Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 16:33:48 -0500 Subject: Chairman Peach Leads the Happy Workers in Song (SWILnews #10) Hello there, James is off doing laundry and that leaves me here to entertain you with thoughts of my own. Here are a few of them: 1. Everything would be a lot calmer around Swat if everybody showed up at Al Bloom's house every day at 3:00 for a plastic thing of OJ with a pull top and a couple of nutter-butters. 2. From the Dupont side, Kohlberg Hall looks like a blocky UFO from an Atari 2600 game, the name of which escapes me at the moment. 3. The fact that Nietzsche quotes are appearing inside fruit juice caps probably indicates a cultural malaise. 4. Hugh Grant can be a bit menacing when you're all alone in a room and he's looking at you from behind that rougish lock of hair that is always falling down over his left eye. [TGP notices a large colorful object out of the corner of his eye... what is it? Noooooo, it can't be-- it's James "Rods & Pods" Universal Construction KitT. With a whoop of joy and a cheerful snort he empties the cannister and begins constructing a universe of his own from just a few simple building elements. He constructs bridges, dams, WPA Opera Houses, and products for the masses using spit and ingenuity. James returns, displeased to find him spitting on her toys. The Peach, however is too wrapped up in this "fun", "recreational", "educational", "inventive", "creative", "interactive" and most importantly "developmental" process to notice. James, nonplussed, pops in the soundtrack to "Barcelona" on the CD player and the two of them busily construct new worlds while listening to "Una Lacrima Sul Viso", with James humming the lyrics and Don doing the bird calls. The following is a transcript of their afternoon.] SWILbusiness: [Nice truck...-J] [It's not a truck, it's a tool of war! -TGP] Well, it was a long time coming, and it'll be a long time gone, but we finally got to show _Krull_ as the weekly movie thanks to the quick reflexes of Larry who taped it off of HBO. Having viewed the entire work in all its majesty several of us were left with a deep feeling of satisfaction. Others, however, were troubled and lonely souls wandered home from Martin Monday night still pondering: "But that wasn't a glaive... a glaive is a polearm... or maybe a short sword... I'm confused..." The previous week we showed _Sleeper_ a very funny Woody Allen movie that indicates the sort of women he is generally attacted to. While this film was a little bit high-brow for the general SWIL audience, we persevered and came out of it relatively unenlightened although jere7my was seen in convulsions some time later on the steps of Greylock Apartments. Plans to install an OrgasmatronT in Kohlberg Hall have begun under the direction of Fred Bush with Larry Miller in charge of testing. For all those of you who have been enjoying these events next week's is sure to be a treat as we visit with our good buddy Ming The Merciless along with Flash Gordon. Not only is this one of the most famous of comedic sci-fi, but it also possesses one of the most amazing sound tracks of all time. [FLASH... ahahhhh! -TGP] Please come and bring friends as this is sure to be a good time for all. [My faceless workforce won't stand up! -TGP] At Saturday's meeting we were swamped with publications as the SWAPAnds made their annual fund-raising drive. Although they didn't make any money, we all got a good long look at a real, live SWAPA and were forced to chase several who formed a phalanx and attacked the condiment bar. All those who might be interested in joining should talk to Jim Moskowitz or Kendra Eshleman. Anyone who might be interested in Kendra should speak to jere7my. [Get away from my ferris wheel! -J] Larry mentioned TickFix and then explained that we now have a video library composed entirely of things he has felt like taping. This is a promising sign and others are planning to further the effort soon. Apparently we have about 35 tapes at last count, thirty or so were blank and in need of entertaining video content. [They're not antennae, they're guns! -TGP] Jessica Lin Harbour, inmate 0417547, was dismembered this past Saturday having proved her sentience. Categorizing the two typical methods of proof, logic and humiliation, she discounted herself from the first on the grounds that she is a humanities major. While it is true that Logic is a philosophy course, everyone agreed that this was really an insideous plot by the Math department to infiltrate Papazian and corrupt it from within. Jessica then went on to explain her previous accomplishments in the humiliation department including cheering in the SWIL room (with pom-poms) and dating Eoj. Finally, we realized that Jessica had proven her sentience via filibuster and righteous indignation. Furthermore, she was willing to bribe a judge and, after a quick unneccesary SWILvote, was ripped into little bits. [I've got pieces I can't use!!! -TGP] Having dealt with everything else, the meeting quickly became political as various parties set in motion the finely tuned machine that is the SWIL political machine. The ballot next Saturday will have a whopping 13 sets of candidates. Everyone MUST show up Saturday or you will miss out on your chance to shape the face of SWIL in the year to come. Here is a summary of the platforms: 1. Brad & Aaron: 1. They are no where in the area so we will have free reign. 2. They aren't coming any time soon, Aaron has proven this during his past co-presidency. 3. Brad plays the piano... Bill Clinton plays the sax. 4. They have facial hair which is a requirement for election. (Don, jere7my, Aaron, Lesley, Melissa) 2. Ross & Katie: 1. They'll be quiet and not bother anyone. 2. Ross will not dance naked on the table in Sharples. 3. Ross may dance on the table with Kendra if Evan gets naked. 3. Lord Julius' Goat: 1. Will dispel all DU/SWIL comparisons. 2. Will support gaming, videos, books, etc... 3. Won't hide his actions behind a nickname. 4. Colin & Philq The Flamingo: 1. The q is silent. 2. SWIL is already full of hot air and co-presidents should be representative. 3. SWIL loves inflatable toys... and Philq too. [They're "recreational", "innovative" and most importantly, "developmental".-J] [J & TGP begin to build an idolatrous image of Josh Burdick out of Rods and Pods.] 5. Ripper & Rimmer: 1. They will kill DU. 2. Boring, yet lethal. 3. They will do well dealing with the space people. 4. Any other vote is "UNACCEPTABLE." 6. Art Glass & Sun Dial: 1. Vote for them while they last. 2. Al Bloom doesn't like them so they must be doing something right. 7. Alistair & Audrey: 1. "I'm leaving, I won't come." 8. Evan & Audrey: 1. "I never see him, though he lives next door." 9. Andre and Joel: 1. Frequent trilogy showing. 2. More legos. [Or Rods and Pods, for that matter. Mmmmm, Rods and Pods. -J & TGP] 3. Complete takeover of campus. [Uh, pardon me guys, but this has already been done. -TGP] 4. Support given to Pittsburgh in exchange for New Jersey. [My birthplace? How dare you! -J] 5. Cosmic entered as Winter Olympics sport. 6. SWIL regatta anyone? 7. Will open Kohlberg Hall for classes. [But this conflicts with all our plans! -TGP] 8. They will get rid of the goat. 10. Melissa & Jim & Kendra: 1. They will drive SWIL to Staples. 2. They will put on a cover. 3. They will staple it using industrial strength staples. [Free body piercing, woo hoo! -J] 11. Jessica & Megan (Token southern belle opposition) 1. They will turn Swat into Atlanta. [Does this mean we can burn it to the ground? -TGP] 2. Regular Braves updates. 3. Institute a renovation plan for Parrish, gold with Dixie on top. 4. Everybody gets to go to the Olympics. 5. "Whomp'em upside the head" 12. Don & Lesley: 1. We will not graduate. 2. We will take the titles Apathy & Malice and act accordingly. 3. Weekly blood sacrifices will be kept to a minimum. 4. Free body piercing. 13. Fred & Joe & Steph: 1. More dissention. [Wrong! -TGP] [No way! -J] [Hmm. We seem to be in consensus. How strange. -TGP] [Yeah, right... -J] 2. They'll stop doing all the activities they've been trying to do up 'till now. (SWILcon, Magic, Bathing) 3. They'll be on time for meetings. [Hey man! Time is relative. -J] 4. The spectre of SWILcon will continue to hover like a dark plague of locusts. 5. They have always been honestly insincere. 6. In keeping with SWIL tradition, Steph will grow a beard. So those are the fabulous platforms. If you were bewildered then they have done their job. Tune in next week when we get the results of the election and Josh Burdick says: "I coulda been a contender!" And smites several of the foremost candidates. Non-SWILbusiness: Folks hung out. There was some big dance thing. Redraft for Magic League has been scheduled for some time after we return. James was absolutely FABULOUS as a person on a train and also directed something about a ferris wheel. [Hey, didn't you get any of the depth and meaning and incest in that one-act? -J] [Er, no, but nice props. -TGP] She has another play going up Saturday through Tuesday at 8pm, call 328-8200 for reservations, believe us, she has many. [Angered by their exploitation at the hands of despotic foreman Peach, the Rods and Pods rebel: toppling his two-story scyscrapers to march stridently for the cause of building elements' rights. They incite the cinderblocks to riot and Hallowell is awash in chaos. The moorings of the former Swedish Prison Complex begin to quiver and soon it becomes apparent that the entire structure is sliding leewards into the Crum and, miraculously, begins to float. Where will this bastion of fully self-conscious building materials end up? No one knows for sure, but we can hope that it will be a world that's a little brighter, a little happier, a little less like Swarthmore. In the meantime, strains of the Marsellaise can be heard as James & The Giant Peach are swept along with the rebellion to possibly warmer waters.] Attendance: (12/2/95) Dan Wells, Megan "Can you imagine... NO!!" Hallam, Audrey Walton-Hadlock, Fred "the Cuban who walked into Swarthmore and came out confused" Bush [next time try opening the door first -J], Jessica "Blood, death, devastation, war, and horror" Harbour, Melissa "Andre'smy invisible Peruvian lover since Sept. '94" Binde, [The seal?! Gives a new meaning to Sealed With a Kiss...-J & TGP] Erik "Skirts are a drag" Rosolowsky, Josh "Radio Control/ Drone Launcher" Smith, Will "this must be some of mistake- I actually woke up before Monday!" Quale, Snibor "Em margorper t'nod! Hsoj, timmad!" Eoj, Larry "Still Bitter After All These Years" Miller, Elizabeth "Dark, throbbin' heart" Christian, David "Alicia Silverstone should come to Swat" Randall - the Puritan Pirate Sam "I want an axe. Philq, meet axe." Weiler, "A vote for me is a vote for" Jim Moskowitz, [this is not a vote -J] Greg "El Fascisto" Ingber, jere7my "Oh, the stalagmites and vicious vertebrae hunt the stalactites while laryngitis play." tho?rpe, Kendra "If elected I will drive SWIL to Staples, collate the pages, affix a cover and fasten with industrial staples." Eshleman, Ben "My tooth? You can't handle my tooth!" Williams, Joel "PITTSBURGH" McNary, Andrea "I can't believe it's not a full moon" Hall, [We secretly replaced her lunar stage with Folgers Crystals. -TGP] [And she's still growing unsightly body hair and howling -J] -James & The Giant Peach