The theme of this SWILNews is presidential platforms. It seemed apropo. (Hey, if we hurry, we might have a president-elect before the United States does! -b) (I'm sorry! -j) -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "98% yak": I'm not scared of 2% milk, I'm scared of 98% yak phlegm! -- John -------------------------------------------------- If you are a current student nonmember and will not be able to attend meeting on Saturday (shame on you! -q), you can cast your votes by emailing Ben your top three choices, ranked, by Friday noon. To ensure a fair election, only one serious ticket will be run. Anything for which a platform appears, or which we have listed as a nominee, is fair game. -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The square root of negative Yak": The Coasters sang a song entitled, "Yakety-Yak, don't talk back." I am the opposite of that, being -Yak. Therefore, I will be responsive to your concerns at all times. In addition, because I follow the Square route, I don't go out and party. So you'll always know where to find me. Remember, i root yak -- and so should you! -------------------------------------------------- $$$$$$ SWILBusiness $$$$$$ The rabble were disorderly without even being asked. (I'm so proud! -a) -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The Incredibly Stupid People who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies": We promise to bring disorder to every meeting! -------------------------------------------------- Submit to BEM! -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Writing random things on a blackboard for an entire SWILmeeting": If you don't submit to BEM, I will! -------------------------------------------------- Monday's movie will be Spaceballs. It's likely that there will be an exam in Kirby until 10:00, so if there is we'll just wait outside quietly. -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Darth Maul, Darth Vader, and Darth Sidious": We are the presidents you're looking for. -------------------------------------------------- "Can we start talking about the Massacre yet?" "Yes. Next!" -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Cockroaches, Tupperware, and thermonuclear missles": Fallout. Fallout. Nuclear winter. But Tupperware and cockroaches survive! -------------------------------------------------- The movies for Spring 2001 will be: -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The D&D movie": It's a character-building experience. (Oh, we're horrible. Oh god, we're horrible. We are evil, evil people. -a) (I think you've had all the parentheticals so far. -q) (Qui-Gon Jimm had one. And Ben. -a) -------------------------------------------------- Chicken Run -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The scattered ashes of Lord Julius' Goat": Finally. It's gone. -------------------------------------------------- Dead Again -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Lord Julius' resurrected Goat": Oops. Maybe not. (Vote Goat! -a) -------------------------------------------------- Groundhog Day -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Cape & Knife": Because Kyla said we could nominate them. -------------------------------------------------- The Hobbit -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The twin senators Palpatine and Lieberman": Have *you* ever seen them in the same place at once? -------------------------------------------------- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Jesse Jackson, Jesse Helmes, and Jesse Ventura": They will collectively kick your pansy ass! -------------------------------------------------- The Secret of NIMH -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Something which cannot be expressed in a written medium": You have to see it to believe it (but boy, will you believe! -q)! -------------------------------------------------- Siegfried -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Fred": Because he always wins! -------------------------------------------------- Back to the Future -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Raoul": Don't vote for me now. Vote for me... in the ~future~! (Dum dum dum...) -------------------------------------------------- (How cold is it out? -b) (It's absolutely freezing. It can't be more than ten degrees Kelvin. -q) -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Rudy Mussolini & Benito Lazio": Nooo! Anything but that! -------------------------------------------------- (Are you touching my duct tape? -b) (Yes I am. Touch touch touch. -a) (No! I'm not like that! People are going to get weird ideas about me that are wrong, instead of the weird ideas they should have! -b) -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Salt & Pepper Shakers": Enforced heterocondimentiality! -------------------------------------------------- Cube -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Cthulhu": Stop voting for the lesser of two evils. -------------------------------------------------- The Day the Earth Stood Still -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Catherine's paper on gender": Because it's done. -------------------------------------------------- Earth Girls are Easy -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "A hunk-a hunk-a burnin' love": Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh yeah. (Hollis, will you present this at meeting? -q) -------------------------------------------------- Invasion of the Body Snatchers -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada": Soon your precious Frontier will be breached, mwa-ha-ha, and I will be President anyhow! Make it easier on yourselves and vote me in now. -- JC -------------------------------------------------- City of Lost Children -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The contents of Ben Newman's fanny pack": Look, do you want an infinite number of things in your fanny pack or not? -------------------------------------------------- Porco Rosso -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Abby's posable dradle": Because he bends, and he's neat, and he has Hebrew on him, and John gave him to me, and he's a dradle, dammit! (I made him out of clay? -b) (No, he's made of *plastic*! -a) (I do hope y'all're talking about the dradle. -q) -------------------------------------------------- X -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The Other": Oops. Frog. -------------------------------------------------- Alternates: James and the Giant Peach -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "The Atlanta Contingent": See "Life in the mob, capisce? -or- SWILNews #256". -------------------------------------------------- Wargames -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Al Bloom": Quack. -------------------------------------------------- Grave of the Fireflies -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Spike and Buffy": Why should Buffy and Spike be the next co-presidents of SWIL? (I don't know, why should Buffy and Spke be the next co-presidents of SWIL? -a) You all know what the most obvious answer to this question is. As you know all too well, the Swarthmore campus in general, and SWIL in particular, have been suffering more and more seriously from vampire attacks this past semester. The frequent deaths of our close friends should be a warning to us that we need the kind of protection that only a Vampire Slayer can provide. Just because Swat isn't situated on a Hellmouth doesn't mean that we should suffer passively through a demonic assault! No, vote Spike and Buffy and ensure that the senseless violence we have grown inured to does not continue. Moreover: as some of you may be aware, Spike belongs to our current co-president Abi-Wan Kenobi. And yet, insofar as I know, Abi-Wan has never yet even met this divinely sexy vampire in person. Now, none of you can deny the great and multifarious services which she has provided for us during her time as co-president. Surely, it follows that none of you can possibly deny her the chance to actually meet Spike by voting against the only campaign that promises to bring him to Swarthmore. Vote for Buffy and Spike in order to show your gratitude for the present regime! Any benefits accruing by happenstance to the humble drafter of this platform are, of course, strictly incidental ;-). Remember, vote Buffy and Spike: the only candidates who will inevitably get the dating their fellow co-president purity test point! -- Kyra -------------------------------------------------- $$$$$$ NonSWILBusiness $$$$$$ Abby's younger brother got into Vassar early. -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Male alumni with funny names": Their names are funny. They're inherently funny. They're alumni. They're... um... male. Yeah. -------------------------------------------------- There will be a roundsing Friday at 7:30, probably in Lang. -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Puns": I think we would make good presidents, serving with honor, distinction, and loyalty. So please vote for us this coming Saturday. Thank you. (Aaagh! -abq) -------------------------------------------------- Arcadia is showing the MST3K version of "Santa" on the Saturday 16th, in Kohlberg 115 at 7pm. -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Jim's sentence & Bob Bowman": "If this quote comes to three consecutive meetings, can we dismember it?" -- Bob Bowman -------------------------------------------------- Tonight (Wednesday) at 8 and 10 pm, the Night of Scenes is in Mephistos. Mephistos is not in Willets. As of Saturday, it had been 573 days since Queen Amydala moved out of Willets. (Q: Did you know your presidential initials are Q and A? -a) (A: Yes. -q) -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Morose": If you don't vote for me, I'll be depressed. -------------------------------------------------- On Friday, Abi-Wan will be having her holiday extravaganza, showing "It's a Wonderful Life" and "How the Grinch (originally - b) Stole Christmas". The movies start at 2:00; come early for food and fun. -------------------------------------------------- Platform for "Abby ' and the other person": * Two of the people who brought you an icosohedral planet, and one of the people who voted for it! * A long tradition of getting SWILNews out on time, and usually early! * More gaming, like Friday nights! * We won't nominate any Supreme Court Justices people won't like! * We promise to be anal-retentive about notes! * SWILMeetings that don't run until 2:00pm, unless they should! * We promise not to have 13 graduating seniors to Remember this year! * We will not make you conduct an entire SWILMeeting in rhyme! * We're already running the Kegger; what more do you want out of life? -------------------------------------------------- $$$$$$ Remaining Nominees $$$$$$ A hat trick Profion Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert Cookie & Peggy Myself & him Callicles Being & nothingness Tobasco & pepper The girl whose birthday party Kyra went to once BDan's weaponry collection The identity matrix The Greek Pantheon of gods Catherine Harris, Jeb Bush, and Terry Lewis The BDan Armada The non-empty set that is not closed under identity The luminiferous ether The first uninteresting number The smallest number that can't be described in fewer than thirteen words Warminster Binary arithmetic Cicero, Sallust, and Plato Larry Five-letter senators Eggplant and quantum indeterminate alumni with funny names Cloak & Dagger Bleem David Boise Pat Buchanan Optimus Prime Joe Torre Tori Amos Tori Spelling Vampire Hunter D Everybody who isn't nominated $$$$$$ Shiny Happy People Holding Hands on 12/9/00 $$$$$$ John "Purple" Finkbiner Jim "2% milk means 98% WHAT?" Moskowitz (Yak phlegm. -a) Rebecca "I can't complain but sometimes I still do. Life's been good to me so far." Paul (Lucky you. -q) Rebecca "How can 97.9% water be milk?" Jones Robert "some longish quote? McFarland BDan "I hereby do not nominate myself" Fairchild Kyla "proud owner of a duck" Tornheim (Quack. -b) Catherine "gendered Swattie in the discourse" Osborne Matt "Fashionably late" Fowles Ross "SchRoeDiNGeR's cAt -- it's whAt's FoR DiNNeR" MessiNG Kyra "Once, just once, I wish that the rabble could be _ba_thetic" Jucovy ~Elliot "But you can't destroy an artifact like that!" benjamin 'monadic, yet existential' r, george & Callicles 'you have the power to whine.' the Moose & Margeret 'Unhealthy attachment' the Camera {\tt & Daphne 'oh no -- Abby has spotted me.' the Typewriter} Rachel "Nominating everyone who has not been nominated creates a paradox" Sapiro (Yay! -q) JC "Tyrion Lannister" Ravage Ben "He who controls the spice" Newman (...controls the spice rack. -aq) Amy' "ba" Marinello Abby "No I haven't! Really! Damn my eyes!" Friedman And now I conclude my quote" McFarland $$$$$$ Abi-Wan Kenobi, Ben Kenobi, and Queen Amydala $$$$$$