Someone has stolen the SWILElection! We can't find it anywhere! You, Gumshoe, must go retrieve it. There's a whole list of possible suspects -- Carmen Sanfrancisco's usual gang. It is up to you to sort through them, and find the perpetrator! [Cue music: Where in Swarthmore is Carmen Sanfrancisco?] *** SWILBusiness *** Let's review the suspects, Gumshoe. First, there are the Giant Purple Frogs. They are described as "inherently cool. If we elected them, we'd become mainstream" by an anonymous source. (It was John Finkbiner! -d) They were last seen in the dormitory that was once an all-girls school. You head to Mary Lyons dormitory. A witness there says he heard some scuttling under his fridge. Near his tupperware. Also, he claimed the suspect carried a thermo-nuclear missile. Make of this what you will, Gumshoe. You proceed to Swarthmore's missile silo, where you find the Square Root of Negative Yak, Lord Julius's Goat, and JC. They tell you, "Well, we had lots of stuff written, but it was all too corny (JC: I didn't know you two spoke latin!) (JG: We're educated ungulates!) (iY: Are we even ungulates?) Anyway, vote for us! If anything goes wrong, we'll be the scapegoat... er, yak... er... sophomore...." You decide to follow up on the things-going-wrong clue, going to the Sun Lab to investigate the Power of Ions. It's a V.I.L.L.E. henchman! You must be getting close! Either that, or he just has a CS project that's almost due. The Power of Ions can be bent whatever way you want with just a simple magnetic field; be careful of the magnetic fields, though, or the V.I.L.L.E. henchman will have all his work destroyed, and get mad at you! A witness in the Sun Lab tells you he tried to eat and drink the suspects, but they would have none of it. (You don't want a president you can drink or ingest! -s) Following the inedible clue, you head to Sharples All-Campus Dining Hall (That was too easy. -s). There you run into Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar, V.I.L.L.E. henchmen if you ever saw one! They hurt you very badly, and kill you very badlier. Fortunately for you; not all V.I.L.L.E. henchmen will let you escape unscathed, Gumshoe! After your escape, you catch a fleeting vision of the Lady of Shalott. Before she vanishes, she murmurs one clue: "SWILNews as tapestry!" Think about it, Gumshoe. (And if you figure out what that means, please let me know. -d) You backtrack to the Deep South, where you run into a Contingent of Belles. They ask that you welcome them into your heart (Ewwwww! -s) Taking the clue to heart, you go to George, hoping to find the current presidents "losing a purity test point." You're lucky again -- they aren't there. Instead, you find a group of people hiding out until SWILMeeting has finished, because they Don't Want To Be Nominated. You talk to one of them, who tells you, "Please don't make us be president! We'll do anything! We'll run SWILmeeting, write SWILnews, delegate responsibility, do the stuff that we couldn't delegate, deal with the administration, clean George when CP&P wants it the next morning... wait a minute!" On your way out of George, you fall down the stairs. You turn the corner, only to be assaulted by bears! You escape before Clara and Desmond, two notorious V.I.L.L.E. henchmen, can attack you as well. In the Crum Woods, where you escaped the bear, you run into ~Sam and Kyra, two seemingly innocent nominees. ~Sam tells you that, if you restore the SWILElection, she will: (1) Declare herself "Sam the Magnificent, Supreme Ruler of SWIL"; (2) Call meetings to disorder by saying, "All bow down before Sam the Magnificent, Supreme Ruler of SWIL"; (3) Change SWIL to SWEL, Swarthmore Wielders of Evil Lemmings; (4) Disco Kegger!; (5) Add excitement to the Valentine's Day Massacre by using real bullets; (6) Instead of getting new SWILMovies every week, buy Waterworld and just show that over and over again; (7) Write a new charter for SWIL describing it as a Vanilla Ice and Martha Stewart Appreciation Club (Man, why didn't we think of that? -s) that brings karaoke rap and housewares parties to campus; and (8) All who oppose her will be declared Counter-Revolutionary and forced to eat SPAM. Kyra tells you that if you restore the SWILElection, she will: (1) Procrastinate; and (2) Do absolutely nothing responsible (as soon as she's done with step (1) -g). You hold an Unnecessary SWILVote and decide to call Sam "Sam the Magnificent, Slide-Ruler of SWIL." You leave the woods in search of Jordan Rosen, but you instead you find Mark, grovelling in an apologetic manner. Mark tells you that the suspect was awake, had an interest in coming to SWILMeeting, and wanted to be president. This is nothing like Jordan Rosen, so you backtrack to the woods. In the woods, you find Spike and Buffy working on losing a purity test point. (Wait! Are they writing SWILNews with you? -Kyra) ( -s) (I suppose there are purity tests that aren't SWIL purity tests. -g) (Shhhh... -s) Changing the subject entirely, Adrian and Matt describe the suspect as cheating at single player Starcraft. They claim that because he cheats, whenever there's a problem with SWIL he'll use his parents' money. With this money cheat, he'll massively produce units and swarm campus with his zealots. They say his plan is: (1) Get cash; (2) Send all zealots out in a massive rush; and (3) replace dead rabble by recruiting more zealots to send out in a massive rush. This sounds suspiciously like Ross Messing, V.I.L.L.E. henchman extraordinaire! On your way out of the woods, you run into three SWILlies and a moose, playing a fife and snare drum. One of them pulls out of a soapbox. They go on, and on, and on. This is what they say: "When in the course of human events it is seriously proposed that a club should be run by three misanthropes and a stuffed moose, and assume among the organizations of budget the confused and disorganized station to which the laws of nature and nature's administrative staff condemn them, a decent respect for the opinions of control freaks everywhere requires that somebody should explain what the grep is going on. "We hold these assertions to be thoroughly obfuscated: that the capital of Assyria was Ninevah, that Kant has no rights, that the axiom of choice is equivalent to Zorn's lemma, and that we would like to buy a duck. "Prudence, indeed, will dictate that ducks should not be purchased rashly, or without consulting the treasurere about the state of the speaker's budget; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that we are more likley to get money when we have a mole in the budget committee. "But when a long train of EVILs and usurpations, pursuing, more or less, an object, which, when viewed in the right light, could be construed as a design to reduce them to absolute Despotism, and a lamentable lack of ducks, it is their right, it is their duty, to elect something which claims to be a set of serious candidates. "Such is a not entirely implausible description of the state of this disorganization under the current regime. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world: "They have disrupted the tranquility and good health of the community with wanton and unconscionable threats of Spam. (Woo-hoo! -s) (That was all *your* idea. -g) "They have brought us to the brink of ruin with their short-sighted tax-and-spend policies. (I would like to point out, for the record, that when we attempted to share the Thumbtacks Do Not Drink with the rabble, it was these very candidates who claimed to need them back, and made us confiscate them, tacksing the rabble before they were even elected. -d) "They have repeatedly moved the robber onto the only decent duck-producing hex. (Well, they had two cities there! What was I supposed to do? -s) "They have dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness their invasions on the rights of the people. (Womanly firmness, please. -s) (Peoplely firmness. -d) "JC's ticket consists primarily of imaginary hooved mammals. "Although thumb tacks do not drink, they have a rampant cocaine habit. "Ross lies under suspicion of the deadly sin of sloth. "The optimal Outpost spending problem is believed to be NP-complete. "The power of ions has not demonstrated itself to be a marketable substitute for conventional hair care technologies. "Kyra and ~Sam are both extremely short. (Hey! -g) (Kyla and Chaos were both short (although Kyla is now 5'7" -s) and *they* were good presidents. -s) (And it's not like Callicles is a giant among moose. (Meese. (That's the plural of mouse. (No, that's meeses. -s) -g) -s) -d) "In every stage of these repressions, we have ignored the administration and bitched amongst ourselves. Our repeated obliviousness has been answered only by repeated injury. "We, therefore, BDan, comma, Callicles, and the Other Person, in Sharples Room 4 Assembled, appealing to the supreme judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good folk of SWIL, solemnly publish and declare: "That you should vote for us. "In further support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we pledge our Lives, our family, and our sacred Alien Powers. "James ~Elliot Reed "Q.10heimihegaen "(benjamin r, george) "B Daniel Roth Fairchild "[non-ascii renderable moose paw print]" You find the SWILElection, although you haven't apprehended the perpetrator yet. However, you might be interested to know that once the election takes place, SWIL elects BDan, Comma, Callicles, and The Other Person (~Elliot! Not me!!! -d) (Not Elliot! Not me!!! -g) (Oh, hush. -s) You are so moved by this, ( -g) -- You couldn't care less about the election, but you do enjoy a good SWILMovie to replenish you before fina--er, finishing your case. (Waterworld! -g) (Nooooooooooo! Oh, the Amphibean-Humanity! -s) You see: Soylent Green -- Science fiction, Thriller / 1973 -- In the year 2022, earth's face has completely changed. The greenhouse effect has raised the temperature into nearly unbearable regions, and the people are kept in the cities by law. The rich live in separated luxury apartments (with women as part of the rented furniture) but also experience the lack of natural food. Detective Thorn investigates a strange murdering case of a official from the Soylent corporation, which feeds the masses with a palette of their creations: Soylent red, yellow, or, even more nutritious, green. He soon stumbles across the real source of Soylent Green, which is not soy beans or plankton any more. After the movie, you discover that the speaker committee has decided to try and recruit James Morrow. (What are they going to try him for? -d) (Stealing the election? -s) It turns out that SWIL has a webpage at . You decide to investigate this by going to Beardsley. Before you leave, you pay Nick and Qian $3 so that you can attend SWIL's Inauguration Party on Friday, January 25. In Beardsley, you decide to use the lottery as a decoy to catch the criminal. You pretend that Darkness won an animal body sponge (Parse that as you will. -s), but it wasn't really him. Suddenly, a bullet goes whizzing by your head! It must be... *** NonSWILBusiness *** On Saturday, the 15th, Arcadia will be showing Franz Kafka's It's a Wonderful Life and the MST3K version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Tomorrow, Wednesday the 12th, she will be showing MST3K: Rocketship XM. Clearly, the perpetrator has a horrific sense of humor. This just in! We've learned that Kyra plans to leave the country soon! If you plan to apprehend her before she goes, you'd best intercept her at the Blackadder IV showing on Friday at 7:00 in Kohlberg 116! (Kohlberg 116 factorial! Wow! -g) (Factorial factorial! -d) (No. -s) (Awwwwwww... -g) ~Elliot wants to play Settlers now. Yes, now. Go on, Gumshoe. Go to his room! (Or more likely, DuPont. -g) (DuPont still exists? -s) Catch him red-handed! If you want to intercept the V.I.L.L.E. henchman, one place to look is the Lord of the Rings movie. Contact Nick if you want a ticket, and Matt for space in the van. Oh no! A falling anvil! The V.I.L.L.E. henchman has found you! But you tackle him bravely, and bring Ross to justice. Good for you, Gumshoe. One more arrest, and you'll be promoted! Unforunately, Sven got away. Oh well. Better luck next time. *** Ha Ha Ha. Aren't You Funny? -- 12/8/01 *** Rebecca "Red hair again" Paul Arcadia "pro-contra" Falcone (Look. You can be for, or against, but not both. -s) Lady of "bored with Satan's scone" Shalott Alx "N Vwls" Flr (Crmn strks gn! -d) (I'm reminded of a certain SWILNews #3... -s) Adrian "imprisoned by destiny" Packel Matt "I woke up!" Fowles Sony "I know LISP" Clie (Shouldn't that be Thony? -d) (No, he *no* lithp! -g) ( -th) Michael "pro-Sandinista" Noda Handspring Visor "I'm still asleep, don't bug me" Prism JC "$\sqrt{-yak}$" Ravage $\sqrt{-yak}$ "Lord Julius's Goat" Lord Julius's "JC Ravage" Goat People who don't want to be President (represented by some potato chips as their proxy) Ben "Been there, done that" Newman (That sounded like a confession to me! -d) benjamin 'it is our right, it is our duty' r, george Callicles 'i never cheat at Starcraft' the Moose BDan "manly firmness" Fairchild Qian "Vote withheld. Acknowledgements: for ." Rachel "Not running for SWIL president! Yay!" Sapiro ~Elliot "tax-and-spend" Reed Ben "I hate LISP" mitchell (That'th not very nith -th) ~Sam The Magnificent "Regime of Evil", Supreme Ruler of SWIL John "Giant Purple Frogs Forever" Finkbiner ( -d) Kyra "I should've _known_ it would be tentacle porn." Jucovy JONATHAN "I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS A CITIZEN OF THE UNIVERSE" SCHNEIDER *SEE FOOTNOTE Ilya "never here again" Koulchme MARK "THE CAPITALS ARE MINE (WELL, AT LEAST LONDON AND PARIS)" HANDLER Nick "I thought I heard Horton hearing a Who..." Ward (Wow! Horton likes The Who? -d) Ross "Matt speaks for me" Messing Sven "Matt speaks for me" Olsen Abby "_Not_ the president! _Not_ the president! Woo!" Friedman Robert "cheese grits in honor of the bygone Southern Belle Contingent" McFarland Amy' "I'm funny. Sure." Marinello *SINCE HIS FIRST SWILMEETING JONATHAN HAS MISSED EVERY THIRD MEETING. NONETHELESS HE DEMANDS HONORARY DISMEMBERMENT BECAUSE HIS UNUSUALLY LARGE CRANIAL LOBE IS A GREATER BURDEN EVERY WEEK. *** Gold, Stone, and Darkness *** (Carmen Sanfrancisco is a registered trademark of CheapSWIL games.)