BK: Welcome to the 2 o'clock News on WSIL. (Or should that be WILS? -q) (But Will's not here. -b) Joining me today are Quinn Aymoodala of the American Bovine Collective (You will be assimoolated! -a), and your local Weather Coordinator, Abi-Wan Tsunami. I'm Ben Kenewsi, and this is... ,',',',', WSIL Business ,',',',', BK: Some of the rabble at last week's meeting were still pathetic, so there. QA: But I can tell you that one thing that *won't* be pathetic is the turnout at this year's Sixteenth Annual American Bovine Classic. In fact, the competi-- AT: Oh yes it will, because there's going to be a *tornado* hitting any minute now. And you know my predictions are accurate, because I correctly predicted the beautiful weather we had for WSILoween. BK: In related news, Kyla has been salted. But this rash of physical violence threatens to overshadow the election news, which we all know is the *real* issue of the day. AT: This just in! Tropical Storm Sarah Bergstrom has been upgraded to Hurricane Bruce! (Hey, we're funny again! -q) BK: Candidate Jesse Caleb Ravage has proven himself by popular, though perhaps not electoral, vote to be a sentient member of the human race, defeating his opponent, Chartreuse Party candidate Darth Nader. (Groan, groan, groan, whap. -a) ,',',',', Sentience Proof ,',',',', Voiceover: The following is a paid political announcement and does not reflect the views of this station. JCR: "Jesse Caleb Ravage" is an anagram of "Brava! CA gels geese." I (a) want to be a CA and (b) like submerging semi-ducks in gel and/or turning them into gelatin. QA: How dare you show such disregard for the safety of our fine feathered friends! Animals are majestic creatures to be shared by all! At the American Bovine Collective, we always take the greatest care to treat our bovines with the respect they deserve! JCR: Anyway, being cruel to animals on this campus clearly means being a free thinker. Also, CAs help people out, which is what I want to do. I will fight for the incoming freshmen, just like my predecessor Alecia Magnifico. You might ask yourself, "Just what has Darth Nader done for this campus?" (You also might ask yourself, "Just what is the connection between a semi-duck and a semi-truck?" They both have headlights, except for the semi. -a) (Okay, maybe we're not funny again. -q) (Hey, that was a direct quote from the notes. -a) (Oh, so maybe it's everyone else who's not funny. -q) Voiceover: We now return you to your regularly scheduled WSIL Business, already in progress. BK: Candidate Ravage was voted sentient by the populace because they like Alecia. This just goes to show that apathetic disregard for the issues has become the norm in today's politics. AT: To our Alaskan viewers who would like to avoid the ten-day blizzard I foresee for the next two days, you might want to start sacrificing black-and-white text and art to the Snow God BEM. Do it before he undergoes his annual bug-eyed metamorphosis. Submit to BEM before "subit to bem!" QA: Start thinking of moovies for next semester. By random executive decree, nominations will happen on Bov--November 25. Personally, I'd be in favor of seeing Killer Cows from Outer Space, Bovine University, Cow Wars, The Sound of Moosic, and Superman III. (What's wrong with you? -b) This Monday's moovie will be Tron, (umm... is there any really famous actor? -q) (Who's a cow? -b) (What's wrong with *her*?? What's wrong with *you*?! -a). BK: The Democrats and Republicans already had their conventions. In fact, they already had their election. But now we focus on a group that won't have their convention for another week and a half: the Philadelphia Science Fiction Society (aka PSFS -a). If you've never been to a science fiction convention, maybe you should. If you have, you definitely should, but you don't need me to tell you that. AT: That's not what the cue cards say! They say "If you're going you shouldn't, and if you're not going you should, so you're screwed either way, ha ha ha!" BK: Shut up and do the weather! (Yeah, we're funny again. -a) AT: Hey, Ross is the new Shut People Up Dude (aka SPUD! -q). You can't do that! QA: I think I'll take this opportunity to mention that we are trying to get Susan Cooper ("Susan Mooper" is just moo much -q) as the keynote speaker at this year's Sixteenth Annual American Bovine Classic. The Collective requests that, in the unlikely event that Ms. Cooper will be busy speaking at the Eleventh Semi-Annual National Waterfowl Awareness Seminar, WSIL viewers think of possible alternative speakers. Send your nominations to WSIL anchorman Ben Kenewsi at . BK: This just in! WSIL Business has been sold to Matt Fowles for the sum of *one dollar*. (A herring! -b) (No, no, don't! I didn't say that! -b) Please stay tuned for... ,',',',', Non-WSIL Business ,',',',', AT: Bryn Mawr is planning to show The Rocky Horror Picture Show this coming Saturday at 11:30. Little do they know that on Friday night, Bryn Mawr will be cut off from the rest of Pennsylvania and dropped into the ocean due to an unexpected volcanic eruption. (What ocean? -b) (What *volcano*? -a) It serves them right, since I'm depressed about baseball ending, even though the Yankees did win. QA: On Friday, Kyra will be having a showing of Blackudder 2 in Trotter 203 at 7 pm, in preparation for the Sixteenth Annual American Bovine Classic, which will be hel-- AT: And his pot is blacker than his kettle. Anyway, with the full moon being this weekend, and with the garrison having left Rome, and with Caesar's army having advanced across the Rubicon, the battle will occur. No, actually, there will be another Full Moon Road Rally in Philly. If you have a car, you should go. Just beware of the encroaching plague of locusts from the south. BK: The forces of Chaos will descend upon Swarthmore this weekend. They will want to game. That's all for today. For Quinn Aymoodala and Abi-Wan Tsunami, I'm Ben Kenewsi, and this has been WSIL News. ,',',',', The Attendance List ,',',',', Of Alumni, Crunchy Cod, + Questionable Soup -- 11/4/00 (\documentclass{article} \begin{document} -q) John "$\emptyset$" Finkbiner (\end{document} -q) BDan "all of the below" Fairchild Robert "Lagrangian of an oscillating burrito" McFarland Rebecca "desicated tomatos float" Jones Sarah "aka Bruce?" Bergstrom Jim "If this quote comes to three consecutive meetings, can we dismember it?" Moskowitz (It has to prove sentience first. -a) Kyla "graveyard shuttle driver -- bad Joe for not riding!" Tornheim Hollis "Identical Twin" Easter (Amy' "Identical Quintuplet" Marinello -q) Arcadia "If I can't remember whether I own the book, it's all right to buy another copy" Falcone Dan "I am lost! Oh, I am lost!" Blim Jimmy "Spectral lemonade does not work on the left side of Sharples." Kong (The left side when you're walking in the front or the back? It's very important! -a) Jay "Is it that no quote is good enough for me, or that I'm too good for any quote, or is it just the opposite?" Scott (Yes. -b) (ba- Tuoba gniklat uoy era llab tahw?) Snibor "Ti htiw laed. Noitpircsed etarucca na si suht dna, noitamixorppa na ylerem si "llab" mret eht." Eoj (Caroopta! -q) Rachel "silent" Sapiro ( -) JC "Creslin" Ravage chaos "not a responsible adult! what are you people thinking?" golubitsky (If dodos still existed, they could *learn* to fly! -a) ("" -b) (I want to see Superman III. -q) Amy "there's an ORC on your ARS" Swift Hector "C'est Fantastique!" Berlioz Kyra "Girl on a swing" Jucovy ~Elliot "spoon" Reed (There is no Reed. -q) (You should use a Sharples knife. It's dull, you twit, it'll hurt more! -a) Hannah "taking the A train" Schneider Katrina "non-vegetarian ice cream is odd." Mergen Lots of other people who would have gotten to sign the attendance list if only people had passed it around at a reasonable rate why back in my day we had to pass the attendance list uphill both ways... ,',',',', Abi-Wan Tsunami, Ben Kenewsi, and Quinn Aymoodala ,',',',',