Note: Edited to remove a name due to Googling. ( - Miles miles@milesskorpen.com , 2009 ) From handler @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Oct 5 22:34:36 2004 Date: Tue, 5 Oct 2004 22:30:15 -0400 (EDT) From: Mark Handler Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: SWILnews Subject: Robinson SWILnews No. 5 Summary: Titles Awarded: Exexchequer of the Back Stairs - Alex Pshenichkin Mister Joy - Chris White Mini Evil - Lisa Spitalewitz Sentience Proven: Analise Bradford Lauren Smith Lisa Spitalewitz SNS 23 October: Storyreading - Kohlberg comfy room SWILmovie 18 October: Labyrinth SWILoween: 29 or 30 October, to be run by Andrew, Finlay, and Jamison *************************** * Robinson SWILnews No. 5 * *************************** I'm all alone. I've created a puppet presidency to call the meeting to order. The rabble is quite pathetic, but the monkeys make quite a racket at night. It's strange. I dream I hear applause, but I know not the source of this sound. I suppose I should start at the beginning. I was en route to the ceremony commemorating the Order of the Foam Sword, at which Sarah H, Jackie W, Andrew B, and Ben N were to be knighted. However, my ship was caught in a storm and I was washed ashore on this deserted island. I will attempt to chronicle my daily occurrences and outline the events I feel I am missing, in order to maintain my sanity. I am quite dismayed at having missed Saturday Night SWIL, involving Red Light Green Light, Wink, and Brownies. Thankfully Jamison took a different ship to the store, and wasn't caught in the storm. I tried playing Red Light Green Light myself, but, while the palm trees were very good at standing still, they never managed to make any progress and tag me. They didn't understand the rules to wink, and were unable to get in a position where they weren't putting any weight on the soles of their roots. Hopefully I'll be rescued before SWILoween. SWILoween will be during the weekend of Oct 29/30, exact date TBA. MLoween is Oct 30, a vote will be taken as to whether SWILoween will be the same or the other night. SWILoween is a night of SWIL hanging out in the WRC. Andrew, Finlay, and Jamison are running the event. The good thing about being stranded on a desert island is that I'll have plenty of time to submit to BEM. I am, however, unable to make Andrew order books. I also have no reading material, so I am unable to determine whether I'm illiterate or not. The shelter I've built is quite clean and orderly. George, SWIL's storage space in Parrish, is not. This will be corrected at some point. I've unfortunately missed the showing of Hellboy at 10 PM Monday in SC199. I, however, do have a great view of the stars out here on my island, away from light pollution. After break, when I anticipate being rescued, Saturday Night SWIL will be a Storyreading, in the comfy room on the 2nd floor of Kohlberg. A few natives wandered by. Having nothing better to do, I proved them sentient and converted them to polymonoathiodeism. By Rule 5, Analise Aletta Bradford is eligible to be sentient. She has an evil nemesis, Jackie. Evil nemesis are intellectual equivalents, since Jackie is sentient, Analise is also sentient. This was too simple. Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb. But how do we know that they're evil? Cat ears imply evil, and Analise is wearing cat ears. We know cat ears imply evil because Lisa is wearing cat ears. We voted on Lisa's evilness. We found here evil because she, as the cat, turned on both sides. But first, we needed a minimum standard of evil. Since having a minimum standard of evil would be a bad idea, the minimum standard of evil is the minimum standard of evil. Jackie hates us all, but bitter and whiny is not the same as evil, and she stole that from Chris. Jesus slash puppet shows are not necessarily evil. There was a stalemate. Do nemeses have necessarily have equal intelligence? For example, nerds are smarter than jocks. Jackie is Miss Chastity, therefore she is a paragon of virtue who only wins by dumb luck. Lisa provided a X-rated origami book. Jackie slept, demonstrating her virtue. This might have been because she hates math. Analise failed to gut Jackie with a spoon. In addition to having cat ears, Analise has pig tails. Therefore, she's a cat-pig, which is a monstrosity unto nature, and therefore evil. She also can meoink. We voted her sentient because she meoinked. Lauren R S started by citing the Finlay proof (see SWILnews #4). She's a main character because she's well developed. Finlay claimed that Lauren is a collection of various facades and has no substance. Lauren countered by claiming the same about Finlay. Lauren said she had a house and a family, who are well-paid actors with nice sets. Her father was never around, but supported them, and was therefore a supporting character. Finlay is the main main character. Finlay countered that Kit also has background. However, he's a Mary Sue, and naturally, Finlay would know his background. Lauren is not a Mary Sue, because she's not as improbably cool as Kit. But Finlay knew Lauren first as well. But so did Lisa. So we need to use Lisa's standard of judgment, but can we use a non-sentient's judgment. Someone asked if she's in a book, can she burn? Lauren said she wasn't in a book, but rather an internet fanfic, because there's so much sex. Therefore it's the slash fiction of her freshman year. Jamison went to destroy the internet to see if she'd disappear. Matt suggested that the proof needed lemmas. Somewhere in the ensuing chaos, she smacked Matt. Only a main character would be stupid enough to not fear Matt, and thus smack him. Therefore she was a title character, or an ex-title character. Like Buffy. But they killed Buffy. Has she had a near-death experience? Well, she once got bit by a ostrich. The proof stalled at this point. Therefore we decided to postpone the proof until next week, to annoy her. But since she doesn't want to prove sentience, proving her sentient will annoy her. She points out that she has a wardrobe, and a boa. We voted her sentient, and discussed the possibility of having her sentience revoked. We took the boa. Lisa Mira Spitalewitz thinks she isn't sentient. She has a 0 on the SWIL purity test, therefore she doesn't exist. However, she isn't ~Elliot. However, if she were proven sentient, her purity score would become -1, forcing her existence. We voted her sentient so that she'd be sentient. We took her square root, making her imaginary. (I want comments, even though I wasn't there -v) (Can you put what I said in the comments? -v) (Not that -v) (Do you want me to say it again? -v) (It's not clever anymore. It might not have been clever in the first place -v) (I was just suggesting we add the negative imaginary Jackie to the negative imaginary Lisa and see what happens. Maybe we should subtract them instead -v) (I'm not adding comments. Comments aren't fun if you don't have to say them. -v) (You have to put in the thing you said first otherwise it won't make sense. -v) (I hate you Mark -v) (*something between a giggle and sob* -v) (You have socks in your trash can -v) (It had a hole in it -g) I've passed the time by dreaming up titles for people. Alex P is the Exexchequer of the Back Stairs. Chris's official title is Mister Joy. Lisa S is MiniEvil. Michael Karcher, why do you torment me by sending me a message in a bottle? You say that you're a cheating bastard and you've won the lottery. Atlas Shrugged is what you deserve. The afternoon of my shipwreck, there was gaming in ML with Will and Jim and not the LSATs. UberMatt would be happy here. There are mo:n:k:eys. He likes Mo:n:k:eys. Noda is fucking lazy. It wasn't good for lazy. I was rescued by calling the meeting to order at 1.06 PM. "Long live our puppet masters!" -Alex ATTENDANCE LIST OF THE ONE-WINGED DACTYL Meredith "Whiny Blond With a Big-Ass Sword" Conforti Brown Sarah "Why don't we have dactyl licenses?" Hartman Uber "How did I become an adult?" Matt Michael "My name is Inigo Spondoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Noda Tim "The slayer of styrofoam Jaberwockies" Whalen Finlay "suffering from breakfast angst" Logan Ben "and the Hydra grows another head!" Newman Analise "waaaaaahhhhhhgggg!" Bradford Jackie "..." Werner Jerome "A squire! A squire!" Fung Eliza "Escher the reject Ninja Turtle" Blair Alex "Heironymous Bosch the Bizarro Ninja Turtle (of Doom)" Pshenichkin Megamat "Not Uber" Pshenichkin *scribble* "Dorp didotty Finlay will join the quest" Jamison Scott "I am a poopyhead" Storm (maybe you should see a doctor about that -g) Mike "life drainer, soul-stealer" Karcher Emmanuelle "I'm still very confused" Wambach Joe " " Grimm Sam "Desperate for a nickname" Blazek Kit "Because Mendez isn't here, CRUXIS!" La Touche Oliver "half-goat cookware fetishes" White Jim "turf cutter for the Kerry campaign" Moskowitz Lauren "R***" S**** (that's uncreative, using one's legitimate middle name -v) George "The Main Event" Dahl (you skipped Lisa -v) Lisa "Apparently still on the meal plan" Spitalewitz Daniel "i hate you and your kind" Klothe George "I'm not bald enough to be here" Dahl George "Season 4" Dahl Daniel "George wrote this one" Klothe George "Then why is it your handwriting?" Dahl Daniel "I hate George and his kind" Klothe George "I guess we have a situation here" Dahl Daniel "Ouch! Ouch! Let me go!" Klothe SOCK ON "MAI PUCIK" MARK'S LEFT ARM SOCK ON "JILLIAN WALDMAN" MARK'S RIGHT ARM MARK "HAPPY DEAD DACTYL" HANDLER (Can we poke happy dead dactyl -v) (Who's we Quemosabe? -g) (Can I have a qustion mark after what I said -v) (And an e in question -v) Michael "Interesting...Jillian and Andrew actually are interchangeable for SWILmeeting..." Cohen (What was Andrew doing on your right arm? -v) (Check the incest web -g) (Should we get Mai up here to say (EWW Marksex -t) -v) All these things, with some very surprising incidents in some new adventures of my own, for ten years more, I shall give a farther account of in the Second Part of my Story. -Grande, with apologies to Daniel Defoe