From sdyrkac1 @ swarthmore.edu Wed May 5 11:02:09 1999 Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 20:47:34 -0400 (EDT) From: Stephanie Dyrkacz To: _swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu Subject: Realists Anonymous or SWILnews #5 [ The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set. ] [ Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set. ] [ Some characters may be displayed incorrectly. ] Admit it. You have a problem. You, like so many others, are addicted to reality. You can't escape it. It's everywhere. You try to hide where reality won't see you, but it doesn't work. Nothing does. And face it: Dianetics is bunk. But don't give up yet! There's still hope. You might think that reality is your fault, but it's not. Reality is a disease, and it can be cured. We have created a program specially designed to rid you of your unhealthy dependence on reality. By following our simple 12 Step program, you too can throw off the cruel yoke of the real world. Here's how our founder, Phil Q. and his original band of merry minstrels, did it. Step 1. We admitted that reality had power over us. As a remedy for too much reality, you must immerse yourself in unreality. The simplest way to achieve this is to go to California or the Mall of America. Failing that, you can always watch movies. Films such as Mad Max and Jason and the Argonauts have provided a much-needed respite from day-to-day mundanity, as can next week's selection, Laputa: Castle in the Sky. Yes, you too can enjoy the pleasures of building castles in the sky. (Why do I suddenly have the incredible urge to belt out "Les Miz"? -F) Step 2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. There is indeed a greater Power. Reality may try to convince you otherwise, but beings such as The Great Pumpkin exist. However, The Great Pumpkin is an older deity. Some days, especially when He doesn't take his medicine, he gets cranky, and requires that people maintain his ancient rites. Since sacrificing frosh in pumpkin patches is illegal in this borough, we will resort to the backup ritual of pumpkin caroling. On October 31st, holiest night of His Austere Orangeness, at 7:30 PM, we will set forth to fill the village of Swarthmore with our cacophanous songs. (And to get candy! Mm... -L) If you want to come along, contact Liberte (jmrobins @ sccs) for more information. Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Great Pumpkin as we understood Him. And it worked! The Great Pumpkin does not ignore his followers. However, the great pumpkin is a busy comestible, and hasn't got the time or energy for really big stunts like that parting the Red Sea jazz. For us, The Noble Squash has caused our carpet squares, long believed to have passed into that big Rag Pile in the Sky, to be strewn about Tarble. (Or most of them, at least.) For this we are appropriately thankful, and have made a sacrifice of potato bar. (Have you seen it lately? Thought not.) Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We did some deep soul-searching. We found: 1 Red Tray The Lost Continent of Mu Bob Gross 32 MB RAM A small rabbit named Emelian. Then we discerned that this last item was, in fact, provided by John Finkbiner, and was used to prove his sentience. John regaled all of SWIL with his charming children's tale of power politics, political misprison, and wild rabbit lust. It was quickly decided that John was sentient, and that Emelian was more sentient. We then came to the task of dismembering the poor fellow. At first, our hearts rebelled against such a heinous act. Then the rabbit pooped on the table, and we immediately chopped it to cutlets. Step 5. Admitted to The Great Pumpkin, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We realized that SWILoween rapidly approaches, to take place on Saturday, Nov. 2, at 8:00 PM, in Sharples III. SWILoween has traditionally been a source of Truth or Dare, a common venue for talking about wrongs. We decided, instead, to tell our wrongs to those giant scarecrows in Tarble, as they are direct implements of the Pumpkin's will. In other words: NO TRUTH OR DARE! There will, of course, be much fun and frivolity, and, with luck and duct tape, the M&M game. This year, expect games of Mafia, Snort, and much, much more (but NOT Truth or Dare.) Be there, or Big Mr. Jack O' Lantern will get Mad. Step 6. Were entirely ready to have The Great Pumpkin remove all these defects of character. Since Halloween was not yet upon us, we sought him elsewhere to cleanse us. We all dressed in silly period clothes and ventured to the RenFaire to enact the ancient ritual of Atonement Through Paying A Lot Of Money To See Silly People Talk In Pseudo-English, and were thus cleansed of our iniquity. While there, we enjoyed many fine shows, jousts, and a Live Chess match that puts our own to shame. (Hey! We have no shame! -E) Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our insurance problems. And our request was granted! After discussion with Security, Will found that there are no insurance problems with the college for SWILCon. There will be a dealers' room, and there are already dealers expressing interest. So, thanks to the blessings of our Lord Gourd, SWILCon continues to move forward. If you want more information about SWILCon, or want to volunteer, contact Will and Andrea at will @ sccs. Step 8. Made a list of persons to fight reality with us. The moment we began to disbelieve the notions reality had inflicted upon us, we discovered two Pterodactyls who had long since left the realms of the real. They have now returned, however, and are planning an attack against Swarthmore. Unfortunately, there are some benighted dunderheads who feel a need to defend Swarthmore (or it could be the pizza), so we must aid the Pterodactyls against these self-proclaimed "hunters" at all costs. The final battle will take place on Friday at 8:00 PM (show up at Parlours by 7:00 to be a monster). Step 9. We decided to provide aid to those in need whenever possible. It came to our attention that there were many poor SWILfolk who had not yet been introduced to Babylon 5. We are therefore showing the best and most important episodes to allow these people a chance to catch up on the best show currently on the air (well, except for the A-Team. Still on WGN! -E). This will take place on Sunday, Nov. 3, from 9:30 AM until about 11:00 PM in Kohlberg 116. Regular showings of B5 will continue to be on Monday nights at 8:30 in jere7my's apartment, though there are rumors that that may change. (NOT to Wednesday!!! -F) Show up at Greylock 301 to watch these episodes. In addition, we are also able to order B5 t-shirts from All-U, the company that makes them. Dave Phillips has an order form and pictures of the different designs, so see him if you're interested in getting a t-shirt or sweatshirt. Step 10. We continued to take stock of our lives and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. We were wrong. We admit it. For some reason, we brought up Star Trek: Deep Space 9 in meeting. Someone said that the premiere was happening, and we took note of it. DS9. It's too late to change our actions, but we can apologize for them, and promise it won't happen again. (All right, everyone, say it with me: Don't mention it! It's EVIL!!!!! -F) Step 11. Sought through panels and discussions to enhance our state of consciousness, praying only for knowledge of good filks and the voices to carry the tunes. Obviously, this means PhilCon, which rapidly approaches. The price to attend will be $40, and it will take place on Nov. 22-24. There will be many activities totally unrelated to reality, including gaming of all sorts, panels, discussions, filksinging, and a large dealers room/art auction. To get more information, or to register, speak to jere7my tho?rpe, or look at http://www.netaxs.com/~philcon/. Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to unrepentant realists, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Every day, we gain more ground in the fight against reality. Only by concerted action can we end this world and move on to higher goals. Though there were efforts this past Tuesday to end the world, as per Bishop Ussher's prediction, it did not come to pass, and so our work must continue. We hope that we can count on all of you to aid us in our fight. Thank you, and fish. Attendance (10/5): Greg "What does a SWIL non-member know about silliness" Ingber Kira " " Goetschius Tim """""""""""" Handley Jeremy "Die foul demons of stupidity!" Dilatush Amy "what am I supposed to write here" Swift John "Boy its cold" Finkbiner Megan "happily edged-weaponry enabled" Powell (Yipe! -L) chaos "i'm a fish, dammit! call me a frosh one more time and see my wrath!" golubitsky Anna "I can't think of a quote!" Hess David "Zzz...." Phillips Will "Is that a magic wand? No, oh well..." Quale Kendra "Sometimes good things come in small packages, but big things can't!" Eshleman jere7my "Absolute power is a sticky wicket." tho?rpe ---Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite