From aem @ sccs Tue Sep 12 17:04:43 2000 Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 15:34:18 -0500 (EST) From: Amy' Marinello To: _swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu Subject: The Mysterious Chain Link Murder of SWILNews #2 It was a dark (light) and stormy (snowy) night (Saturday afternoon). Four famous detectives, recently rendered mute by a tragic encounter with a rabid yak in Outer Mongolia, gathered on the Swarthmore campus. They wandered about, seemingly at random, but their infallible sense of the workings of the criminal mind drew them, one by one, to Sharples... Room 4. (dun dun duuuun! -a) (how do you spell that? -q) Our first detective, one Sherlock Holmes, entered upon the scene of the crime. SWILlies lay everywhere: on the floor, under the tables, in their soup. One unspecified SWILlie, known only as Chaos, lying merely on the *brink* of death, managed to gasp out... -*- SWILBusiness -*- "The Commitee to Replace Amy have all been killed! Now however will they make their newly-instated deadline of February 12 for discussing the feasibilies of the various speaker candidates! "It was a massacre, I tell you! A massacre! (Specifically, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. This is SWIL's annual reenactment of the 1920's murderous event. If you missed the signup sheet, reply to this address. We especially need victrons!! Hollis and ~Elliot, our gulli--fearless Waitrons, will need a tablecloth, music, music box, and any other decorative accoutrements you might have. -abq) "Who would have thought that Schlock could be such a dangerous place? Of course, it wasn't hard to finish everyone off after they'd all been softened up by watching so many bad movies. By the way, if you want to find some really bad movies and recommend for this year's film festival, check out the catalogues in George, or these web sites: http://www.badmovies.org http://www.coastnet.com/~greywizard/index.htm http://www.sinistercinema.com/ "Look! It's the AltaVista blimp!" And she died, leaving Holmes to charade his findings to the next detective... Dirk Gently (aka Svlad). Holmes' pretend vocalizations to the natural conclusion that the victims were editors of BEM. He managed to infer that the deadline for submission to BEM (who wants to say, "Submit to BEM!"? -q) (not it! -ab) was mid-February, and promised himself to actually send in those drawings and poems and stories, which he could either give to Heather, Kira, or Anna directly, or put in the spiffy envelope on the SWIL board in Parrish (if it's up--hint hint -a). All Gently was able to conclude from Holmes' impression of the massacre was that someone had been extremely disorderly. It was probably the rabble. Holmes' attempts at charading were pathetic. The murders had clearly taken place at Sunday's study break. (I thought we were gaming! -a) Death nonwithstanding, much fun and food were had by all, and some such event should take place again in the future. Dick Tracy then burst upon the scene, guided by the informative beeping of his wrist organizer. (so it's organizing his wrist? -q) (yes -b) From Dirk's gestures of writing and drawing, Tracy knew immediately that it was the t-shirt designer that had been murdered. But who was the t-shirt designer? (It could be you! Submit designs and/or slogans to Franzi by spring break, and you may be immortalized on the torsos of SWILlies everywhere!) Tracy knew disorder when he saw it, and he knew what it meant... Spam had struck again! Clearly it needed killing, mutilation, elimination, destruction, inquisition, and tender loving care. If you have opinions on how this "Spamageddon" should occur, don't hesitate to bring them up at a later SWILmeeting. Gently's mimings of food and fun led Tracy to believe that the murders had occured at Bring Your Phone to Dinner Night, February 28. It was time now for the entrance of the best, the brightest, known only as Agent 3.14159 (ouch! -q)... as George Frankly. He saw immediately that the crime had been so heinous, that it could only be explained in terms of... -*- NonSWILBusiness -*- Tracy, being an even more pathetic mimer than Holmes, tried to draw on his t-shirt with a pen. Naturally being a fan of great television, Frankly decided to give up on this whole interpretation thing and go watch Buffy, the entirety, from the beginning, instead. He can do it when Kyla shows them on Saturday afternoons. Getting bored of waiting for Tracy to make sense, Frankly made the intuitive leap to that other famous unending expanse of time known as Civilization. If you want to play on Saturday, contact Fred. Now. This was clearly an obvious mode of death. Tracy's attempts to talk into a telephone with his mouth full put Frankly in mind of a better use of speech: The (potential) revival of the 24-hour Tolkein reading, which Chaos (remember that unspecified SWILlie? -a) shall attempt to organize. Finally, Public Safety arrived, just in the (ahem -b) nick of time. (what about the Tom of time? Why is it always Nick? -a) (forget Tom. I like Justin time -q) (no, no, stop, all of you! -b) (okay, that's enough parenthetical comments for one paragraph -q) (awwwww... -a) The Public Safety officer, unable to grok Frankly's ingenious charades, made the following report to his superiors regarding the victims: Occupation: Cast member of Damn Yankees, opening March 24. Mode of kicking the bucket: Excessive laughter at an Eye of Argon reading, to be organized by Sarah. Location: Kohlberg 116 during the showing of Jimmosk's Movies of Strangeness (and fun -q), last Saturday night. The officer did find this piece of evidence at what he assumed to be the scene of the crime: -*- The Attendance List of Weird Czech Animators -*- John "Hack - Hack, Cough cough" Finkbiner Hollis "Wee Hollis with Fyne Kilt" Easter Kyla "strange hybrid--or is that weird?" Tornheim (ooh, she has a last name this week! -a) Robert "discrete Fourier transform" McFarland Rebecca "salamanella immune" Jones Jennifer "Yay, Freshman's Folly!" Tyson Anna "Snow! Tracks! Trees!" Hess Sarah "off to play with screwdrivers" Bergstrom (cool! -q) Lindsay "Walrus-girl (Baruff!)" Herron Franzi "Hat!" Dickson Jim "Jan Svankmajer is _not_ weird. He's surreal. (That's snootier)" Moskowitz Amy "snow is bright" Swift (violets are blue -b) Rebecca "circulation is a good thing" Kuipers ~Elliot "Be careful what you wish for" Reed benjamin r, 'Floss will not save you from an abyss.' (-Dickinson) george chaos "fire is better than snow, but snow is pretty good" golubitsky Kyra "Despite these uncertainties, many, if not most, scientists now believe that life exists." Jucovy Andrew "Vader is 'upset!'" Szafran Sonia "% me 3qecb % B cudene" Mariano (where's Arcadia when we need her? -a) (for those of you in the studio audience, that was old Ben's attempt to render Russian in ASCII -q) Kira "I forgot my quote..." Goetschius -*- Encyclopedia Brown knows what happened... do you? -*- Abi-Wan Kenobi, Old Ben Kenobi, and Queen Amydala