From daniel at sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Sep 3 22:58:10 2002 Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2002 22:32:59 -0500 (EST) From: Dan Fairchild To: The SWIL List: ; Subject: All hail SWILNews #2! that shalt be king hereafter. Act I Scene i [An open place. Thunder and lightning. Enter four SWILpresidents.] (why are we four here again? -k) (To write a SWILNews, in the main. -c) (Won't we need some sort of theme? -r) (a SWILNews written all in Scheme? -k) (Or phrased as a recurring dream? -s) (We like them not -r) (well, what theme then? -k) (A tragic SWILNews we shall send! -c) (So now this meeting's at an end. -s) [Exeunt.] Act II Scene i [***SWILbusiness*** The rabble are pathetic.] [Enter Macbeth and Banquo; they survey the aftermath of a massacre.] MACBETH: So fair and foul a day I have not seen. (alas! we did forget that line before! -k) (Repeat it now to even out the score. -r) ALL: Fair is foul and foul is fair. Hover through the fog and filthy air! (there, i feel much better now -k) BANQUO: Well, I'd say it's not too early to talk about the massacre, what with Norway already having hat its ass kicked and all. MACBETH: Well, it was their own fault for not submitting to BEM. ALL: Submit to BEM! [Enter Jimmosk.] BANQUO: Hail, brave friend! JIMMOSK: I submitted a pickle. [Exit Jimmosk.] (A delicious submission, if I may say. -c) (For that poor taste you'll surely pay. -k) [Enter first apparition -- a disembodied hand holding a book.] MACBETH: What's this? Such strange and wondrous metaphysical forces must only mean that I am either in a tragedy, or a thoroughly ill-planned piece of writing. Or both, of course. FIRST APPARITION: Beware beware thou foul illiterate wretch! Nominate books or more thou'lt hear me kvetch! (How the hell did it talk? -c) (it opened and shut the book in time to the words, obviously. -k) (I do protest! This is neither rhymed nor in tetrameters. -r) [First apparition vanishes.] [Enter messenger.] MACBETH: What is it, good man? MESSENGER: Schlock nominations and voting will be in three weeks. BANQUO: Just as the weird women promised! [Macbeth gives Banquo a very, very confused look.] [Messenger dies.] (Perhaps we should inform them what Schlock is. -s) (Low-budget films with plots as bad as this. -c) (And they can't decide what meter they're in either? -r) ALL: Silence! MACBETH: I wanna nominate 'Yor: The Hunter From the Future'! BANQUO: No I'm not. I'm supposed to beget a line of kings, but that's it, really. [Groaning in background.] BANQUO: Hath the Lord High Protector yet been payed for the costs of transporting our party to see LOTR? MACBETH: I think they took up a collection at meeting, and now we're covered. (Yeah yeah yeah -- I'll suck up the three bucks. -s) [Exeunt.] Scene ii [A drunken party. Enter Banquo, Macbeth, Malcolm, Lady Macbeth, and attendants.] MALCOLM: There's something decidedly not right about this mead. LADY: That's because it's birch beer. [Guests immediately start acting less drunk.] MALCOLM: Oh. BANQUO: That must make this-- ALL: The SWIL root beer KEG PARTY! [Enter second apparition -- a row of half full (or half empty -k) plastic cups. SECOND APPARITION: The kegger will be on February 16th, and people need to sign up to tend bar! LADY: That wasn't very intimidating at all. How is this supposed to drive me to madness? SECOND APPARITION: We also need people to help set up! [Gasps of horror.] [Second apparition vanishes.] BANQUO [looking around at decorations]: What hell is the theme, anyway? MALCOLM: Dada, maybe? MACBETH [to Malcolm]: Say, aren't you supposed to have fled to England by now? MALCOLM: Oh, right, sorry. [Exit Malcolm.] BANQUO: So why are we dancing a strathspey? I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's not what you'd expect... LADY: They took an unnecessary SWIL vote to have one of the dances at the kegger be a strathspey. MACBETH: Besides, we're in Scotland. LADY: And the theme _is_ dada, so you can't really say it's inappropriate. [Enter Nick.] NICK: I was late to meeting because I was busy printing character sheets for the presidents, so I should get a lottery ticket anyway. MACBETH: We have conducted an unnecessary SWIL vote, and it is agreed that Nick deserves to get a lottery ticket. much later... NICK [Laughs maniacally]: I have a lottery ticket! Victory is mine! Give up now, Macduff! [Macduff just sort of glares.] NICK [Slaps forehead]: Oh! Right! I only deserve a lottery ticket! I misinterpreted the charm! Damn you, Macduff! ...inexplicable flash forward ends. [Exit Nick.] BANQUO: Say, there isn't a fire alarm this year, they must have had an unnecessary SWIL vote about that too. MACBETH: Oh good, I'm supposed to come to no harm until there's a fire alarm at the kegger. Either that or something about moving trees. Can't quite remember. LADY: Maybe it's because nobody's set anything on fire. I think they had a vote about that too. (Nothing important has happened in meeting yet, Kyra. -s) [Enter Raoul] (Do you have a list of Kegger decorations, Raoul? -s) RAOUL: Yes! We plan to have motorized fish, sushi, fresh vegetables, sushi, clocks, sushi, Qian in a gorilla suit, motorized sushi, more stuff about gorillas . . . [Raoul continues to talk.] MACBETH: Sushi? (i know! we aren't budgeted for that. -k) [They fight. Raoul is slain.] [Raoul tries to crawl offstage without drawing attention to himself.] [Enter Abby'.] LADY: Say, where did the music come from? BANQUO: People suggested and lent weird and eighties music to the DJs -- ~Sam and BC. HECATE: Get music to the DJs soon. ABBY: Hey! There isn't any *NSYNC. HECATE: The DJs do not want anything by *NSYNC. BANQUO: Hark! What are those minstrels I hear? (...and they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. -k) (...and there was much rejoicing. -r) MACBETH: That sounds like the first SWIL Ilk Filksing. ALL: Yay! (Isn't the filksing this Friday at 8:00 in Kohlberg 226? How are these characters hearing it now, at the kegger? -s) (It's another random flashforward, clearly. -c) (But it's before the Kegger, so it'd be a flashback. -r) (grrr... i was going to give the line about when the filksing was to Lady Macbeth. -k) [Exeunt.] Act III Scene i [A Lottery. Enter Abby'] [Abby' wins Peeps(TM).] [Exeunt.] Scene ii [***Non-SWILBusiness*** Not Willets. Enter Abby'.] ': Friday will be one thousand days since I got out of Willets! ALL: Yay! [Exeunt.] Act IV Scene i [Still Non-SWILBusiness. Also still not Willets. Enter three murderers.] FIRST MURDERER: Death Name Game was on Saturday, it was fun. SECOND MURDERER: [Snickers] Yeah. And they had Lev Davidovich Bronstein again! [Bounces.] FIRST MURDERER [to third murderer]: You're completely superfluous! What the hell are you doing here? THIRD MURDERER: I've snuck in as part of a vast conspiracy to convince people that the canonical version of the text is incomplete. Either that or they'll think I'm deeply symbolic. ALL: Maybe that's what Satan is up to! ('Satan', or 'Seyton'? -r) FIRST MURDERER: So, who are we supposed to assassinate, anyway? SECOND MURDERER: Everybody except him, and him, and her, and him, and her, and ', and Abby, and Arcadia. FIRST MURDERER: Why? SECOND MURDERER: They suck. FIRST MURDERER: What about Noda? SECOND MURDERER: He's actually Arcadia. [Enter Abby', Jimmosk, Polonius, the committee for consistent character references in Shakespeare parodies, and attendants.] [Polonius is slain.] [Exeunt committee.] ': I will be showing Square One next Saturday at 1:30pm in Papazian 324. [Enter third apparition, who bears an alarming resemblance to MathMan.] THIRD APPARITION: No man shall harm Macbeth until Square One is shown in Papazian 324, or Act V, whichever comes first. MACBETH [from offstage]: Eek! [Third apparition vanishes.] JIMMOSK: I'm having a story reading with an ulterior motive on Friday the 15th. FIRST MURDERER: Ooh! Ooh! An ulterior motive. SECOND MURDERER: We like those. FIRST MURDERER: C'mon -- tell us what it is! JIMMOSK: My ulterior motive is to hear people read stuff first published in 2001, so I can nominate it for the Hugos. Of course, other stories are fine too. [Murderers look disappointed.] [Exeunt.] Act V Scene i [The Attendance List of Sharples Packing Materials Bar. Enter ~Elliot "inverted commas" Reed Jim "voting for crystal as the new M&M color" Moskowitz Abby "I have better things to do than stand around listening to you quote yourself" Friedman Amy' "I don't" Marinello ~Sam "I don't understand" Crane John "Iguanas are still cooler than rodents" Finkbiner Michael "baka-baka" Noda Handspring Visor "Ports are the Ir-connectors" Prism Adam "On the run from illithid bounty-hunters" Oleksa Rachel "Sick... again..." Sapiro MARK "MORE WEEKS OF WINTER 6" HANDLER Katie "New York abstains... courteously" McAlister Nick "Oh! The places you'll go!" Ward Rebecca "Michelangelo G. Magistrale" Kuipers JC "It was Rei Aya_n_ami" Ravage (the transcriber takes no responsibility for illegible quotes. -c) benjamin `Gnomish bagpipes' r, george Callicles `clockwork sushi?' the Moose BDan "Carlos Ramon Francisco Vasquez de Diego con Queso" Fairchild Ben "My snake thinks rats are better than mice" Mitchell Ben "You can't be Ben! I'm Ben!" (I think it's a bit late for that. -c) Rebecca "Jelly" Jones Robert "d4s make great makeshift caltrops" McFarland Ben "You know, there CAN be three Bens...." Bagley Qian "The new presidents are so docile ... it almost makes me not want to steal their clothes." Qian blah blah blah blah B.C. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Phillips blah blah blah blah and attendants] MACBETH: Hey! I'm not in this scene! ALL: That's because you're dead. This is a tragedy, after all. [Macbeth looks confused.] JUST THE ATTENDANTS: Oh no! They're microwaving TWO peeps! [Horrible explosion. All die.] [All attempt to crawl inconspicuously offstage.] Submitted to the Globe Theatre manuscripts office by Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, and Couth.