*** Important Note *** Apparently, the yearbook is really desperate, so
much so that they even want to include SWIL.  (Did you say debauchery? -d)  
(What? -g)  (Did you say something about debauchery? -d)  (No. -g)  
(Okay, that's better. -d)  (You people! -s)  So anyway, if you want to be
listed in the Halcyon as being in SWIL (and you are a current student -s)
(at Swarthmore -d), reply to this message now.  If you don't reply, it's
not our fault.  Ever.  For anything.  See?  *** End Important Note ***


*** Unimportant Note ***

Swarthmore campus lay undisturbed and peaceful, deep in the heart of
downtown Tokyo.  The Rising Sun flew high above the pinnacle of Parrish
Hall, replacing the recent Maple Leaf of the Canadian Invasion.  As the
students slumbered, they had no idea the campus was about to be
attacked... by a Giant... Rubber... Ketchup Bottle.  (Of course, the fact
that they were in Tokyo should have been a clue. -s)

They awoke with an athetic clamoring.  Or maybe aesthetic.  Who knows.  
All we know, is that they were scared.  Scared bad.  Wouldn't you be, if
you were faced with...


*** SWILBusiness ***

We have sophomores being Waitrons?  What is the world coming to?  (Well,
it's being attacked by a Giant Rubber Ketchup Bottle, for one thing. -d)  
(Damn Waitrons.  Don't they know Sharples food is radioactive? -g)  
(Wait!  That must be it!  It's all the Waitrons' fault for spilling
radioactive Sharples food on a Miniature Rubber Ketchup Bottle!  See
Section 7B, paragraph 2* of SWILLaw! -,)  (Perhaps a tablecloth can ward
it off.  If not, we can use it for the Massacre, I suppose.  At least,
once I remember to buy it. -s)

We have three nice black foam fedoras, and one which looks like it was hit
by a truck.

comma is in charge of the cap guns, though Kyla is still Head Thugtron.  
As if either of them could stop the Giant Rubber Ketchup Bottle -- guns
don't kill ketchup bottles -- ...something else... does.  (We hope. -d)

If you want to sign up for the Massacre, which will happen on February 14
at 6:00 pm, there's still time to sign up.  Especially if you want to be a
victron.  More information is available upon request.

Of course, this was assuming they all survived until February 14.  As the
rabble ran screaming through the steam tunnels, the Crum, and the
Arboretum at the exact same time, the Giant Rubber Ketchup Bottle
approached -- Menacingly.  "Roar," it roared.  "Squirt," it squirted.  
Interjection.  Reaction.  Stunned silence.  "Aaaaagh," aaaaaghed the
rabble.  "Oh well," oh welled the Nefarious and Vindictive Copresidents,
"there goes another one.  Poor little Menacingly."

People care, except ~Elliot.

Does anyone have extra food for Abby?  Could somebody pass the ketchup?  
(What? -s)

Arcadia will reserve the WRC for Walpurgisnact, Saturday, April 28.  Oh,
the horror!  Oh, the fertility!  Oh, the Arbor Day!

The next 24-Hour Tolkien Reading has been scheduled for the second weekend
of spring break, the 17th to 18th of March.  The current plan is to read
The Two Towers, in a desperate attempt to bore the Giant Rubber Ketchup
Bottle into submission.

Submit to BEM!  By February 28.  This is our current Absolute Final
Deadline.

We're going to be having a book sale this spring to get rid of duplicates
from Cordwainer/George, plus books that haven't been taken out in like ten
years, plus books that suck.  If you're interested in helping us choose,
email Prime for the book list.

John fell down (an elevator shaft -d) (onto some ketchup. -g)  (It's
taking them, one by one! -s).

Monday's movie was Groundhog Day.  Monday's movie is Groundh-- Monday's
movie is Porco Rosso.  Yup.

It was suggested that we might try to get the following people as
speakers:  Lindsay Herron; Donna Jo Napoli.  BDan is working on planning a
trip to visit Lloyd Alexander.  We think this would count as sufficient
speaker-ness for this year, but if you really want to work on bringing in
a speaker, please let us know and do so.

And so, with much of campus out of the way, the Giant Rubber Ketchup
Bottle began to terrorize SWILlies with...


*** NonSWILBusiness ***

MST3K is still happening on Wednesday nights during Robert's Statistical
Physics seminar, that is, 7 pm in Trotter 303.  Of course, Gamera holds no
terror like that of a Giant Rubber Ketchup Bottle.  The Giant Rubber
Ketchup Bottle is no friend to all children.

Blackadder 3 episodes 1-4 will be shown on Saturday at 7 pm in Kohlberg
115.  This amounts to half a season, which makes it more of a Halfadder.

There was gaming in Greylock.  There, in all likelihood, will be again.  
(Oops, forgot about the Giant thingie. -g)  (Play Careers! -s)

It's not too late to join Joel's Star Wars RPG.  It's on weekends starting
2:30-3:00 pm, starting this weekend.  Contact Abby, and may the Force be
with you.

Rebecca Jones wants to show Mel Brooks movies.  If you have suggestions of
when they should be shown, let her know.  Do it soon.  Before you...
diiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  (That was fun. -g)

Kyla will be having a Star Trek showing in Abby's room on Saturday
afternoon.

They have muddy sneaker ice cream.  And where do you think they got those
abandoned muddy sneakers?  From the Crum!  And the steam tunnels!  And the
other thing!  The Arboretum!  Fortunately for you all, your presidents
have escaped (ie, ditched you loosers to save themselves -gsd).

Elliott is pleased that there is Cheese Court.  He wants to know who W
will nominate to it.  We don't.


*** Burrito -- Er, Wrap Up ***

Our three gyros were the only ones left in all of SWIL (again -g).  There
was only one way to deal with this cereal killer.  They mustard all their
strength in a final a-salt, peppering the Bottle with napkin balls.  It
squirted left; they darted right.  (Ice creamed. -d)  It waffled, and
finally struck!  Being doused in ketchup was not an experience that they
relished.  They looked down at themselves in horror.  "What a jam!  We're
toast!"  "Wait!  This isn't real ketchup...."  And with a final gasp, they
died, broken-hearted.


*** The Attendance List of the Wrong Type of Paper -- 2/3/2001 ***

Amy' "1963" Marinello
Robert "A4, rice, tracing" McFarland
Abigail "eaten by a Daddy Longlegs on the way to SWILmeeting" Friedman
	<FONT COLOR="#C000C0">Hey!  That's not me!</FONT>  (The first
	one was funnier. -g)
Rebecca "pathetic" Jones
Arcadia "sickness, madness, strange theories, and other things
	Dostoevsky and Swarthmore have in common" Falcone  (Yes, but
	was there ever a Giant Rubber Ketchup Bottle in Russian
	literature? -s)  (Well, you know, it's *red*, duh. -d)
	(Not if you're JC. -g)  (Oh, the horror! -s)
Kyla "ax murder at Swarthmore?  Crime; punishment ensues." Tornheim
Jim "centrifugal banana" Moskowitz  (Um? -s)
Matt "second day wedding crown" Fowles  (Matt, I had no idea. -g)
Jimmy "Blah Blah Drip Drip Drip Drip.  Mind over Matter." Kong
	(Wait!  Jimmy's dripping ketchup! -d)
Snibor "Ylon seman elballys eno.  Emag Eman Efil yalp ot tnaw I emit
	txen." Eoj  (Doesn't 'elballys' remind you of 'eyeballs'? -g)
Ross "schwA" MessiNG
Elliott '' `` Moreton
Kyra "The Mother of all humanity would call me old-fashioned." Jucovy
	(You must be, like, old. -g)
JC "Deborah Blau/Covreyfac" Ravage
~Elliot "I am not going gaming after SWILmeeting -- I am doing
	diffeqs.  I am not going gaming after SWILmeeting -- I am
	doing diffeqs.  I am not going gaming after SWILmeeting -- I
	am doing diffeqs.  I am not... oh, hell!" Reed  (Careers! -s)
Rachel "Sharples food has been worse than usual" Sapiro  (Well, yes.
	Usual food is pretty good. -g)  (Usual food doesn't result
	in Giant Rubber Ketchup Bottles! -d)
BDan "is this list written on Soylent White?" Fairchild  (o/` So-oylent
	White...  Ho-oly White... -d)
Ben "erp!" Newman  (You can say that again! -gs)
benjamin 'if i were a gerund...' r, george  (I'd end in -ing. -s)
John "I like it to be warm.  Warm warm warm.  Mathematics is the most
	wonderful thing ever.  And I am deeply sorry for having given
	Amy a concussion.  I shall be forever bound by what I have said
	here, and this is just what I deserve for not writing an
	ASCII-renderable quote." Finkbiner  ("The Concussionist," we
	used to call him back in my day. -s)
<FONT COLOR="#C000C0">Abby "pretty in purple" Friedman</FONT>

*** End Unimportant Note ***


Dedicated to the Memory of
	The Heart of Gold
	The Heart of Stone
	The Heart of Darkness
...or is it?


*Section 7B, paragraph 2.  When the aforementioned scapegoats, hearafter
read "MiniProps," wish in turn to cover their posteriors, the Waitrons,
hereafter read "scapegoats," shall have all responsibility thrust upon
them and their relevant posteriors.


(Hey, was that a ketchup bottle I heard making saucy comments? -s)