From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Wed May 5 11:02:22 1999 Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 08:32:24 -0500 (EST) From: Snibor Eoj To: _swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu Subject: How to kill two co-presidents with one SWILnews (#6 and 7) Imagine, if you will: It is Friday afternoon. You are sitting at your computer waiting for your two associates, Liberte and Egalite, to arrive so that the three of you can craft a secret and deadly document. However, for the second Friday in a row, these two men have not appeared. Twice the three of you planned the perfect time for the deed, twice you were left alone to carry the blame should anyone find out. Coincidence? I think not. (Actually, it is. -L) Little did you know what really was happening those Friday afternoons. Little did you know what perils those two had to undergo in silence upon pain of death (or a dramatic reading of analysis by Erik - F). Now, all will be revealed. Do not panic, for you are now entering.... The Fraternite Zone Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo (etc.) The scene: Liberte and Egalite are happily skipping down the path to Sharples after class, blissfully unaware that before this day is over, they will have to face many terrors. They give their IDs to the checker, not noticing the fiery redness in her large pupils or the manic grin spread across her greenish face. Still cheerfully talking to each other and laughing, they walk down the stairs into the dimly lit condiment area. It is empty. Slightly wondering, but unafraid, they wander into the servery area. It too is empty, no one in line, no one behind the counters, only falafels and frito chili pie quietly burbling at them. Egalite: I've got a baaaad feeling about this. Liberte : Yeah, me too. They split up; Liberte runs into the lonely small room while Egalite speeds through the evacuated big room (dum dum dum...). They meet each other in the middle room, now very confused and apphrehensive. Egalite: Liberte, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Liberte: I think so, Egalite, but doesn't rhythm have two h's? Suddenly, a voice rumbles through the building in quiet laughter. Scary voice: Repent, fools, for you will never leave Sharples alive! Bwahahahaha..... Before Liberte can protest at this theft of his favorite menacing laugh, a giant pterodactyl swoops down from the rafters and attacks. Apparently one of these creatures has escaped the fates of its brothers (well, sisters actually -F) who all fell during the very well-attended Pterodactyl Hunt. Let it be known that Melissa and Joel did an excellent job of organizing the hunt this year, and we are all grateful for their time and efforts. Somehow, Liberte and Egalite manage to kill the giant winged beast, and it falls to its death. (Be on the lookout for wing bar sometime in the near future!) As they pause to catch their breath, they notice a little lizardlike being sitting underneath one of the round tables. It appears to be muttering to itself and watching them closely. When they come closer to it, it suddenly jumps out at them and demands that they pass a test. Liberte: What sort of test? Strange creature: What test must it pass, my precious? It must... it must sing pumpkin carols! Pumpkin caroling occurred last Thursday. Those who participated met at Parlors, in full garb, and attempted to see how many Swat profs they could get to show themselves. Much fun was had by all, and the religion department claimed the coolest department of the night award for all comign to the door when we rang the bell (unlike a certain Math prof. with a warthog) Fortunately for our heroes, the strange creature is forced to give way under the ferocity of the pumpkin carols, and it wanders away, muttering to itself about Humphrey and blue noses. As he watches it go, Egalite thinks to himself that whatever that creature was, it would make a great SWILoween costume. He looks up to ask the creature the name of his tailor, but the creature is gone. (, -L) SWILoween has come and gone, leaving us with only the faint memory of newspaper in our mouths. Our thanks to Kendra for organizing the splendid event, and our apologies to Kira for desiring her blood. Let us all learn from her mistake: when someone asks you if you are mafia, you say "Yes!" Just remember to hide the sheep first. Liberte and Egalite decide to search around the servery for anything that will help them escape. As they poke the falafels carefully with forks, and open the refrigerators to see what lurks inside, they hear a distant sound. Slowly, it begins coming closer. Closer now. Even closer. Egalite: My God! It's a Zarg! One of the most dangerous aliens in the sector! The Babylon 5 marathon was held last Sunday from 9:30 in the morning to about 11:30 at night. Although only three deeply dedicated (aka deeply insane) people stayed for the entire thing, the average number of people was remarkable as was the number of non-SWILies who attended. Our undying thanks to j7 for choosing and supplying the episodes. Other news related to B5: If you are interested in a B5 T-shirt, see DaveP. The last episode of Season 3, "Z'ha'dum," was shown at j7's apartment last Monday. As of now, there is no concrete answer to the question of "What next?" Most likely, since it appears no station in the Philly area plans to take up Season 4, copies will be mailed to us somehow. Keep reading _swat.org.swil for more info. Meanwhile, the Zarg is nearly upon the two co-presidents. In a desperate attempt to save themselves, they form a makeshift gun from one of the steam vents from the ovens and a handful of falafels. Unfortunately, since this is Real Life (TM) and not TV, the gun does not work, since we all know steam + falafel != BOOM. Fortunately, since the Zarg moves about as quickly as An Annoying Pack of People Who Are Walking in Front of You When You're Late for Something (TM) (you all know what I mean! -F), Liberte and Egalite simply flee into the small room. We now pause this episode of The Fraternite Zone to bring you this commercial announcement. Are you stressed out? Looking for something to do that's fun, exciting, and free? Then why not come to the weekly SWIL movies? Just look at our great history: Last week we showed the very entertaining anime "Laputa, Castle in the Clouds" which did not feature any talking cats but did have a bunch of dopey pirates and a villain who looked just like David McCallum (I'm serious! Rent "The Great Escape" if you don't believe me. -F). This week we honored our recent Swat guest Matthew Broderick with the classic "War Games." Just how big are your floppies? And finally, next week will be the fine French film "City of Lost Children." (Or not, since nobody has it.) In the small room, two huge giants are having a fight. Liberte and Egalite look waaaay up into their faces and realize they are jere7my and Will. jere7my: PhilCon! Will: SWILCon! jere7my: PhilCon! Will: SWILCon! jere7my: We've got Frederick Pohl and Joan Vinge! Will: Yeah? Well, we've got Ed Wasser, Jeff Menges, and maybe Richard Hatch! jere7my: Oh yeah? Well you need massive help to organize things! Will: Maybe we do, but at least we don't have any hotel debates going on. Plus, we have space now, and we may have another Pterodactyl Hunt, maybe even sponsored by Renatos! jere7my: PhilCon! Will: SWILCon! The two giants look down and, seeing Liberte and Egalite there, decide to let them fight it out for them. They pick the two co-presidents up and, setting them on a long table, arm them with giant knives and napkins. Liberte and Egalite are thrown into battle with each other. The knives clash with deadly force. Again and again the co-presidents lunge at each other while the giants look on, pleased. Suddenly, Egalite slips, and Liberte jumps forward for the kill. But, as he does, Egalite turns, and the whiteness of his sweatshirt blinds Liberte who falls to the ground moaning, "My eyes, my eyes..." (, -L) A scream floats through the small room from the middle room. The two giants, intrigued, wander off in search of the source. Egalite and Liberte, now freed, jump down from the table and run into the middle room. They have arrived too late. There, on the floor lie the bodies of three pour souls who have been murdered and dismembered. Megan, who once regaled us with stories of how she was never kidnapped by aliens even though there are lots of cows and corn in New York and aliens love to mutilate cattle and leave crop formations, she is gone forever, her sentience was no use to her at the end. And Tim, who gave us a proof by linguistics, saying that the "sent" half of sentience refers to one's sense of smell, and who was duly tested by j7, he too has fallen. And finally, Amy, who joined our ranks through trial by combat, beating Liberte at hangman, now she lies at Liberte's feet (although not worshipping him -F). Alas, the carnage is too great, and the two teary-eyed co-presidents move on. We now pause briefly for the short, short version of the Non-SWILbusiness. Danny Kaye-a-thon: last Friday: The Court Jester, The Inspector General, Merry Andrew. The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. The flagon with the dragon has the brew that is spoo. Megan's sister is engaged and her apartment is clean. Woo hoo! Puckers has begun again. Thursdays. Meet at 9:45 in the Rose Garden. Some people wish to go to a sneak of Star Trek: First Contact. Read _swat.org.swil or talk to DaveP. Heather turned 18 last Friday. Happy birthday, Heather! Larry reminded us to vote. There was an election party in his apartment as well as one in ML lounge. Nickelodeon held a contest between the Munsters and the Addams family. MST3K the Movie is being shown on campus next weekend. The new speech codes aren't as bad as we thought they would be. Talk to Greg if you want to know more. (, -L) Some have expressed interest in an animethon. It was suggested that discussion of it be held on _swat.org.swil. There has been a Messiah sighting!! Let us thank the Lord for this blessing he gives unto us. The Swat library (the ville library, not McCabe) is having a book sale this weekend, (i.e. last weekend). Saturday is half-price day. Wearied, Liberte and Egalite stumble into the condiment area once again. There, lying atop the condiment bar, is a mighty Jabberwock. Determined to end this madness or die, Liberte unsheathes his vorpal sword and launches himself at the monster with a loud cry. The sword plunges into the Jabberwock's skin, and the creature rolls off the condiment bar, dead. Its blood spurts from the wound. Suddenly, Sharples workers appear and, while some thank Liberte and Egalite profusely, the others drag the Jabberwock away and hitch it to the cider fountain. Light floods the building as the doors open and the dinner crowd comes through. Liberte and Egalite look about them. All has returned to normal. Happy and tired, they walk toward the servery to get their trays. Suddenly, Egalite stops. Egalite: Oh no! Liberte: What? Egalite: The SWILnews! We forgot all about it! Liberte: Ack! You're right. Well, it's okay. Fraternite won't mind if we put it off one more week....... Attendance (10/26): Jeremy "The Unofficial SWIL non-cockroach" Dilatush Heather "Long live the Dactyl Guard!" Weidner Melissa "Now accepting propositions" Binde Anna "The Unofficial SWIL cockroach rescuer" Hess John "The greatest orc who ever lived" Finkbiner Amy "Why am I writing this?" Swift (Just because. -L) Timothy "Flower Child" Handley chaos "what the world really needs is a stiff dose of good old-fashioned eggplant worship" golubitsky Marty "Symmetry broken" Golubitsky Hannah "(a really nice face that I can't reproduce, so I'll represent it w/ one of these: =))" Schneider David "Z-7" Randall (You sank my battleship! -L) Scott "Have you seen my voice?" Price Alice "in chains" Unger Megan "back from the dead (and better than ever? -F)" Hallam Erik "Psi gently caressing from R^m to R^n, being naughtily of class C^n" Rosolowsky, aka R Larry "The Black Knight moves for no man" Miller Megan "Leaves in hair again after 10 years" Powell Elissa "Very interested" Goetschius Kira "At least I brought one person!" Goetschius Hannah "=)" Schneider Renee ((0)) Andrea "Packing a weekend into Saturday" Hall Andrew T. Bryce (and a pretty picture of a sunset through mountains) Will "Dactyl Guard o' Doom" Untereker Joel "The Absolute Power has not corrupted me. Wahahahahahahaha" McNary Kendra "Mr. Dobolina. Mr. Bob Dobolina" Eshleman jere7my "_Tame_ iguanodons? What the hell's the point?" tho?rpe Hannah "=)" Schneider Sarah "Two hours of yowling is very therapeutic" Piatt Attendance (11/2): Jeremy "I call that 'ominuts' music" Dilatush Dave "Moist towellettes are highly overrated" Mimno Otavia "I pass llamas on the way to Swat" Propper Melissa "Fred to Heather: It's your 18th birthday? Wanna celebrate?" Binde Kira " " Goetschius jere7my "Thromborhombus?" tho?rpe Kendra "Oh my" Eshleman Greg "Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da Kafka!" Ingber Cathy "don't listen to the popping yo-yos" Muller chaos "okay, i think it's time for the world to end already" golubitsky Anna "I'd feel so much safer if the room wasn't full of math and computer science majors" Hess Timothy "I'm wearing pink shorts" Handley Dave "Gasp, wheeze, grunt, moan" Phillips Andrea "Bleah" Hall Heather "18" Weidner Megan "Erik doesn't love me anymore" Hallam Will "hates hot syrup on Saturday morning" Quale Amy "Isn't this a nice quotation?" Swift Megan "Time date stamp" Powell Larry "Atonality is my gift" Miller Joel "Hey, I'm a religion major" McNary Sarah "Long live humanities majors!" Piatt --- Fraternite (et al.)