Dear Member of the Junior Class, This is a highly personalized SWILNews, sent only to Members of the Junior Class. All the other classes, and the alumni, are receiving lesser SWILNewsi. But you, Member of the Junior Class, have already been approved for your very own Gold SWILNews! (Hey! No, wait. Hay is for horses. No! -g) (But, Gooooold. -s) (I'm nobody's SWILNews! -g) (Are you putting words in my mouth? -g) (Yes. -s) (Straight out of the horse's mouth. -d) But you, Member of the Junior Class, have already been approved for your very own Platinum SWILNews. But you can't just sit there. Act now! Fill out the following form, Member of the Junior Class, and this limited edition Platinum SWILNews can be yours today! (Interesting. The form looks like a bare-bones SWILNews with all the thematic bits left out. -d) (Shh... -s) *** SWILBusiness *** The rabble were pathetic, with a crescendo. But don't rest on your laurels, Member of the Junior Class! If you want to claim your prize of a Platinum SWILNews, continuing fill out this form now! Submit to BEM immediately! You, Member of the Junior Class, have already missed the absolute final deadline for BEM submission! But, because you, Member of the Junior Class, are in our special gold-star club (Let's not go there again. -g) in our special Dark Star club (Hey! -d) in our special Six-Pointed Star club (Isn't it usually called a mace? -d) (Shut up shut up shut UP! -s) in our special club, we're giving you ONE LAST CHANCE. Don't delay, Member of the Junior Class. Get your science fiction, fantasy, and drawings in today! Not only are you receiving an extra special chance to SUBMIT TO BEM, Member of the Junior Class, because you are a Member of the Junior Class you also have an opportunity to help put BEM together! That's right, Member of the Junior Class, you too can be a CO-EDITOR of BEM! (Wouldn't you be a co-editor in training? Which is a Co-Edit? -g) (I see. -d) Because you are a Member of the Junior Class, you also have the opportunity to go to SWILMOVIE on Monday night at 10. The first movie is being sent to you ABSOLUTELY FREE!! If you don't like it, you can call and cancel at any time! So check your mailbox for: Beowulf -- Animated, Fantasy / 1998 -- The classic story of the battle between Beowulf and Grendel. And Three Wallace & Grommit shorts -- Claymation, Speculative fiction -- Inventor Wallace and his dog Grommit have many fun(ny) adventures. That's right, Member of the Junior Class, we are sending you TWO movies for the price of ONE! If you decide to keep your order, you can continue to receive such classic SWILMovies as: Delicatessen A Matter of Life and Death HELP! The Seventh Seal After Life Dungeons & Dragons Open Your Eyes The Wizard of Speed and Time Five Million Years To Earth The Lathe of Heaven Pi Star Trek IV: the Voyage Home Return of the Killer Tomatoes Kiki's Delivery Service 3x3 Eyes If, for some reason, any of these movies is not available, you will receive, ABSOLUTELY FREE, one of the following films instead: La Belle et La Bete The Stepford Wives Dominion Tank Police (Stone clever! Stone proud of herself! -s) This year, and this year only, Members of the Junior Class have an opportunity to attend the coveted SWIL Inauguration party! Send $3.00 to Qian or Nick today! Arcadia won a Seal Pen in last week's lottery. You too can be a winner, Member of the Junior Class! You may have already won! All you need to do is show up to SWILMeeting on time, and claim your prize!* Member of the Junior Class, these other people have already completed their forms and proven themselves eligible to BE SWILPRESIDENT (okay, well not all of them. But if they can do it, you can too! -d)! While it is too late for you to RUN FOR SWILPRESIDENT this year, it is still possible to VOTE FOR SWILPRESIDENT! And, because you are a Member of the Junior Class, you have a limited time only opportunity to help these candidates WRITE THEIR PLATFORMS!! That's right, Member of the Junior Class, you can help be involved in the politics of the SWILPRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!! (Serious candidates and anyone who really wants to write a particular platform need to get their platforms in via e-mail by Thursday night, so we can send them to all voters who can't be at meeting. -s) (People who can't be at meeting should e-mail us so we can send them the platforms. -g) (Oh, yeah. What she said. -s) These are the candidates whom you, Member of the Junior Class, can HELP BECOME SWILPRESIDENT: Lord Julius's Goat, JC, and the Square Root of Negative Yak BDan, Comma, Callicles and The Other Person (I passed an executive order that "The Other Person", rather like "x", can stand for more than one thing. So it isn't *necessarily* Darkness. But I think we should make him run again anyway. -s) (I think it necessarily *isn't* Darkness. -d) (Party pooper. -s) Giant Purple Frogs Cockroaches, Tupperware, and Thermo-Nuclear Missiles The Power of Ions Putty Do Not Ingest and Thumbtacks Do Not Drink Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar The Lady of Shallot The Southern Belle Contingent People Who Don't Want to Be Nominated (It could be *you*, Member of the Junior Class! -s) Amy, Basil, Clara, and Desmond, et al. ~Sam and Kyra (N.B. This was NOT a serious nomination. They will personally run you over with a cement mixer, Member of the Junior Class, should you vote them into office. -d) Jordan Rosen (He probably has access to a cement mixer too. -g) Spike and Buffy (They don't need a cement mixer. -s) Ross Messing (Boy, there's going to be a real shortage of cement mixers around. -d) Do not hesitate, Member of the Junior Class! Only one small form remains! *possession of the winning lottery ticket is necessary for prize retrieval. *** NonSWILBusiness *** Saturday, December 15th, Member of the Junior Class, you will have a SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY to see Franz Kafka's It's a Wonderful Life and MST3K's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (They call him S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S, hooray for Santy Claus! -s) in Trotter 203! Don't delay! This is a limited time offer only! (Oh dear. I've only just realized that if you say "St. Nicholas" over and over, really quickly, it does, in fact, sound like "Santa Claus". -d) (St.NicholasStNicholasSntcholasSantClosSantaClaus... wow! -s) Tomorrow, Member of the Junior Class, there will a SPECIAL SHOWING of MST3K's Lost Continent in Trotter 203 at 7:00. But do not despair, Member of the Junior Class! This is such a SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY, it deserves its VERY OWN E-MAIL! That's right, Member of the Junior Class, you will receive YET ANOTHER E-MAIL, sent PERSONALLY to YOU, Member of the Funlist, talking ONLY about this very SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY! There is a great shortage of clipboards in the world, Member of the Junior Class. We here at SWIL are asking you to take the time, out of the goodness of your heart, to lend an extra clipboard to JC. Can't you just see his face lighting up when you, Member of the Junior Class, lend him your very own clipboard, just for him to use? (I think that's enough of that. -g) On Friday, Member of the Junior Class, you have another SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY! The Swarthmore Orchestra is holding a concert, and because you are a Member of the Junior Class, you have the OPPORTUNITY to attend! (woo-hoo. -g) (You're sounding kind of jaded here. It's not exactly helping our sales. -s) And then, Member of the Junior Class, on Saturday at 3:00 there is a Gamelan concert which you can ALSO ATTEND! If you, Member of the Junior Class, would like to be involved in this year's Secret SWILlies GIFT-GIVING EXTRAVANGAZA, e-mail Stone today! Jim Moskowitz has decided to run a ROUNDSING on Saturday, December 8th! You, Member of the Junior Class, can attend this SPECIAL EVENT simply by finishing your application forms! *** The Attendance List of I Can't Think of a Funny Title and You Should Just Amuse Yourselves -- 12/1/01 *** Arcadia "desirous of Elizabeth Bennett's conversive faculty" Falcone Lady of "contemplating framage" Shalott Jim "complimenting fromage" Moskowitz Other gods than Chubu MARK "CAPITAL OFFENSE(IVE)" HANDLER Katie "ice cream doesn't cry" McAlister Adam "if this is an out-of-body experience, then why do I still feel my legs?" Oleksa Adrian "The heavens are on our side! Now's our chance to win!" Packel (That's the spirit! -d) (If you have the same fighting spirit, Member of the Junior Class, you too may already have won! -s) Dan "Aha! I go 36 across!" Predominantly Playford "USA! USA!" Ball Booklet Kyra "upholster" Jucovy Rachel "stuff" Sapiro (Look. You can't stuff AND upholster at the same time. Pick one! -s) JC "Merstrav Spavin" Ravage Other gods than Cthulu B.C. Phillips does not exist Rebecca "apathetic" Jones benjamin 'don't kill the person you're prophesied to outlive' r, george & Callicles 'I have the power of Ions' the Moose & The 'woe is me: I am a nameless pterodactyl' Nameless 'Dactyl (You already said that. -g) (There is humor in repetition. -d) (Noooooooooooo! -gs) & Putty 'the thumbtacks are taking notes' Do Not Injest ~Samantha Crane is of no concern to you Ben "E.E. Smith" Mitchell Nick "In the name of the North-Walking Zex, I summon the power of Ions!!" Ward (In the name of the South-Walking Zex, I stand in your way and block you FOREVER! -s) Qian "Democracy oppresses the minority. I withhold my vote until consensus is reached (read: forced)!" Qian BDan "maker of miniature cranes" Fairchild (What is he going to do with an army of small Sams? -d) (Sam is short? What have we(e -d) been doing picking on Kyla all this time? -s) Sam "Listening to NPR can be depressing" Weiler John "Giant Purple Frogs forever" Finkbiner Michael "Larry Wesphal's B[***]h" Noda (Censoring brought to you courtesy of... the MiniProps! Yeah! Blame them! -s) Handspring "Clies cause indigestion, bleah" Visor Prism Will "Solon? Hailey? Fort Ann? Casa Blanca? Portage-des-Sioux? Primghar!" Quale Abby "It's beautiful under my [snort]" Friedman (AHAHAHAHAHA! -Kyla and Catherine) Robert "You find at the bottom of the old treasure chest... ... Boothe's Elliptical Lemniscate" McFarland (Don't hesistate to look now, Member of the Junior Class! -s) *** Gold, Stone, and Darkness *** Remember, Member of the Junior Class, only you can prevent forest fires! (Run, Forrest, run! -d) ( -s) ")" (This parenthesis has been provided as a service to Presidents-Emeritae Cloak and Dagger, who lost it one SWILNews long ago. Don't let this happen to you, Member of the Junior Class! -g)