Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 06:11:05 -0500
To: _swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu
From: ltsina1 @ cc.swarthmore.edu (Lesley Tsina)
Subject: Hanna Schygulla gives a brilliant performance as the stunning, willful
 Maria whose marriage is haunted by illicit passion and SWILnews #11

Right, having written our longest title yet we move on to break new records
in L & TG SWILnews installments. First up, most insightful reference to a
Rainer Werner Fassbinder commentary on post-war Germany:

        "Sort of like a cross between a Quentin Tarantino flick and the
Muppets Take Manhattan."  
                        -TG (who has never seen it.)
        "The most fun you can have clothed and in German."
                        -L (who has seen it and subsequently based her
life's goals upon it.)

As for SWILbusiness, this week is just jam-packed with all manner of
organizational gobbledygook and trivial things that are better left unsaid.
As such, most of the important information will be coded as usual in the
form of inane babble between L and TG.

First off, we must discuss *GIBBONS* as it is probably the most important
*GIBBONS,PLANARIAN* of the year. We believe we can manage to
*SPAM,SPAM,SPAM* without too much *CHARLES,GIBBONS,SPAM*. Hopefully this
will all go better than it did last year. In any event, should anything go
wrong, meet at *PARRISH ANNEX* before *INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY* or we
will assume that you are *LORD JULIUS'S GOAT*.

Secondly, this coming week we shall be holding both platforms and
elections. Here we have a brief overview of the candidates:

Fred Bush & Eoj Snibor:
        Without a doubt the cutest couple o' candidates in recent history,
these two button-nosed devils are expected to make it big in the Snicks and
Snails and Puppydog Tails department.

Salt Shaker & Pepper Shaker: 
        These two popular condiment dispensers have taken the club by
storm, bringing rapture and bliss, along with some insightful new ideas in
the fields of ornamental horticulture and cold fusion.

Lord Julius's Goat:  
        Everyone's favorite barnyard animal came out strong with a powerful
endorsement from a chain of juice vendors who plan to paint him festive
colors and use him for a mascot. Josh Smith also endorsed the
soon-to-be-orange Julius.

Aaron Hertzmann & Julianna Patrick:
        Aaron and Julianna are running on the Schrodinger's ticket, as it
is impossible to determine in any one semester how fast one of them is
going, if you know where the other one is.  Houston , Texas and Edinburgh,
Scotland have been contracted to keep them stationary for a semester each.

Brad Gabe & Aaron Brockett:
        Last year's favorites are expected to triumph overwhelmingly this
year as the Patrick McGoohan factor  has been removed.

Ivanova & The Technomage:
        Undoubtedly the most lethal pair since Bondage & Discipline, these
two plucky youngsters plan to win the office or incinerate everyone. Sounds
like a savvy political strategy to me.

Larry Miller & Elizabeth Christian:
        What need be said about these two. Safe to assume that when the
Most Fluorescent Object gets together with a woman who likes to talk to and
hurl rats in her spare time there's gonna be hell to pay.

Lesley Tsina & Don Lehr:
        "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
        "Uh, I think so Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a
hose at this hour?"

So there's the list, and outside of these eight tickets you will never find
a more wretched hive of scum and villany. Platforms will be presented at
the meeting, with about five minutes for all who wish to defend their right
to rule. Afterwards we shall have the actual voting involving an arcane
form of mathematics to tabulate the numbers. Now, for the exciting news.
Since the seminar meeting starts at 11:30am and L needs to be at a
Drama-ish tech rehearsal  at 12:30pm, that gives us about a half-hour
window from noon until 12:30 to have the platforms. We have considered
various requests to allow proxies for those who can't make it. The people I
have spoken to say this is a good idea, but if anyonehas a problem we can
have a vote at the meeting. In any event, all current SWIL non-members
interested in voting through proxy should send e-mail to ltsina1 with your
top five choices ranked 1 through 5. Wait, L thinks this might be vaguely
unethical, so send it to jthorpe1 also for verification. jere7my is no
longer a student, and doesn't even know until he reads this that he has
been given this dubious responsibility. We hope this ensures his ability to
tabulate these votes. All those who believe this whole thing is troubling
should either open discussion on _swat.org.swil or bring concerns with you
to meeting. Also, anyone who can think of a better way to do this in the
next three days feel free to e-mail L and TG about it.

****Warning, having just written the following paragraph, we realize that
it contains material that may be unsuitable to certain SWILfolk. Parental
caution is advised as we tend to sound a bit like real Swat students at
times.****
        Speaking of complications, and discussion, there has recently been
a good deal of it regarding SWIL's role as an institution at Swarthmore
College. Although we have been able to confirm that SWIL IS an institution
at Swarthmore College, albeit with minimum security, it is uncertain what
role we should play. Recently there has been a request to involve the
organization in a coalition protesting the Californian measure 187. Without
getting into the details of the debate there are basically two camps of
thought. One is that SWIL has a responsibility to the community it is a
part of and hence should voice opinions and be involved with actions of a
political, humanitarian nature. The other, cites the importance of SWIL's
apolitical character as a haven for people who want to relate in a
comfortable and relaxed environment. Also, there are people who question
the validity of the protest itself, instead choosing to support, or at
least condone the measure. In any case, though many of you probably didn't
need this bit of seriousness in your otherwise honey-coated toasted dreck,
we thought it best to inform the dinosaurs and anyone not paying attention
to debate on the net. There will be discussion/voting of the issues
involved here at this coming Saturday's meeting. However, due to the fact
that this Saturday is already a busy time, it may be necessary to have
these matters carry on to further weeks. We hope that all those concerned
will see this not as a weak bureaucratic compromise, but simply as a way by
which to expedite the matter without closing our ears to anyone's opinions.
****Sorry for the inconvenience. This is only a test. We now return you to
your regularly scheduled SWILnews****

        There was blood!
        
"Oh tell me Papa smurf, was there much blood and gore?"
"Why yes, you little nipper, sit right down here and I'll tell you tales of
guts and grizzle to curl that weird round little tail thing of yours."
"Oh goody, pass the chips!"
        
        To no one's surprise, Morgan Baker began his trial by announcing
that he was growing wings.  When it was quietly pointed out to him that
this is no incredible feat, to quote Aaron Hertzmann, "Birds do it, bees do
it..." [Why Aaron had to tell Morgan about the birds and the bees remains a
subject of some debate. -TG] [It's a Cole Porter song. -L] [Look, I don't
care if it was a certified pediatrician's quote. My point is simply that
this sort of filthy education is best left out on the playground! -TG] he
responded, "I'm _willing_ myself to grow wings" and demonstrated the use of
his rudimentary stumps with great aplomb. Having proven that not only could
he make an obscure comment, but carry it beyond any normal level, and
having similarities to Opus (see "A Wish for Wings That Work" by Mr.
Berkley Breathed) he was voted sentient and rather dextrous. Then we ripped
him apart, unfortunately tearing off said wings in the process. 

        Dismemberment number two almost did not take place, while the
victim involved, Elizabeth Weber, was almost mistaken for a rather
reticient slime mold.  But lo and behold, she sprung eye stalks and
primitive flagella such that she could manipulate tools in a scientific
manner.  By stealthily demonstrating plate tectonics to a rapt, if divisive
audience, she earned the right to be stored in pieces in little glass jars
for the rest of her photosynthetic life. Charles Danforth and the rest of
the scientific community were rattled by Ms. Weber's deft demonstration
having previously refused to believe in the theory of plate tectonics,
prefering to hold with the theory that the entire planet was simply the
waste product of a giant cosmic space hamster with a moody digestive tract.
For further information contact NASA at extension 3886.999991745 [Damn
Pentium chip! -L]

        Fred announced that SWIlcon will take place on April 1st and 2nd.
(Sat and Sun.)  He has amassed a small band of staffers (Larry, Kendra,
Besh, L, et al) whose zealtory is truly frightening, not to mention the
mess they leave after the sacrifies they make to their self-appointed deity
and his various dates.  But further discussion needs to be held over when
and where such an event should be advertised and  negotiations with the
college had better take place pretty darn soon if x number of non-Swat
students are going to storm the campus that weekend.  A decison on the type
of con and a realistic assesment of the type of attendance that SWIL could 
logistically deal with should also be made in the coming weeks.  Watch this
space ( ) for further developments.

        One other piece of SWILnews, there was advanced discussion on a
reading of _Lord of the Rings_ for reading week/weekend/moment and it was
decided that this would be decided on next meeting. Things to watch out for
is a delegation of people to organize food and stuff and a decision about
time and locale. From previous experience I would recommend this take place
in ML breakfast room if for nothing else then the looks on the faces of
people coming in at 7:00 am for breakfast and seeing a bunch of
sleep-deprived half-crazed lunatics in their jammies babbling about
hobbits.

        In order to segue between the SWILbusiness and Non-SWILbusiness L
will now compose a small poem....

haiku regarding Mr. Lehr's deviousness

Donald Pierpont Lehr
If I had a gibbon, man,
There'd be hell to pay.

Non-SWILbusiness:
Senior Company was nifty.
Story Reading and much gaming took place over the weekend with dinosaurs
Josh Smith, Laura Almasy, Jay Scott and Luke.  Jacob Mattison also was
around and said hello.
Bhadrika Love's address, for any  dinosaurs who don't have it, is
jazznco @ asylum.sf.ca.us.
In the Chorus Concert, people were reported to have sung. Woop!
Neil Gaiman was at legends without us, alas.
Life then continued in the same meaningless fashion it has for the last eon
or so.
Magic League.  [call him  Mr. Terse tonight. -L]

And now, before giving everyone's favorite part of the SWILnews, TG shall
provide a bit of poetry of his own.

Tsina in Haiku

Lesley Tsina yells
dashes caution to the wind,
SWIL ignores her cry. [ouch! -TG] [Try again, bucko! -L]
knocks TG from chair.

ATTENDANCE: (12/3/94)

Laura "Two Robots at one blow" Almasy, Megan "Got to keep moving, got to
GET THROUGH THAT DOOR" Hallam, Morgan "Sweet potatos are better than BVDs"
Baker, Aaron "::" Hertzmann, Elizabeth "ended up in fucking Belgium"
Christian, Colin "I'm _not_ a pizza! (no comments please,) Schatz [I am the
egg man -TG] [I am the walrus-L]}, Ross "Wogga Wogga Wogga" Dickson, Kendra
"Fire trucks. 10AM.  Aaah ..." Eshleman, Fred "only a groundskeeper, only a
groundskeeper.  Hay, a beheading sword!" Bush [Happy Birthday, Fred! -L],
Jay "Evening at Dilworthtown" Scott, Jeremy "Attacked, captured, looted,
pillaged, and had impolite references to my ancestry made by a marauding
pack of teddy bears." Dilatush, Elizabeth "Heavens to Betsy!" [Hells
toTamsin Lorraine, Limbos to Charles, Purgatories to W.B. Yeats. - L]
Weber, Josh "Vote the goat!" Smith, Melissa "can't...do...paisley!" Binde,
Stephanie "can't... do... polka-dots" Dyrkacz, Andrea "The lemmings are
back" Hall, BETSY "can't...do...-oh Gawd, Never mind." [I'll just go become
Camille Paglia's love slave. -L :)] Bruch, Snibor " Peels, emos nettog dah
I hsiw I!  Derit I ma yob!" Eoj, Charles "Gibbon Ribbon" Danforth, Erik
"the amazing Crazy eddie" Rosolowsky and lackey, Alice "not here to sign
the list" Unger, Larry "Flung myself mercilessly into the pit." Miller,
Julianna "Doorjam!" Patrick*see Megan, Chris "Generation W" Cobb, jere7my
"Koko in torpor! Hee ha!" tho?rpe, Katie "                                 
" Mc Carthy.

                                      -Literature & The Grotesque