Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 22:47:22 -0500 Subject: Parasol ants eat a special kind of fungus that can grow without SWILnews #9 Oh my goodness, it can't be! No, that's just not possible! Whatever have we done to deserve this? I know, I know. You're all wondering why you're getting another SWILnews. Yes, this breaks precedent and yes, we are now actually up to date in the writing of these things and no, it isn't all some freakish dream. The fact is that James & The Giant Peach were recently bought out by Pepsico who have since streamlined the opperation. Instead of coniving two over-worked, burnt out old hacks to spew drivel, they liscensed a machine from Microsoft that generates random sentences all involving a certain vocabulary. Thus we can now bring you three times the fun in a quarter of the time. All of this was made possible by Dr. Boris Smartguy who analyzed recent SWILnewses and discovered that the word Spam appeared in 14.7% of the sentences, gibbon in 17.3%, and Burdick in 46.2%. Dr. Smartguy concluded that with a slight margin of error, an entire SWILnews could be compiled with no more than a fifty word vocabulary. Having created several such SWILnewses via the computer, Dr. Smartguy was terminated by Pepsico's crack assassination squad for being too clever and James & The Giant Peach were put back to work. However, in order to maintain efficiency standards, the Pepsico crack assassination squad hung around Hallowell and fired at James if she tried to leave for anything but Pepsi, KFC, or Pizza Hut pan pizza. For more on the influence of megacorporations in your life contact SPAC. SWILbusiness: [Gibbon, Spam, Burdick, Spam, Art Glass, Parrish Annex] The meeting this week [Yes, THIS week! Just last Saturday! Not the a week or a month ago! This week! -TGP] got off to a slow start with a movie discussion. Since the movie for this week was going to be The Philadelphia Experiment, a less serious movie was intended for next week. Thus Cast a Deadly Spell was decided upon and will be viewed this Monday at 10:15pm as per usual. However, after watching The Philadelphia Experiment we might want to amend the declaration that we were going to see a "serious" sci-fi movie this week. Instead, I hardly think Cast a Deadly Spell will be nearly as impausible as the delightful romp through time that our wonderful Mr. Hurdeg endured. More importantly, for any of you out there who believe this movie had serious themes and character development may I reccomend The Philadelphia Experiment II. This movie is truly amazing, and the two together give a very good demonstration of the evolution of B movies over the last decade. [Gibbon, Gibbon, Gibbon, Art Glass, Fred's romantic life, Spam, Larry Schall] Next, the big topic of this week, the thing everyone is excited about, the Philcon is upon us. This weekend three cars full of fandom will leave the rose garden at 7:00 on Friday and not return until their Imaginations are sated, their bones are aching and their wallets are empty. Hurrah for the glorious folk who go forth to marvel at the wonders of the Adams Mark Hotel, and gawk at the more disturbing costumes. We expect a full report on the goings-on as well as a souvenir. Either a 5 foot broadsword or a picture of a half-naked fishwoman with really large gills would do nicely. Presumably the band will return sometime Sunday so gaming and other activities might be a wee bit under-attended this weekend. [Hey, we might have to do something cultural... Nah!! -TGP] [Josh Burdick is the Messiah, Gibbon, Gibbon, Art Glass, Dan Heider and several gnus] Eoj then brought up news of a neat sounding movie that's out in theatres now. It's called Nadia and is about everyone's favorite bloodsucking, undead, fiends of darkness, vampires! Eoj said he'd find out more, but with Philcon this weekend and Turkeyday fast approaching it seems doubtful that a full-fledged SWIL gathering will attend a showing. Hopefully some will be able to see it on their own. [please contact TGP if anybody plans to do this as he wouldn't mind going himself. -TGP] [Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Josh Burdick] Next on the agenda were two more exciting dismemberments. 1. Gregory Andrew Ingber: Choosing the path of least resistence, Greg chose to enlighten us all with a bit of philosophy. Based on the fact they to some extent we could concieve of him as a sentient thing, it was decided that to some extent he must exist as a sentient thing. The parameters of this existence were quite fuzzy. Indeed, it was realized that there was nothing to say that the sentient Greg existed in this universe. In fact, most agreed that it probably was not the Greg in this universe that was sentient. However, since SWIL never asked to prove where one was sentient, but only whether they were or not, Greg was accepted as sentient and then torn to pieces. 2. David Stone Phillips: Even though he had a really nifty middle name, Dave hard some trouble in his proof. However, after several false starts, he recieved a useful tip from an experienced non-member. "Do something silly that we can laugh at." Thus, with the help of a very enthusiastic percussion section, Dave danced quite feverishly to a Syncopated Euro-trash beat with the other Dave's plate, an object of general affection. Although the plate is still in question, the sentience of Dave was found sufficient (i.e. above that of Charles) and he was happily strewn about the room in messy bits. [Arty French film reference, Kant, Hegel, Art Glass and Spam] Fred revealed that the concept of the small convention here on Swat soil would be delayed for some time. We expect to hear more about this, perhaps after winter break. [Jeremy Dilatush replaced by an Art Glass Gibbon while Dan fiddles and Melissa burns] The final occurance of Saturday's festivities were the long-awaited nominations. Having recieved a very informative SWILnews the previous week, several parties were ready and willing to make suggestions for the all-important posts of co-presidents of SWIL. The following is a list of the nominations: 1. Brad Gabe & Aaron Brockett 2. Ross Dickson & Katie McCarthy 3. Lord Julius' Goat 4. Colin Schatz & Philq the Flamingo 5. Fred Bush & Joe Robins 6. Ripper & Rimmer 7. Stephanie Dyrkacz & Melissa Binde 8. The Art Glass & The Sundial 9. Alastair Thompson & Audrey Walton-Hadlock Surely, a fine bunch of prospects of ever there were some. Incidentally, the nominations took place early this year due to things like Philcon and Turkeyday. However, if anyone is still interested in making nominations please contact James at ltsina1 in order to register them. The week after Turkeyday we will be having platforms so that each of these fine individuals can explain how they wish to improve SWIL. It is worth noting, however, that anyone who claims that SWIL is not all that it could be will undergo reprograming from the current administration. Elections will occur the week following platforms. Pencil these things in now, you have been warned. [Kendra Eshleman is mafia because of the Spam Art Glass Gibbon Conspiracy, reports Larry Schall] That's about it for SWILbusiness, although it might be a good idea to find out how many folks will be about over Turkeyday and whether or not there will be a meeting. Otherwise, all seems calm here and things are right peachy. [Mmmmmmmmmmmm , Peach] Non-SWILbusiness: Not much, as per usual. James did a bit of singing about birds and promised more original filking at the inauguration. This is not a threat and all of you ought to come anyway. Also, there was gaming, movie watching, and a fall formal but other then that people basically just closed themselves up in cocoons and waited for spring. This SWILnews brought to you by the letters G, I B, O, N, S, P, A, M, B, U, R, D, C, K and the number H. Attendance: (10/11/95) Kendra " Kendra"Roof pig! THAT's unexpected" Eshleman, jere7my "I don't tap to attack!" tho?rpe, Fred "brief interlude from College Bowl" Bush, Erik "Keeper of the Sacred Barley" Rosolowsky, David "Death to Mortals!" Phillips, Ben "Who's the new guy?", Stephanie "12 freaking messages from Cornellians!" Dyrkacz, Snibor "Sessalc yna t'nerew ereht fi nuf erom hcum os eb dluow Taws" Eoj, Colin "Propagandist for Absolute Irresponsibility Party" Schatz, Andrea "Cough, Hack, Choke" Hall, Jessica "the bitch is back" Harbour, Larry "Jungle Boogie" Miller, Greg "MC Q TIP" Ingber, -James & The Giant Peach