It was a dark time in the universe. The rabble were rumbling. The populice was pensive. The citizenry was umm, sitting anxiously on the edge of its seat (can you tell nobody else has arrived yet to help me write something decent? -?). In short, the people of SWIL were without leadership (so what's new? -!) (not you. You haven't arrived yet. -?). More importantly, they were also without presidents. So what did the brave SWILfolk do? They turned to their MiniProps and said, "Send the word out far and wide that we are in need of rulers." "Here," said comma, "you can have a whole meterstick." "Not funny," ranted the rabble. "If you don't find us someone to be presidential, we'll make you do it yourselves." Oh, the humanity! (Oh, the natural science! -%) And so the Bens Who Are Not Ben sent the word out far and wide that a new coalition (dominatrix? -?) (coalition! -!%) was needed: "College SF group seeks 2-3 insane, masochistic lifeforms or equivalent Turing machines for subjugation of same. Sentience and anal-retentivity a plus." *** SWILBusiness *** The first to inquire about the position were Bowl of Petunias, Sperm Whale, and ...My Name Is Not Important. "Oh, this is so exciting! So much to look forward to, so many SWIL nonmembers to subjugate! I wonder if they will be friends with me!" But alas, the rabble were just too weird. (Oh, no, not again. -b) "The MiniProps will see you now. Step in please." "Hi, we're The Powers That B," said Bprime, Bigail, and Brobert. "Huzzah, Brobert's back in power, and no cantankerous eggplant is going to throw him out!" (Hey, see, it's parallel, 'cause it's like, the MiniProps selecting the presidents! -b) Just then, Bmatt-- (He's never been under the table! -b) --Just then, Matt appeared in Beggplant form (Okay, not really -b), leading to cries of "Yay, conservation of eggplants!" The Powers ran back to whence they'd come. "Next..............?" "Hi! We're Rachel, Rebecca, and Ben. Aren't we totally unique and different in every way?" Rebecca made a brownie slug. (Not that Rebecca, the other Rebecca. -r) (No, the other other Rebecca. -b) (No! The other other other Rebecca! Fools! -r) The MiniProps blinked. "Submit to BEM." "Hey," cried a Ben Who Is Not Ben, "who's making that disturbance in the hall?" "Submit to BEM." "We're trying to conduct an interview here!" "Submit to BEM." "Oh, that must be The Borg. They're next on our list." "Submit to BEM. Your work will be assimilated." "All right, it looks like next we have Pineapple Upsidedown Cake." "Ooh, cake? For that, I'll even go so far as to sign the attendance list!" exclaimed Sonia. "No! Thou dost not eat of thine presidents!" Sadly, it was too late. (Mmrrrrph. -c) "Hmm, these next folks look overly qualified. They claim to know everything." "Well, that's sentience for you, but what about anal-retentivity?" (Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. -b) "Well, let's see. One of the important things we need to discuss this semester is bringing in an author to speak, and it seems that a couple of these guys (Who says we're guys? -g) have written some books. Big Daddy and J.C., what does The Ghost bring into this equation?" "Little tongues of fire above everybody's head. I'm not sure how that's useful, though." "Next." People should be thinking of t-shirt slogans and designs for this year's SWIL shirt. They should be clever. (I object to this enforced wardrobe-ocity. -n) (Oh, you're Naked? I thought you were Barefoot. Boy, do I feel stupid. -b) (All I know is that I'm In The Kitchen, and I'm not coming out there until you guys go away. -i) "Can't you read the sign? No shirt, no shoes, no subjugation." *** Purple *** (Purple, purple purple purple purple purple. Purple purple purple? -p) ( Purple purple purple! -p) (Purple, purple purple, purple, purple, purple, purple, purple. Puuuuurrrrrrrrpplllllllle. -p) "", whimpered comma. "Out they go," whimpered Raoul. *** NonSWILBusiness *** "We're running low on candidates. Let's play What Do We Know?." "We know Square One will be shown at 3 o'clock on Saturday the 27th in Kohlberg 116." (Three? Three is the smallest odd prime number. -g) (George! -k<) (Hey, Pat, what are you doing here? I'm George's partner! -k) (Back off, Kate, I owned a Barbie doll when I was young. -<) (Would you like my hockey stick to be tangent to, or parallel to and touching, your head? -k) "We know there is a classics talk Tuesday the 30th at 8 o'clock in the LPAC cinema. Perhaps The Twelve Caesars will be there." "Venimus, vidimus, vicimus!" "Also, we know there will be a Blackadder showing sometime and somewhere on Saturday the 10th." "Norsnow, Norsleet, Nordarkofnight shall keep me from that screening." (We will? I'm sorry.... -n) "We know there will be an a capella concert at Bryn Mawr on Saturday the 3rd, and that we should see Hollis for further details, since Mixed Company will be part of it." (Wait! I'm having an a capella concert? This sounds serious! -b) (Don't worry, I've had them before. They're actually rather pleasant. -s) (Oh sure, Swarthmore and Bryn Mawr get all the a capella concerts. Nothing for Haverford, oh, no, who cares about Haverford? -h) (Shove it up your honor code. -bs) "We know Ben Who Is Not Us Or A Rejected Presidential Title will be showing Farscape somehow, someday, o/` somewhere...." "Where?" "Beyond PPR!" "How do we get there?" "We go Two, Infinity, and Beyond!" (You called? -t) "We know that Saturday, like every Saturday, was a family SWILmeeting." (Yay! Tinky-Winky! Biiiiiig hug! -t) (Biiiiiig hug! La-La! -l) (Again! Again! Po! -p) "Okay, okay, get them out of here, quick quick quick! Aaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh!" *** Grand Finale to Shameless Plot Device *** "Whatever are we going to do, Ben? We're out of candidates." "Wait, Ben, there's one more trio (threesome? -s) (menage a trois? -d) (only if we get a point for it. -g) in the waiting room. Let's give them a chance. Heck, let's just give them the job." "Sounds good to me, Ben. I certainly don't want to be stuck with it." And so, the rabble were introduced to their nefarious and vindictive copresidents: The Queens of Heart: The Heart of Gold: Amy' Marinello The Heart of Stone: Abigail Friedman The Heart of Darkness: Robert McFarland (N.B. The president named in this section are not responsible for the comments and/or opinions of the previous titular candidates. Blame should be assigned in accordance with Section 7B, paragraph 1* of SWILLaw.) *** The Attendance List of People Who Were Here -- 1/27/01 *** Ben "Not the President!" Newman (What do you mean, not _the_ president? You were never _the_ president. -s) Rebecca "Salt is not a constant" jones Hollis "Dancing flirt" Easter Salt and pepper shakers Kyla "newly patched jeans and overdone question game" Tornheim (That's a three. No, it's a one. That is definitely a four. -g) JC "Luke of Winchester, Slayer of the Bayemot" Ravage Sonia "figment of your imagination" Mariano (Oh, good. I thought I wasn't seeing things. -d) Jim "the pontificating giraffe" maiolo ~Elliot "Dust-free" Reed Ross "DoN't 'chA Just HAte PANts!!!" MessiNG (Definitely! -n) Kyra "You seek and you find." Jucovy Matt "I hate Purple!" Fowles (Well, that was a lucky break. -s) benjamin 'a partial tree monoid generated by a finite set of symbols.' r, george Ben "My fire alarm went off today." Bagley (Where did it go? -d) John "That's Amazing... Mine didn't" Finkbiner (How do you know? -g) Amy' "Sonia was here!" Marinello (Sonia was in your quote? -d) Robert "No cantankerous eggplant is gonna stop me this time" McFarland (Ha ha, fooled you. -s) Abby "I'd help but I'm paralyzed with not caring" Friedman Rebecca "blueberry donuts that look like they're chocolate suck" Kuipers (What about them? And what does chocolate suck look like, anyway? -gsd) The Bayemot (dead) (Sorry about themers) $\sqrt{-yak}$ (You were rejected. Go away. -g) Tobasco & Pepper *** Gold, Stone, and Darkness *** *Section 7B, paragraph 1. When sketchy and irresponsible leaders, hereafter read "SWIL copresidents," wish to cover their posteriors, the MiniProps, hereafter read "scapegoats," shall have all responsibility thrust upon them and their relevant posteriors.