony "now I'm a DJ" Clie Adrian "Evil will never triumph over good! Bishop to d4!" Packel Adam "Evil certainly will triumph - Checkmate!" Oleksa Jay "xu lo'e ckunu cu komcu" Scott, a.k.a. .jez. to conifers are combs to: .rax. Rebecca "orange chocolate french-fries" Kuipers Rachel "I'm oblivious. Really!" Sapiro MARK "EHCADAEH ... (THAT MADE IT WORSE) ... OUCH" HANDLER Nick "One Shirt, Two Shirt, Red Shirt... That's no shirt, that's a battlestation!" Ward Robert "Gooey Sheezey Gritty grits" McFarland Rebecca "actr" Jones Ben "Chess: It's not just for Smart People any more!" Mitchell JC "Kermit" Ravage John "Ascii is boring" Finkbiner Abby "My screwdate can kick your ass." Friedman Amy' "JustBen's angel ate my angel!" Marinello Ben "It is a sunny day" Newman BDan "I used to have a quote, I think..." Fairchild benjamin 'stupid frog' r, george Callicles '< 1/2' the Moose ~Elliot "Take that, Willard!" Reed NPCs: Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, and Couth Elfstar: I sacrifice the old man to complete the ritual. DM: Debbie, your cleric has been raised to the 8th level. I think it's time that you learn how to _really_ cast spells.