From daniel @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Jun  3 22:29:56 2003
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 18:49:49 -0500 (EST)
From: BDan Fairchild 
Reply-To: Presidents 
To: The SWIL List:  ;
Subject: The Late SWILNews #8

Dear Commissioner,

As you know, the circumstance surrounding the death of SWILNews #8 are
extremely mysterious.  Although there were many witnesses, two of whom were
taking notes, the reports are often confused, or even contradictory.  (But
everyone agrees, or should, that Elijah Wood is hot! -s)

Sometime before the beginning of SWILMeeting, Rachel observed that there
were a large number of people, and that since John was also taking notes,
she didn't feel compelled to do a good job.  If we accept the theory that
the death was a SWILNewsicide, the killers may well have been in the room at
this time.
 
John remarked at 12:10 that there was peanut butter ice cream, and that
Laura believed this was worthy of note.  He also noted that the doors were
closed at this time.  (And we packed the small room, thanks in part to
Comma's fast-talking dining services. -s) ("we've been working through the
alumni office. -k) (Which in no way detracts from the appearance of Elijah
Wood. -s) (Elijah Wood didn't make an appearance. -k)

The events that occurred at 12:10 are also discussed in Rachel's notes,
though our expert criminal graphologist informs us that the handwriting does
not belong to Rachel.  The note reads, "The notes seem to have been passed
to Ethan Jucovy so Rachel can play with her syrup.  I am confused.  (So are
we all. -c)  I also doubt I can take satisfactory notes."  The handwriting
does not appear again.

Both sources agree that the meeting was called to disorder, and that
Sheveled thought that the rabble were not pathetic, for once.  An anonymous
witness, identified only by his disproportionately large antlers, revealed
that it was, in fact, the reunion, and not the meeting, which was called to
disorder.  John places the event at 12:13.

All witnesses agree that people introduced themselves next.  (And in serial,
too! -r)  Rachel remarked only that it was long, whereas John placed the
length at 17 minutes. 

(Hmm.  I wonder when I can make another Elijah Wood comment. -s)  (the next
item is "submit to BEM!"  you can just say something about Elijah Wood
fanfic. -k)  (I don't think BEM takes slash. -s)  (Be careful what you wish
for.  We may actually publish it. -c)  (but you're neither Abby nor a
14-year old girl. -k)  (don't put that in. -k)  (Oh, I think that should
definitely go in. -s)  (you're just saying that because you'll get a
two-room double to yourself. -k)

Next, Rachel's notes contain the cryptic message, "Nominate books, you
stupid illiterate people!"  Could this be some sort of coded message to the
killer, telling him (or her, or it) that it was time to strike.  Detective
Sheveled suggests that it is more likely to be a statement of
motive.  Witnesses also report that Robert propositioned the meeting around
this time.  Was the killing motivated by jealousy?

Experts on meetingology agreed that the meeting should be considered to be
three meetings, by virtue of its exceptional volume.  (Spatial or
acoustic? -c)

It also appeared that four of the suspects successfully proved their
sentience that afternoon.  The first to do so was Arthur Raixuan Chu, who,
according to John, began at 12:30. Arthur cited arguments originally
advanced by Descartes.  Rachel remarks that, "Arthur am."  John remarks that
Arthur proved his sentience "by showing that he is awake.  I
think."  (Rachel and John are going to kill us, too, huh? -k)  Rachel
confirms that Arthur was awake, and claims that Arthur is sentient, so he
won't remove his clothing.  (On the other hand, if Elijah Wood were to
remove his cothing... -s)  We voted him sentient so he wouldn't remove his
clothing.  John confirms this account, saying, "He kept his clothes on,
too."

Someone who neither Rachel nor John were paying attention to, but whom
surveillance footage allowed us to identify as Jillian Waldman, was next to
prove her sentience.  Both witnesses agree that Jillian stated that all
people are created equal, and since a majority of the people in the room
were sentient, and she was equal to them, she must be sentient.  We agreed
that she was equal to Josh Smith, and therefore sentient.  However, as John
points out, her Josh Smith number is not 0.

At 12:45, John notes that "It's really hot in here."  Perhaps the death was,
in fact, accidental, and heat-related.  (I can't believe how hard it is to
restrain myself from making a comment about how hot Elijah Wood
is. -s)  Rachel remarks that at about the same time, people were in favor of
raising their hands.

Also at 12:45, according to John, Ethan Gareth Jucovy, a.k.a. "Slayer",
began his sentience proof.  (Wait, where did "Slayer" come
from? -c)  Detective Ruly expressed suspicion regarding this
nickname.  Slayer presented a proof based on the premise that having purpose
to one's life is adequate to show that one is sentient.  A raisin bagel was
also involved.  Slayer lent the bagel to Rachel, and she took a bite,
including a raisin, out of it.  As Rachel remarks, "I am Ethan's 'raison
d'etre'.  Ethan is sentient because he made me eat a raisin."  To this, John
adds, "Wow!  'Raisin debtor' is one hell of a pun.  I wonder if Rachel will
ever live down her new title."

At 12:48, all witnesses agreed that Joel McNary is not a giant chicken.

Next to prove sentience was Cortland Michael Setlow, a.k.a. "Blake".  As
best as we can make out from the confusing and incomplete reports, Blake
attempted a "disproof by contradiction".  He stated that a mathematician was
a machine for turning coffee into theorems.  He then drank some coffee and
failed to prove a theorem.  He claimed that this proved that he was not a
machine, and therefore sentient.  The philosophical implications of the
vicious circles in the above arguments were discussed, but it all turned out
to be okay when we rotated him 45 degrees and voted him sentient because he
was complex.

(The SWILNews is almost as long as the attendance list now. -c)

At 12:52, John was under the impression that "Eliots has no hat."

Witness agree that Kyla won the lottery, and that we sang Happy Birthday to
her.  She won a Pettable Hedgehog (tm).  It was "fairly cute".  Could the
murder weapon have been a hedgehog?

(Are we done yet? -s)

***ReunionBusiness*** commenced at 12:54 pm, by John's report.

Joshua Mackay-Smith got his hat back.

Although nobody was listening to Old Ben, he tried to warn them that the
Balrog was coming.  This piece of evidence is clearly our best lead so
far.  (why would anyone want to murder an innocent balrog? -k)

At 12:57, Chaos recited most of the schedule from memory.  Without question,
Chaos knew of the plot all along, but no further evidence exists to link her
to the crime itself.

Megan reported that she was arranging Dim Sum.

Joe dedicated a Spam cookbook and donated it to SWIL.  This behavior is
highly suspicious.

Steph remarked that she would read from her books while music played.

At 1:07 there was a long hair contest, which John reports that everyone won,
adding, "SWIL has the longest hair."  All Rachel said regarding these
matters was, "Some people have long hair.  Some people are mafia."  (On the
other hand, Elijah Wood has the prettiest hair. -s)

It was observed that Rachel's syrup was stringy.

There were SWILshirts that were not auctioned off, and, according to John,
sound equipment.

***NonSWILBusiness*** began at 1:15.  At this time, large gaps begin to
appear in both witnesses' accounts, casting them in a somewhat suspicious
light.

The more complete, if cryptic, of the reports is John's, which is reproduced
below.

Stuff happened. I'm tired and don't feel like writing about:
SWAPA
Qian's Finger
Steph's books (Fantasy, horror, really weird gross)
A sleeping bag
Jim's count
Sarah's Fleecy thing with zippers
Eric Hurliman's Letter
J. C.'s slang study
The attenendence lists
The tray on the wall
Elliot's lack of authority
The Photo
The official tray
The tables

However, Rachel's report is substantially more descriptive of some of these
matters:

Join SWAPA - it has Chaos and Kyla's blood in it.
Qian wants a doctor or witch to heal her finger.
There are books.
There are 81 +/- 6 people at meeting (82, actually. -c)
There will be a picture.
JC is doing linguistics stuff.
A tray was on the wall for several months.
The picture will be on Sharples patio.
The tables need to be moved.

Finally, at 1:25, the reunion was called to order.


The Attendance list of Being Nice to Dining Services and "What? You Didn't
Know SWIL Excommunicated People?"

~Elliot "All Power Should Rest With the Exectuive!" Reed
benjamin 'Shirts, shirts, everywhere!' r, george
Callicles "Got Cynicism?" the Moose
Wayne W Finegar II - you don't need to work after college!
William Harry Finegar - Berry Rocks
Thomas Scott Finegar - good ice cream here
Natalie McKeown Finegar - I'm along for the ride
Chris "Old-School Bridge Player" Cobb
Ben "sproingg!" Newman
Rebecca "New Name" McFarland
Robert "Nice to be Back" McFarland
SETH "INVADER FROM THE NORTH (CORNELL UNIVERSITY, TO BE SPECIFIC)" WEIDNER
	(EDITORIAL NOTE: I WRITE IN _SMALL_ CAPS, NOT _ALL_ CAPS... IT'S AN 
	ENGINEER THING.) (Presidential note: ASCII doesn't do small
caps. -c)
Audrey "I'm two!" Weidner
Joshua "I'm not." Weidner
Stephanie "Let there be cream cheese" Dyrkacz Weidner
Amy "ferret shock" Swift
Kyra "happy in the haze of a drunken hour" Jucovy
Nick "Ostracized by chroniton flux" Ward [1]
Sarah "frisbee magnet" Bergstrom
David "I ate it" Phillips
chaos "roller skating eels" golubitsky
Luke "Invisible" Hankins
Melissa "... and a very good drive it was there was a moo-cow" Shaner
Laura "nights in Nystatin" Cheetham
Snibor "Ma I kniht I sa revelc sa ton" Eoj [2]
Peter "Thinger" Wong
Rachel Ottenstein, Alan Ottenstein, NEIL OTTENSTEIN
Megan "Oh well..." Hallam
Fred "The sleep of raisins produces monsters" Bush
Jim "The SWILloes are returning to Capistrano" Moskowitz
Larry "Do former Ambassadors get to be called 'Mr. Ambassador'?" Miller
Megan "Stone Kyla! Stone Kyla!" Miller
Barbara "I'm back" Need
jere7my "Timbre? September? Timbre? Timber? TIMBER!" tho?rpe
Kendra "Made from sugar so it tastes like sugar" Eshleman
Sue Stone - non-affiliated visitor from Smith SF+Fantasy Club. Blame 
	Barbara Need.
David "Come back, I'll bite your legs off" Szent-Gyorgyi '83
Julia "I'm getting syrup on everything" Szent-Gyorgyi
Josh "strongly weirdizing" Burdick
Joel "Verily, verily I say unto you: There are six penguins on the Bay 
	Bridge." McNary
Michael "Stealing daddy's pretzels" McNary
Brian "Goo goo.  Ga ga." McNary (GOO JOOB! -c)
Sarah "Ooooh... CUPS!" McNary
Annie "Bouncy Kitty" Fox
Jillian "turtles can fly" Waldman
Kelly "pretend spec" Miller-Schreiner
Raoul "Childe Raoule" Bagley
Blake "Cat" "of Spain" Setlow
Rachel "Not taking notes if I can possibly help it." Sapiro
Ethan "I GOT TO PLAY SMASH BROS LAST NIGHT!!" Jucovy
Rowan "Black + White" Littell
Jenizie "Hiding in the corner" Ziebarth
Jeff "Semi-senile Master of SWILdom" Hildebrand
Josh "...and we _liked_ it!" Smith
MARK "I WANNA BE A SPY" HANDLER
Joel "Rocket Science" Offenberg
Pat "Joel's wife" Lawton
Laura "Spanish Inquisition" Almasy
John "Note-taker ordinary" Finkbeiner
Ben "no title" Felzer
Kyla "two-dollar bills! pretty!" Tornheim
Sam "there are more where these came from" Weiler
Dan "employed" Blim
Michael "Next stop is... Kanalstrass" Noda
Katie "No relation to Scarlet O'Hara" McAlister
Drew "imaginary title" Szafran
Sally "Now doing justice" Carter
Jed "d...i...s...t...r...a...c...t...e.d" Hartman
Kam "Where am I?" McCowan
Jay "Your Quote Elsewhere" Scott
Hannah "pseudopods" Schneider
JC Ravage, God Emperor of Myself
Rebecca "Helping to run the economy" Sela
Abby "monkey pants" Friedman XVII
Amy' "kill the salad!" Marinello
Joshua "Death Chair" Mackay-Smith
Arthur "space" Chu "linebreak"
Qian "never ask _me_ for a pen" Qian
BDan "_You_ bash the balrog" Fairchild

[1] using my mutant power
[2] sdrawkcab era setontoof ym neve.


All but one of us agrees that the evidence points to single culprit.  One
name comes up again and again, in many different contexts, over the course
of the crime report.  The only person with the means, motive and opportunity
to slay SWILNews #8 was... Elijah Wood.

Detectives Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, and Couth