(are we really live? i don't feel live. -d) Okay, this is SWILNews. The purpose of SWILNews is to describe what happened at the SWIL meeting in an amusing fashion. This week, we will provide a list of useful advice for the incoming freshmen. 1) Do not use "until the cows come home" to indicate the duration of eternal damnation. 2) Do not attempt to play snood blindfolded. (ooh, i have a portable blindfold now -n, looking at her hand) 3) If you decide to be the third co-president for the purpose of commenting SWILNews, do not allow the other co-presidents to select a nickname for you. (no noose is good noose. -n) 4) Do not, early in your Swarthmore career, establish yourself as a collector of walruses. 5) Do not allow the tadpole thing to die. 6) Do not shirk your fan-finding duty. Amy' didn't. We were all grateful. SWILBusiness: 1) Do not not submit to BEM. BEM is SWIL's quasi-annual literary publication. BEM has been taken over by seniors, so if you are not a senior, please volunteer to work for BEM. (you get to tell people to submit to you. this is a plus. -d) Contact Heather (hweidner @ sccs) for more information. 2) Do not wait to sign up for Ren Faire if you want to go. We mean this. We just found out that we can't get a van for our trip to Ren Faire on Saturday, 18 September. We will find transportation for everyone who wants to go, but we need to know as soon as possible that you plan to come. Also, if you have a car and are willing to drive for us, we'll love you forever. Until we forget. But it'll still be cool. 3) Do not be a member of SWIL. In order to be a voting nonmember of SWIL, you must attend three consecutive meetings and demonstrate your sentience, after which you will be dismembered, and you can participate in votes. 4) Do not skip meeting. If you miss meeting, we could do things like vote you the current student minimum standard of sentience. It happened to Lindsay, and it could happen to you. 5) Do not allow your organization to reach 21 years of age. If that happens, you may be forced to have a keg party. SWIL, of course, is doing just that. The SWIL root beer keg party will be held in Paces on Friday, 24 September, with an outer space and '80s pop music theme. We will research and play Jim "founder of SWIL" Huang's (found 'er - i don't even know 'er. -d) favourite song (unless he liked disco -n). 6) Do not join debate until after Friday, 1 October. That way, you can participate in the Pterodactyl Hunt first. The Pterodactyl Hunt is SWIL's all-campus newspaper sword fight. You want to participate. You know you do. We know you do. 7) Do not attempt to oppose the might of Cloak. (somehow, "the might of cloak" just sounds silly. however, the cloak of night...-d) (don't you mean the cloak of *might*? -n) (no. "cloak of night" is an accepted phrase, thank you very much. -d) (hmph. -c) Cloak moved 600 people (i.e. activities fair) to upper Tarble from Parrish hallway, which would have sucked. Cloak is awesome. Cloak commands respect and worship. (Cloak is typing. Can't you tell?) (why, no, now that you ask. not that cloak always gets to type. oh, no. -d, having stolen possedbh ivgjfssijon ovcf the compuw t4.) 8) Do not get up while typing. Someone will take your chair. *********************************************************************** Flashback, fade to SWIL meeting #0. We're too lazy to write a SWILNews for this meeting, so we'll just tell you what happened now. Beth has too much cream cheese. Whenever you see Al Bloom, quack. To help everyone move in, we changed the acceleration due to gravity to 1.12m/s^2, approximating the gravity on the moon. We think. Passed: 2-0. The massacre will happen. Maybe in March. SWIL should be open to official diplomatic recognition of Taiwan. Tied: 1-1. SWIL should normalize relations with Grand Fenwick. Passed: 2-0. Jefferson invented the dumbwaiter. We think. Cloak has a papazan chair. attendance list - 28/8: Amy "Only meeting at which I am likely to be first" Swift Hannah "here in absentia" Rakoff Beth "Probably the only time I will be awake early enough to come to meeting" Tsai Al "quack" Bloom allspice.cs.swarthmore.edu Will "HOME!" Quale Bilbo "what have I got in my pocket" Baggins Fred "now at www.circling.org" Bush Otavia "Chaos mad me sign" Propper Unflashback. *********************************************************************** 9) Do not allow yourself to be responsible for scheduling movies. In fact, Cloak and Dagger have to do it. They came up with: 13/09 apollo 13 20/09 bedknobs and broomsticks 27/09 tank girl 04/10 laputa 18/10 dr. strangelove 25/10 dark crystal 01/11 monty python and the holy grail 08/11 gremlins 15/11 solaris 22/11 raiders of the lost ark 29/11 wings of honneamise 06/12 attack of the killer tomatoes 13/12 blade 20/12 young frankenstein 10) Do not subscribe to the fun list by sending e-mail to fun @ swil.org. Instead, subscribe to the fun list by sending e-mail to majordomo @ swil.org with "subscribe fun" in the body. Lots of frosh subscribed to the fun list, so lots of people will be able to have fun this year. 11) Do not bring your entire science fiction collection from home. You can use ours. SWIL's Cordwainer Bird science fiction library is located on the second floor of Cornell. Check books out by writing your name and the date on the card and leaving it in the card box. Return books before you graduate. Non-SWILBusiness: Fred wants to do lots of gaming. Ben is trying to get a puppetry group together. Contact him at bnewman @ sccs. Go to Scottish and English dance class, T/Th 6:05pm-7:35pm in LPAC basement. It's nifty and you get P.E. credit. the attendance list of random things (aka bad action/sci-fi bulgarian movies) - 9/4/99: Sarah "not-a-number" Bergstrom (okay, number = 0000000) (number changed to protect the innocent -c) (are we claiming sarah's innocent? -n) Ben "Silly hacker, Matrix are for Squids!" Newman Kyra Jucovy Jennifer "Brain dead" Tyson Robert "seeing way too much of Rebecca (Paul) and Amy' this year" McFarland Franzi "Californians aren't ALL nymphomaniacs, really!" Dickson Rebecca "stressing out already" Jones Kira "oh yeah... insert quotes..." Goetschius Anna "Does anyone have legos I can borrow?" Hess (now all we need is seven pounds of sticky-tack and a blender. -a) Sonia "jotain todella huvittava" Mariano Josh "nutritious marmalade sandwich" Burdick Heather "the Master has gone to draw tears from the Styx" Weidner Catherine "New York City is a vortex. In a good way." Osborne Hannah "back to Granola" Schneider Danielle "the" Masor Ursula "I must preserve my name against all adaptation" Whitcher Rabi "paradoxically impelled toward evil" Whitaker David "feel the power of the dark side of the force" Bing Dan "nothing fun to say" Consiglio Sarah "I have no cute motto" Drescher Jay "Now with my own postdoc!" Scott Elliot "infallible but not omniscient" Reed Scott "need Dew" Schneider Phil "contains Phenylalanine" Stepleton (he probably does, but it's nothing to brag about -n) Amy "swil party goddess... *and* I have a tie-dyed shirt" Swift Amy' "How many days until I no lon-- Oh wait! I _DON'T_ live in Willets!!" Marinello Abigail "I may have no phone, long distance service, or ethernet, but mice are still 26.357i^2 times better than rats" Friedman Will "not silly brain seeing californians stressing. oh, does jotain? nutritious, the new back, the... I, paridoxically feel nothing! I, now infallible, need contains SWIL. How? I" Quale Arcadia "there are signs of me all over campus" Falcone Fred "www.circling.org - why Pokemon are mind-control devices" Bush Peter "...." Ma Alecia "not really here" Magnifico Jimmy "Safer sex workshops? But I'm perfectly happy being male and isn't it the safest gender anyway?" Kong -Cloak, Dagger, and (for a limited time only) Noose