From mdb @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 19:11:30 1999 Date: Sat, 6 Sep 1997 04:41:09 -0400 From: Melissa D. Binde To: _swat.org.swil <_swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu> Subject: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! SWILnews #0 comes out on time!] In a move that shocked the world, the co-presidents of SWIL, known in their current vessels as Abort, Retry, Ignore, actually produced a SWILnews in a timely fashion. This is a rare occurence, and this issue is sure to become a collector's item. Recent delays have been attributed to difficulties in channeling to Asgard, as the Aesir have been busy for the past millenium fighting Jotuns and generally being ignored by humankind. Future delays are attributed to the fact that they haven't occured yet, so don't blame us. Recipients were shocked. "It's wonderful. In fact, it's driven me to buy a lifetime subscription for the one-time low price of $25,000, payable in cash, check, or money order to the current co-presidents. [OK, she didn't really say that, but we can dream, can't we? And that offer is really available! -R]" said one recipient who shall remain unnamed, but goes by the pseudonym "chaos". This surprising move is expected to deflate bond prices [or is that Bond prices? Will Pierce Brosnan be upset? -R] and change the value of the Dow Jones industrial average. Sell now, before the bottom drops out of the diaper industry! (This piece of financial advice is provided free of charge as a preview of our services. We are not liable for any loss of money that comes of following our advice, but are entitled to 10% of any monetary gain. This fee is waived for lifetime subscribers.) *** Fred Bush sighted in Mary Lyon dormitory! *** We have received a report of a confirmed sighting of Fred Bush in the ML dormitory on the night of August 30th. He apparently showed up to participate in an activity known as "gaming." When questioned about this report, he responded, "There have been several people passing themselves off as me, most of them extra-terrestrials. Particularly annoying is the slime mold. He keeps going to engin classes. Accept no imitations." This rare species is rarely seen outside of its native territory of campus and etymologists everywhere continue to search for a new meaning for the word "bushnoogies." Mr. Bush's mother was unavailable for comment. Had she been available, here is what we think she might've said. "He was always such a nice boy. Staying in the house, not walking anywhere he didn't have to. It can't be true! It can't be!" Then she would've bought a lifetime subscription to the SWILnews. *** RUMORS *** The hot rumors this week is that there's a small patch of the floor visible in Retry's room. "I emphatically deny these allegations," stated Retry when he confronted himself with this. He then proceeded to physically attack himself to fend off further questions. He is now receiving medical care for self-inflicted injuries. *** Language: Foul or Fair? *** The incidence of the word "ass" on campus has increased dramatically. Our crack Linguistic Investigative team is looking into this, and all leads so far seem to indicate that the nexus of such a disturbance can be found in the Sun Lab. A lot. "I'm not here right now, but please leave me a message," was the only comment of the prime suspect when we called to verify this report. *** Stokes's Theorem Still True *** At least, on most manifolds. [You didn't think we were actually going to talk about that, did you? -R] *** Aardvark Polo Club Denied Funding by Administration *** In the most blatant act of discrimination that this campus has ever seen, the Swarthmore Aardvark Polo Society (SAPS) was denied funding by the tyrranical administration of the college. In protest of this decision, members of all other polo teams at Swarthmore have stopped playing, and refuse to play until SAPS are granted funds. Founding member Joel McNary had the following to say on this tragic incident. "I think all organizations should be funded equally, but some more equally than others. And SAPS is definitely one of the more equal ones." *** Reconciliation between Dark Lord of the Sith and Jedi Master *** The Dark Lord of the Sith, better known as Darth Vader appears to have reached an understanding with his nemesis, the Jedi Master Yoda. At the very least, he seems to approve of Yoda's merchandise, since he was recently seen in the halls of ML wearing a Yoda tie. Unfortunately, when we sent a reporter to question Mr. Vader, we got back his lifeless body. He had apparently died of asphyxiation. Attempts at contacting Mr. Vader by phone were futile, as the Death Star's operators refused to put us through unless we had an appointment. Yoda is reported as having said, "About time, it is. Too long has it been, since the Dark Side did Vader go to. Hmm?" He then tried to pawn off lunchboxes on us. These are the lunchboxes we were looking for. *** Princess Diana Killed in Car Crash *** This isn't as interesting as if she'd been killed by aliens, but perhaps the driver was an extra-terrestrial disguised as Fred Bush. If Princess Di had ordered a lifetime subscription to the SWILnews, it would have now expired. Experts are puzzled as to how this will affect the SWIL co-presidents' bid for the English throne. To the best of their knowledge, nobody has topped their bid of $1.28. "I think that it's a very valid bid, considering that you are warders of, um, imaginative literature," said paradigm of virtue Seth Murray. "Don't know much about history," he then went on to sing. *** Recent Study Highlights Incredible Person *** According to a recent study, a woman gives birth to a new child every seven seconds. We have made it our goal to track down this woman for an exclusive interview. Unfortunately, all of our leads so far (a matchbook with something written on the inside cover, a Bazooka Joe comic, and an old issue of the Istanbul Times) have been dead ends. If you know this woman, or if you happen to be her, please contact us. We apologize that the Lifestyles section will not be appearing in this week's edition. It will return next spring, when someone else has to come up with this stuff. Section C: SWILbusiness *** Freshman Stuffing *** 382 freshman were stuffed after lunch on Monday. And it wasn't because of Sharples food. *** Star Wars showing *** Attendance was high at a showing of the Star Wars Special Edition Trilogy. Much fun was had, and plans are already afoot to do it again next year. *** Movies *** This past Monday, Something Wicked This Way Comes was shown to a small but appreciative audience. Here's the movie schedule for the rest of the semester: 9/8 Total Recall 9/15 The Never-Ending Story 9/22 Brazil 9/29 Anime (TBD) 10/6 The Phantom Tollbooth 10/20 The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (In Kohlberg 115) 10/27 An American Werewolf in London 11/3 Return to Oz 11/10 LadyHawke 11/17 Anime (TBD) 11/24 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12/1 Camelot 12/8 The Navigator 12/15 The Frighteners *** RenFaire *** We will be traveling to the Renaissance Faire on Saturday, September 13th. Details will be hammered out at tomorrow's meeting. (Note: there may also be a Sunday trip, depending on the quantity of people going, and interest in a second trip...) *** Activities Fair *** The Freshman Trap (aka Activities Fair) is tomorrow. As always, we will have a table, and Live Chess. There are still openings for several pieces on the board, so please take part if you can spare a bit of time. Just sign up for a piece tomorrow if you haven't already. *** Book-buying *** We will be buying new books for Birdwainer later in the semester. Due to new Budget Committee policy, we need a list of titles and prices before they'll grant us money, so start thinking of books we oughta buy. Section D: Non-SWILbusiness *** Shuttle *** The ML shuttle has started on a temporary schedule that runs every 20 minutes from 6 PM 'til midnight. The regular schedule, which will run 'til 2 AM, will begin in about a week and a half. Section D (no wait, we already did that. We'll have to move on, now.) Section E: Attendance Grid (8/30/97) chaos "first swil-meeting attendee of the year!" golubitsky anna "I'm back! Bounce, bounce, bounce!" Hess Linda - not _really_ here John - definitely _not_ all here Bob -- Is this a bad dream?? Megan "I'm begging everyone, _PLEASE_ help me move" Hallam Joel "Back from the Carolinas" McNary Sarah "I found my ghillies!!!" Piatt Heather "like yeah, California was like totally cool, dude" Weidner Kira "My own personal hell is the college bookstore" Goetschius Amy "don't hate the jukebox... it's better than karaoke" Swift Otavia "I have a contraband item" Propper Fred "We need a computer genius to align the satellites!" Bush