From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 19:11:47 1999 Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 00:38:54 -0400 (EDT) From: Snibor Eoj To: _swat.org.swil <_swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu> Subject: SWILnews #2: Chronicles of the Revolution [If a SWILnews coming out isn't a sign of the Apocalypse, I don't know what is. Happy End of the World. -unidentified co-president] Call me Abort. I bring to you the tale of the revolution. The days were passing ever faster and the state of affairs in our dear organization SWIL was dwindling ever more and more to something to become described as DEVO. The semester was in full swing and SWIL was up to its usual habits with Live Chess, Freshman Stuffing, ungodly viewing of Star Wars, taking over Britain, and the like. This is when a conspirator, call him (no wait, them!) X. X hatched a plan to keep everything from going down this path to ruin. He approached me and said "[Abort], I have a plan! I am going to poison the hashbrowns with algebra." To which, I responded, "But everyone will get bored then and come up with silly things to do like the cup game." X said "I never said it was a good plan." Then Y approached. Y was known for cunning experiences and much foresight. Y had a plan too, one that had been brewing for millennia, with small tweaks and adjustments gave rise to "RENfaire." It had taken many manipulations of the world's socio-economic structure to produce a SWIL trip to RENfaire on that weekend, but after years and years and years of toiling it had come about. Fortunately, the silk trade had thrived in the 13th century so the SWIL trip would be on the allotted weekend, instead of the weekend after it. So X and Y cackled maniacally and rushed off to see to the absence of every non-member of SWIL from the weekend's meeting excepting three partisans who formed the necessary quorum to pass motions in SWIL style. Their wide sweeping reforms are enumerated below. All members of the SWIL community are expected to abide by these strictures. SWILbusiness: RESOLVED: by the quorum established at the SWILmeeting, using proper parliamentary procedure &. &c. -A motion to change the face of SWIL passed 3-0. So the three non-members got to work. -First, All Swil meetings have been moved to Parrish (Passed 2-1). This is just a warm up resolution. More to follow. -A motion to impeach the SWIL presidents for transporting a minor across state lines for illegal purposes failed 1-2. -The motion to shift the lowest point of sentience from Ben Williams to Tedd Goundie passed 2-0 with one abstention. - The motion to spend the entire book budget on tabloids passed 2-1. - Resolved: every movie shown by SWIL must feature Jean Claude Van Damme in some feature. Movie night will be renamed to be J.C.v.D. Memorial Cinematography Exhibition. Passed 3-0. - Immediately overriding the above motion, a motion to show Top Secret every Monday night in lieu of another movie passed 2-1. - The next SWIL meeting after the publication of these resolution must be conducted ENTIRELY in rhymed couplets. Passed 3-0. - Ben forgot a motion. We passed it 3-0 anyways. When he remembers, we'll let you know what it was. - Birdwainer was relocated to Fred's house. Rejected. 1-2. - However, the comfy couch next to Birdwainer will be moved to Ben's house, a motion which passed 3-0. - SWIL was re-defined as a religious cult subject to all laws, regulations and exemptions deriving therefrom. Passed 3-0. A committee will be established to oversee the reporting of this to the proper authorities. - Furthering the above motion, ML was established as the SWILcults religious compound. Expect a standoff with Federal agents soon. (Passed 3-0). - A policy of flagrant Anti-Knit-Wittery was established. Down with Knitting needles! (Passed, barely 2-1). War was thereafter declared and passed with the required 2/3 majority. - The entirety of the travel budget was allocated for a ticket to Bermuda for one co-president, helpfully named Abort. (Who can refuse bribery when they are so cute! -A). Passed 3-0. Heck make that 10-0! - In the upcoming Pterodactyl Hunt, the monsters will get real swords. (Passed 2-1). A committee will be established to oversee the production and distribution of said weapons to the Evil Population in Swarthmore. - All gaming will take place in Parrish Parlors. There isn't enough action there anyways. (Passed 2-1) - The entirety of the Bug Eyed Magazine, known to the populace as BEM (as in submit to-) may be dedicated to Gilbert and Sullivan. It is the very model of a modern major magazine. (Tied 1-1-1) - The idea of a Swil mascot was unanimously rejected (FAILED 0-3). - Should the idea be ever be accepted, the SWIL mascot shall be Potato Bar (Passed 3-0). - In a fit of Spontaneous Executive POWER, Abort dismembered the ENTIRE Engineering Faculty by executive rule #4. I hope they are added to the SWIL list sometime soon! A warm welcome for our newest non-members, please! - The SWIL table will be moved to the big room (Maestro please: ---). All meals will be taken in cult religious costume. Passed 2-0 with one abstention. - SWIL was incorporated becoming SWILinc, a mercenary cult! We will besiege for food. (Passed 3-0) - There will be a public sale of SWILinc stock on the New York Stock Exchange. Passed 3-0. SWL 1/4 down 1/4. - The irrational number pi was defined to be 3. The measure passed pi-0. - Then in a bold move, the old number three was moved straight back into the irrationals. This passed pi-0. - _swat.rec.dylan will be besieged (for food). Passed: pi-0 - In agreement with the concept of SWILinc as a mercenary cult, we needed missionaries. These missionaries will be sent to Student Council, The Swarthmore Conservative Union and Wharton. Volunteers are being accepted now because the motion passed pi-0. - The use of the light side of the Force has been expressly forbidden! Passed pi-0. - All posts to _swat.org.swil are now to be in the form of Mad Libs. Passed pi-0. - Ptolemeic Astronomy, Lamarckian Evolution are Aristotelian Physics are to be the official scientific policies of SWILinc mercenary cult. Passed 2-1. - A motion to move into non-SWILbusiness failed 0-1-2. The meeting then ended. So it came to pass that the face of SWILinc was change. Prepare to face a new dawn in the form of fun. Long live the REVOLUTION, Comrades! Attendance: Fred "Ha" Bush Ben "Ha Ha" Williams Unindoctrinated Freshmen -Abort