1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT: The Return of Jean Grey + __________________________________________ or "Oh No, Not Again" All characters copyright by Marvel Comics Group. Intended music copyright 1981 by Warner Brothers Communications. Lyrics and all dialogue not already copyright by Marvel copyright 1986 by Alison Knapp, Swarthmore College, Swarthmore PA 19081, and Shoshanna Green, UCLA Computer Science Dept., LA, CA 90024. 1 Our first show was dedicated "to Chris Claremont, with affection and respect." While our affection and respect for Mr. Claremont have not lessened, the events which prompted this sequel make a new dedication more appropriate. So it is with regret that we dedicate Schlock Treatment: The Return of Jean Grey + ___________________________________________ To CHRIS CLAREMONT with deepest sympathy. 1 CAST OF CHARACTERS + __________________ Scott Summers: a jerk Madelyne Summers: a pilot Rachel Summers: a Phoenix Magneto: a X-villain Ororo Munroe: a X-wind-rider Logan: a X-killer Kurt Wagner: a swashbuckler Rogue: a Georgia peach Kitty Pryde: a phaser Peter Rasputin: a dummy Illyana Rasputin: a sorceress Charles Xavier: a bsent The New Mutants: a nnoying Hank McCoy: a beast Bobby Drake: a nice man Warren Worthington: a ngel The: A vengers Reed Richards: a scientist Susan Storm Richards: a ninvisible female Lockheed: a dragon The Watcher: a watcher Jean Grey: a re-creation 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page ACT I + _____ PROLOGUE + ________ (The mansion. We page through various scenes of daily life. In the library, Magneto is presenting a copy of Origin of Species to Rahne. + _________________ Sam is in his room struggling with a copy of the Study Guide to the S.A.T.s. Illyana and Kurt are sorting Christmas decorations in the living room while Amara watches them bemusedly. Kitty and Doug are working on the computer. Roberto is locked in his room, admiring himself in a large mirror. Dani is mucking out the stables. Peter is sitting on his bed with a large bottle of Windex, polishing his chest. Logan is practicing ikebana. In the attic bathroom, Ororo is shaving. Rogue is lounging in the tv room, reading The Three Faces of Eve; + ______________________ Warlock lights her book while he peruses the latest copy of "Byte". Rachel meditates in her room.) (Cue "Xavier's SGY" music.) (voice-over) The New Mutants: We're just normal kids With normal problems, Like homework, acne, And super villains, At Xavier's. We work hard all day, And all through the night. And in between, learn how to fight, At Xavier's. Yes, Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters Will teach us how not to be monsters. Physics labs and moral ethics, And best of all is battle tactics. You can call us an image of the future. We're here to guide you not to hurt you. 'Cause Xavier's is the school That teaches us how to rule. If you're looking for a life of action, We'll deliver what you are askin'-- Again and again and again and again and again! Xavier's, Xavier's For homo superiors, It don't require the SAT's. Xavier's, Xavier's Has higher criteria. Yes, it's the place For the mutant race It's Xavier's, Xavier's SGY! 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page It's an origin of species, A new sort of biology. We've got a great genetic pot-pourri-- The word's "diversity". Evolution-wise we're the latest; Enrollment's low, but certainly increasing! Come along to Xavier's, Xavier's is the best! Xavier's, Xavier's, For homo superiors; If your genes are radiated come on by! Xavier's, Xavier's, We've got great professors, And there's nothing like Our social life At Xavier's, Xavier's SGY! Xavier's, Xavier's, For homo superiors, It's the only place we want to be. Xavier's, Xavier's We'll just stay here for years, It's the home for us, 'Cause the job placement sucks, It's Xavier's, Xaviers SGY! SCENE I + _______ (Ororo's attic, occupied by Scott and Madelyne.) Scott: I have to stay. To lead the team. Madelyne: Why?! Scott: Because I'm needed. Professor Xavier's gone! And Magneto---the X-Men's oldest, deadliest foe---is in charge of the school. He says he's reformed, that he promised the professor he'd take good care of the New Mutants. I'll just bet he will. Madelyne: You don't believe Magneto? Scott: Not for an instant. For all we know he may have murdered Professor X himself. Madelyne: What about me? I have a life of my own---a career-- --do you expect me to chuck it?! Scott: I thought the baby changed all that. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Madelyne: It's our child, chum, our responsibility! + ___ ___ I have skills, I can earn a living---can you say the same?! Scott: I have a responsibility to the X-Men, Madelyne... Madelyne: There's no one else to do the job---not Ororo?! Scott: Storm has no powers. She'd be a liability in a combat situation. Madelyne: Listen to yourself, Scott! Are you saying that you ---and you alone---are absolutely essential to + _________ the X-Men's survival?! Or are you afraid they really can get along witout you? Is your life so hollow--- your sense of self-worth so fragile---that you believ you're nothing without them?! What about me, what abo us?! My commitment to us precludes everything-- + __ __________ --are you telling me the same doesn't hold true in reverse?!! (Exit Scott, without meeting Madelyne's eyes. Fade out.) SCENE II + ________ (A dark and dismal room in the mansion. Enter Scott, alone and depressed as usual.) Scott: Almost fifteen years ago I was a lost,lonely, luckless, lorn, little boy---found terribly injured with my defenseless younger brother, Alex, in an open, empty, bleak, desolate, frozen, mid-winter prairie. Of warm, loving family life---of any comfort save my sparse, simple name---I had no glimmer of memory, and so I was interred in an oppressive, soul-crushing state orphanage. Years later, in my teens, I discovered, to my horror, that I am an inhuman, abnormal mutant, whose cursed eyes fire unrestrained bolts of well-nigh irresistabl deadly force. That was when I became, body and soul (now and forever?), an X-Man. Now I'm a father. I have a son. Why aren't you here, Professor---to share that joy with me? What happened in Paris between you and Magneto?! Can we trust him?! Why doesn't Madelyne understand that I have a duty... (Cue "Gloomin' in the Danger Room" music.) Scott: Dear visor Won't you give me some advice, sir, Oh, Professor Won't you help me to address her? Mutant locator, 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page You're gonna find me sooner or later, Glooming in the Danger Room or Flying to Alaska tonight. Dear ceiling Why can't she know just what I'm feeling, Oh, floor Just like she always did before? Psionic powers They really really ought to be ours, 'cause I'm Glooming in the Danger Room or Flying to Alaska tonight. Everything used to be OK; I led the team, and Jean, Or Madelyne, was all I'd need. Professor Xavier, Why aren't you here to be my saviour, 'cause I'm Glooming in the Danger Room or Flying to Alaska tonight. Superhero, But I feel like a big zero-- Got a family, No one seems to notice me. Magneto's leading, My influence is fast receding and I'm Glooming in the Danger Room or Flying to Alaska tonight. I'm the team leader, But I'm gonna be sooner or later Glooming in the Danger Room or Flying to Alaska tonight. (Fade out.) SCENE III + _________ (In the hallways of the mansion, Ororo searches for Scott.) (voice-over) Ororo: ... Scott has changed greatly since Jean's death; he has had to grow. Yet this growth, incomplete as it is, has affected his ability to lead the team, but he does not see it. Still, he has been an excellent leader. Perhaps he would still be the best, if I had not changed also. In many ways he and I are similar. In the years since Phoenix died we have both begun to learn to face and accept our emotions. And we are still learning. But i may be that for our growth to continue, we must each 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page be where, perhaps, we would not wish to be; I with th X-Men, and Scott building a life with Madelyne. Since Forge stole my powers, the center of my being, I must find a way to go on without them: to be a woma not a goddess. Perhaps as the X-Men's leader, and as powerless mutant, I shall find a way to join humanity and mutantkind together, to bridge the gap, to end th fear. Still, Scott will never believe that I am now the better leader. He still remembers when the team relie on him, when he was Professor Xavier's chosen success Somehow, I must prove myself to him. (Ororo finds Scott alone in a darkened room.) Ororo (aloud): Excuse me, but a decision must be made. One of us mus lead. The best way, I feel, is a duel---you and I, Cyclops, alone in the Danger Room. Unless, of course, you would rather step aside...? Scott: No. (Ororo gestures "After you." Exit Scott and Ororo.) SCENE IV + ________ (The Danger Room. Scott and Ororo slug it out as the others watch. Suddenly, Ororo knees Scott in the groin. Scott falls down, and the fight ends with Ororo victorious.) Scott: (Dubious, incredulous, stunned) I...lost. How can that be? She has no powers. How will she lead the team? I can't believe this, I really lost... (Scott continues this pathetic, repetitive monologue throughout the scene.) (Cue "In My Own Way" music.) Ororo: If only you knew How to deal with changes. You're no good to the team As you are. You can't understand What has happened. But they're my team now and I'll lead them in my own way. No longer a trusting child, Or a vengeful goddess, 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page I'm simply a woman, "plain folks". But there's more to me Than my mutant powers; they're not crutches I must lean upon. So don't tell me that I can't, You know that actions speak louder than words. I did win the fight, I'm leader by right-- Surely the best X-Man won. And so here I am, right back Where I started, But I'm not the same as I was. I'm older and wiser, Secure in myself, And so I will lead the team, Yes, I will lead the team, So I will lead my team + __ In my own way. In my own way. In my own way. In my own way. Ororo: Scott, why don't you go talk to Madelyne. Scott: I...lost. + ____ (The X-Men look relieved, all except Logan who gazes wistfully at his claws. Fade out.) SCENE V + _______ (The kitchen of the X-Mansion. Logan, Kurt, and Rogue prepare dinner.) Kurt: So once again you were right...and I owe you another case of beer. Logan: (peeling potatoes) Anyone could'a seen his heart wasn't in it, Elf. Rogue: Except Scott. He still doesn't believe he lost, + _____ that he ain't the leader anymore. --Pass me that fork, would ya?-- He was really crushed. Logan: Scotty's problem is that he's gotten what he's always asked for--a normal life. Now he has to find out if that's what he really wants. A regular guy or a superhero--he can't be both. Kurt: I think the last few weeks have reminded him how exciting life as a swashbuckling adventurer can be. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page (He brandishes a stalk of celery.) And then there's Rachel... I don't know if he's figured her out or not, but it's obvious he's been thinking of Jean a lot lately, and what his life was like with Phoenix. Logan: Now all he's got to do is remember what that life cost us all, why he left us. Rogue: Why d'y'all act so peculiar when you talk about Jean? It's not just 'cause she's dead, is it? Logan: No. (Cue "Thank God I'm Human" music.) Kurt: As Phoenix she was much More like the stars that she touched. She had travelled far beyond this human realm. Her power was too great-- And we understood too late-- To save her humanity from being overwhelmed. Logan: Her lost humanity Took with it her sanity. To redeem her mortal soul required a sacrifice. So she gave the life she loved To save the love she couldn't have. Humanity, never lost, was her saving grace. Rogue: So why bother? Why bother Fighting on and on? Where is the justice? Is all this just pretense--the defense Of "Homo Superior"? If she was the most that a mutant could be-- Yet no more, never more, Than her humanity? Logan: But don't you see? That's just the point: Mutantkind is not distinct. Humanity is not a genetic trait. Mutants are anomalies, But not abnormalities. Our task is to re-educate all who state: "Muties Have cooties, 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Thank God I'm human." (Fade out.) SCENE VI + ________ (A bedroom in the mansion. Rachel is huddled on the bed, crying quietly.) (The hallway outside. Kitty comes down the hall and stops at the door, which is an inch or two ajar. She listens for a moment, hesitates, the knocks lightly.) (voiceover) Rachel: K-Kate? Kitty: Rachel, it's Kitty. Are you all right? I mean, can I help? (There is no answer. We can hear Rachel trying to control her breathing. Kitty opens the door and goes in, closing it quietly behind her.) (Inside the room. Kitty comes over to the bed and sits cross-legged on it, facing Rachel but not touching her. Rachel straightens up a little clutching something to her chest.) Kitty: What's wrong, Rachel? Rachel: Kitty, how much do you remember about the future? Kitty: Not much. I guess I was unconscious most of the time. I knew it was the future, and I remember being carried. Then you were holding me, and I couldn't see you, but I guess I could feel your mind. You were so sad, it seemed like you were being torn apart. And-- and just before I woke up, someone kissed me. Rachel: I remember a lot more than that. (They are both silent for a moment.) Kitty: What are you holding, Rachel? Rachel: (hands Kitty a photograph) It's a picture of...of my folks. I found it in Rogue' room. She'd put it away, but I knew where it was. Kitty: (looking at the picture) It's Scott and Jean...but, Rachel, you know they're not really your folks-- Rachel: I know that! But they're all I've got, don't you 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page understand? It's so much like home here--but it's all so wrong! + _____ Kitty: Rachel, what happened to your parents? Did they die? Rachel: Yes...the army attacked the mansion, they killed Professor Xavier and Illyana and Nicky and Ann and Moira and Kurt and Amanda and took the rest of us away. Mom and Dad were out trying to find Hank and Warren; the Sentinels brought their bodies to the camp in a week and made us bury them with the others. We tried to stop it, we sent you back in time to stop it, but nothing changed, and when you came back we were the only ones left, and-- Kitty: What did you think would happen? Did you think your whole world would pop out of existence? Rachel: I don't know, I don't know! This isn't my past, + _____________ Senator Kelly didn't die, but people still hate mutan they're still building Sentinels and planning the-- the camps, and no-one's doing anything about it! You all sit around studying, and training, and chasing purse-snatchers in some alley--what do you think you' training for? + ___ Kitty: What do you want to do? Rachel: I want to prevent it! I've got another chance, and I' going to take it! My mother was Phoenix, and I'm going to live up to that! Kitty: Rachel-- Rachel: Yes, you're all afraid of me because of that, aren't you? You don't understand...my mom was beautiful and strong, and the Phoenix power sang inside her. She told me once her whole life was like a song! (Pause.) I miss her so much. I wish I could be with her. Her grave's in Annandale. I'm scared to go...but I want to. Kitty: Rachel...go. Rachel: I...yes. I will. (Rachel leaves. Kitty picks the picture up from the bed, holds it a moment, and sets it up on the bureau. She leaves too.) 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page SCENE VII + _________ (At the Greys' house. Rachel stands by her grandparents' bed, holding the memory crystal.) Rachel: Ohhhh...I sense thoughts--emotions--but most importantly, her presence...as if she was actually here! Can you see me, Mommy? What I am...all I've done? Forgive me--for the lives, the hope, I lost, the promise I betrayed. They call you the Chaos-Bringer. They say Phoenix was evil, that your power was too terrible to be controlled--and your human spirit too weak to withstand its temptations. I say that's wrong! I'm your daughter--first-born and only child--and I claim the power and the name of Phoenix that are mine by right! (Cue "Rachel's Song" music.) Rachel: Tell me, how did it happen, How did my tomorrow Develop from this yesterday? And how can I exist if I was never born? It's no use waiting for answers. I must change the future Or history will repeat And there's only one path that I can take-- I don't want to be a super-heroine, I don't have the time right now. I don't want to spend my life killing time. I'm gonna save my friends, Won't let them die again. I'll change history somehow. The Phoenix is alive-- Gonna make my Mommy proud! Oh, I am a song, And I am a star, And I will change the coming day With the power that my mom gave to me. I'm gonna make amends For all my sins And I'm gonna clear Phoenix's name. Now I'll be a hound hunting down The Sentinels. I don't want to be a super-heroine, I don't have the time right now. I don't want to spend my life killing time. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page I'm gonna save my friends, Won't let them die again. I'll change history somehow. The Phoenix is alive-- Gonna make my Mommy proud! (speaks) This isn't my world, my past. This Cyclops isn't my father, and his wife is Madelyne, not Mom. But they're all still the X-Men, and in a way their child is my half-brother... I'll protect them, I'll keep them safe and happy. I swear it, Mommy. On my li SCENE VIII + __________ (The attic. Madelyne sits alone with the baby.) Madelyne: The reservations are made, baby. This time tomorrow we'll be on our way home. I wanted Scott to lose, so that he'd be coming with us. Except that losing broke his heart. Oh, why can't it be because he wants to, instead of because he has no choice? But none of this has any meaning to you, does it, sweet-pea? So long as you're fed and warm--and loved- you're happy. We should all be so lucky. (Cue "Lullaby" music.) Why does he act like cold steel, And doesn't know how I feel? He's a jerk. He's a jerk. All our words fall apart; It was better at the start. He's a jerk. He's a jerk. We're a joke, what a joke. I'm just a token. Why won't he know, does he know What is broken? Romance is not a comic book. There's more than the X-Men, If only he would look. Drift away in peaceful dreams. You know I'll be here for you. Go to sleep. Don't think of me, only of you. Let the night take away your fears. Night-night, it's time for bye-byes, No need to break your silence here. Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep. Night-night, it's time for bye-byes. It's been a great day, thanks a heap, 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep. (speaks) I know that Scott loves me. I just wish he knew how to handle it! I know he's still torn up about losing Jean, and I know my resemblance to her hasn't helped...but why can't he realize that it doesn't matter? He's just got to accept her death, and go on! SCENE IX + ________ (Avengers Mansion. We join the Avengers, already assembled. They and the FF are pinned to the walls and ceiling of Avengers Mansion's lab b a newly emerged Jean Grey, who is frightened but defiant in the remains of her evening gown.) Jean: Your rotten little game is finished, Lang, your so-called X-Sentinels are falling apart. Now it's your...turn... Hey, wait a minute. (Jean hesitates in confusion. The heroes begin settling to the floor as she shakes her head, trying to understand.) Reed: How do you do, miss, I'm Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four, and... Susan: Who are you? Where have you come from? (Cue "Little Black Dress" music.) Jean: The last thing that I can remember Before my memory seems to have failed me... We were fighting X-Sentinels. There we were, caught in space, And here I am in what is left of my little black dress. Well, the Sentinels had attacked, But we'd beaten them all back. The shuttle had been cracked, So I had to fly it back. Radiation went TAC, TAC, TAC... I was flying, I was dying, It really was a mess... And now here I am In my little black dress. Now I know that something odd must have occurred, For my chances of survival were pretty absurd. Yes, I really am surprised To see that I survived In my ripped-up, torn-apart, very short little black dress. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Well, I don't know who you are, But this has gone way too far. You can't be who you say you are, The world just ain't that bizarre. Still, it's gonna be real hard To explain just how I came To be in this mess, And why I still wear My real little black dress. My one constant (one constant) consistent (consistent is this rent little black dress. Reed: I don't know; Sue, dear, what do you think we should Susan: It seems to me, Reed, what she needs is history. Her past's a lie, and we should try to find out why Her one constant (one constant) consistent (consisten is this rent little black dress. Jean: Look, can I use your phone? I'd like to call a friend SCENE X + _______ (The Mansion, Ororo's attic. Scott and Madelyne pace around each other.) Scott: So Madelyne, what shall we do now, Jean? Madelyne: Say WHAT?! 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page ACT II + ______ SCENE I + _______ (In the Grey's living room. Reed, Sue, and Jean try to piece together what has happened.) Reed: ...so you see, Miss Grey's memories are stored within this "empathic" crystal---only they're not really Miss Grey's memories... Susan: I'm not sure I follow you, Reed. Jean: Well, I was piloting the shuttle and expecting to die, and I did, but I'm living, and I still don't + _____ know why! (Reed hands the crystal to Jean.) (Cue "Storytime" music.) Jean: I am the only me, That's what I used to think. Now I am not so sure, My past's become obscure. Within this ball I see Traces of memory. They can't belong to me-- I was still dead, you see. A creature of energy Hungering to be me... This is the true story. Yes, the true story. True story True story And yet it couldn't be-- How could it have replaced me? It fooled all telepathy It fooled Claremont too, I see It's nonsense, entirely, Just much too much to believe. Is this a new story? Maybe a new story? New story New story New story Reed: New story...mmm... Miss Grey, I think you may be on to something here. It seems...it's almost as if history had been rewritten! 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Susan: Rewritten? What do you mean? Reed: I'm not sure. Mutant psychohistory is not my field, particularly when imposed on a pre-existing matrix. Perhaps Miss Grey's mentor Charles Xavier would be a better person to ask. (He calls off-stage) Professor Xavier, sir! Could we speak with you? SCENE II + ________ (Professor Xavier walks into view. The background scenery wavers a little.) Xavier: Hello, Jean. Good to see you again. Hello, Dr. Richards, Mrs. Richards. Jean: Do you know what's going on, Professor? Xavier: I'm not sure, Jean. If you'll allow me to psi-scan you... (Xavier concentrates a moment. While he is thinking, Scott comes in. The background is fading out.) Jean: Scott, darling! (Jean and Scott embrace.) Scott: I've missed you...I think... Jean: I seem to have missed quite a bit. (Other characters wander in and greet Jean, pleased but perplexed.) Jean: Professor, have you discovered anything? (Cue "Rewriting" music.) Xavier: I don't know what exactly is going on here-- This plot is twisted beyond any ken. Jean was going to die But a being preserved her-- I've seen comics Use those gimmicks all too often. Now I'm sure that this story Was different before, Something has changed in this plot. And just what it is I think I am sure-- Jean used to be Phoenix, but now 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page She is not. All: There's been a bit of, ooh, Rewriting Yeah, the storyline just won't hold still. There's been a bit of, ooh, Rewriting I don't know what's been going on But something has been going wrong And Claremont's looking pretty ill. Jean, Scott: We've lost all our logic. We're uncharacteristic. Our condition is critically grave. This inconstancy is really alarming, Confusion, in profusion, rules the day. All: There's been a bit of, ooh, Rewriting Yeah, the storyline just won't hold still. There's been a bit of, ooh, Rewriting I don't know what's been going on But something has been going wrong And Claremont's looking pretty ill. (By now the scenery is completely gone, and the characters are standing against a blank white background.) Dani: So that's Phoenix. Wow. Rahne: No, Dani, did ye na' hear? It's been changed; Miss Grey was never Phoenix. Warlock: Even self is smart enough not to believe that. Susan: Stop it! Can't you see Marvel Girl's on the verge of a nervous breakdown? + _________________ (Jean faints and begins to fall; Scott catches her.) Reed: Sue, quickly! Why did you say that? Susan: Why, I--I don't know! I just found myself saying it-- Reed: And Miss Grey was fine until you did, but then immediately fainted. Something is very wrong here. (Reed goes to one side and begins working on some impressive equipment which is garishly labeled: "Ronco Universe-Blink Detectomatic (TM)".) Scott: Jean! Jean, are you all right? Jean: Yes...yes. I don't know what happened to me. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Logan: (sqatting down beside them) How you doin', Jeannie? Jean: All right. Hello, Wolverine. Hey--I like the new costume. Logan: Thanks. Look, Jeannie, my name...oh, never mind. Reed: I was right! The shock of this--rewriting--has effected changes in our behavioral patterns. In essence, we are all beginning to act...well, out of character. Hank: Huh...I'd wondered why the Defenders' apparent deaths didn't bother me. Scott: And I left Madelyne without a word of explanation. Bobby: And I'm an accountant...? Kurt: But how could this have happened? Who could do such a thing? Watcher: Excuse me... Scott: Watcher! Reed: Uatu, what do you know of this? Watcher: I am forbidden to interfere. Yet I may tell you this; one comes who can answer all your questions. In his own universe he is all, an ego of unimaginable power. take care. He comes! Illyana: My soulsword! I've never seen it glow like this! And I sense something... (Enter Jim Shooter. He is carrying a briefcase marked "Top Secret: My Eyes Only" and wearing an identification badge from the Ministry of Truth.) Shooter: What's going on here? Why are you all just standing around? Get back to the story! Logan: You scummy-- (Logan begins to lunge at Shooter; Jean quickly waves her hand at him.) Jean: Wolverine, hold it! Logan: My claws! I can't move my claws! 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Warren: Who are you? What do you know about our story? Shooter: I wrote it! I'm in charge! You're not supposed to be here, why are you here? (Shooter opens his briefcase and rummages inside. Several folders fall to the floor; he snatches one up and reads from it.) Shooter: See here--"SCENE TWO: Everyone rejoices at the return of Jean Grey." So rejoice, dammit! (Kitty picks up another of the folders and reads the title on the front.) Kitty: "Secret Wars Fourteen: The One From Beyond Goes Quantity Surveying." What the...? Shooter: Give me that! (Shooter snatches the folder from Kitty's hands.) Reed: You can't do this! To change the past in such a fashion could have terrible consequences! Shooter: Do not speak to me in absolutes, Reed Richards. There is nothing I "cannot do". The force of my will is all-powerful! Reed: Wrong, Shooter. You may have great powers, god-like powers. You may be able to perform miracles. But there yet remains one power in the universe greater than you, greater than anyone! The power of history, + _______ Shooter! If you alter that now, you will create a chain-reaction, a trans-temporal shock wave that + _________________________ will rip across the space-time continuum, shattering all before it! Shooter: Don't babble to me about the power of history, Richards. History is nothing when compared to the power of me! (Cue "Carte Blanche" music.) Shooter: Carte blanche, it is my privilege-- I can do whatever I please. Mmm, hmm I'm the editor and I can settle you-- I don't care about your history. Mmm, hmm You're all little fucks 'cause I've got the bucks-- I can rewrite it just to suit me. Mmm, hmm 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page So if you're looking for a writer Who can fill you full of fear, then baby, Look at me! Ohh, ohh Look at me! (Shooter puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles piercingly. At once Jackson Guice and Bob Layton scurry onto the scene.) Shooter: Now you listen to me. I want you to do exactly what my underlings here say. Got it? All mutants: But-- (Shooter leaves. Guice and Layton sit down in the center of the floor. They don't seem to hear the characters pleading with them, but take out crayons and paper. As they begin to write and sketch, Warren, Bobby, and Hank are dragged offstage by invisible hands. The New Mutants wink out one by one, and the X-Men are slowly fading. Finally, of the mutants only Jean is left. The FF and the Avengers try to comfo her, but she sits with her face in her hands. Finally they leave quietly, and as they exit Guice and Layton fade out, until Jean is the only one left.) SCENE III + _________ (Jean sits alone and depressed in the blankness. As she sings the background begins to fade in, until she is in a guest room of Avengers' Mansion.) (Cue "Looking for Plot" music.) Jean: Now what do I Do with my life? I'm back, you see, With no reason to be. I'm really lost-- I'm looking for plot. There's something I want-- I'm looking for plot. It's gonna be rough, I don't have enough Raison d'etre. But I am stuck here, And it's been made clear That the money is all that matters. I'm on a dead-end street, With no chance of retreat. I've left death to come home To a world I don't know. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page It's a Gordion Knot-- I'm looking for plot. I need a new cause-- I'm looking for plot. Oh, we're all acting like we're brainless morons, With Shooter in power that's probably true. I'm no longer Phoenix, My character's in pieces, I don't belong here. What am I supposed to do?! I came from the past, And I cannot go back. The only answer I see, Is bring the past to me. Hank, Warren, Bobby, and Scott-- I'm looking for plot. There's something I want-- I'm looking for plot. It's gonna be rough, We don't have enough Raison d'etre. But we are stuck here, And it's been made clear That the money is all that matters. We're looking for plot! (Fade out.) SCENE IV + ________ (Warren Worthington's mansion, on a butte in Arizona. Warren is flying around with Candy in his arms. At the moment, his life as an adventure seems distant, indeed!) Warren: Wow, it's good to stretch and fly like this. (Bobby comes out of the house, carrying some big boxes. At the moment, his life as an adventurer seems distant, indeed!) Bobby: You'll have lots of time to enjoy it, Angel, now that the Defenders have--uh--broken up. Me, I've got to get to my job as an accountant. Warren: An accountant? Really? Bobby: Yeah, I've decided Mom and Dad were right after all. It beats some careers... (Hank comes cartwheeling out of the house, balancing more boxes on his feet. At the moment, his life as an adventurer seems distant, indeed!) 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Hank: Warren, there's a phone call for you. (Warren swoops low over the pool and drops Candy in as he heads to the house. She shakes her fist playfully at him. At the moment, her life as an adventurer seems distant, indeed!) (Warren enters the kitchen and picks up the receiver.) Warren: Hello, Worthington here...What? She's WHAT?! Yes, yes...I'll be right there! (He hangs up the phone.) Gosh, and just when my life as an adventurer was seeming distant, indeed! (Exit Warren, running. Fade out.) SCENE V + _______ (Scott is in an elevator, ascending. At his floor he gets out, only to be stopped at gunpoint by security guards.) Guard: Freeze! Hold it right there? Scott: What's going on? I'm a guest of Mr. Worthington's! (The guard looks him up and down, then pulls out a notebook and flips through it.) Guard: OK, here you are. You're cleared, sir. Go on through. (Scott goes on down the hall, somewhat confused. Behind him, the guard pulls out a walkie-talkie.) Guard: Periphery to central: "Blinky" has arrived. Periphery out. (Scott enters a conference room at the end of the hall. Inside are Jean, Warren, Bobby, and Hank. A banner on the wall proclaims: "Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters: Welcome, Class of 1975!") Jean: Hi, Scott--miss me? Scott: Jean! My God, what...? This is incredible! Bobby: Yes, Scott, she's back! Isn't it wonderful? Jean: Oh, Scott, I'm so glad we're together again! Scott: I...uh-- 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page Warren: We've been helping Jean adjust to the modern world. She was on the bottom of the bay all this time, can you believe it? Scott: Uh--well... Jean: And I can't believe what's happened in that time. This "Project Wideawake", and members of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in the X-Men...how could you have let this happen, Scott? Scott: Um...It's-- Hank: But Jean's come up with a wonderful idea. We can work for the benefit of mutants again, just as Professor Xavier taught us! Jean: We can masquerade as human, and go out mutant-hunting When people find a mutant, they'll call us, and we'll capture him and train him secretly! Don't you think it's a good idea? Scott: Er--that is... Warren: I knew you'd like it, that's why I've had these ads playing in prime-time for a week. (He pulls down a huge video screen. A commercial begins; the scene is o a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly, the house explodes.) (voiceover) Announcer: Mutants. You've heard your friends complain about the You know what trouble they can be. And now, you've go them. Right in your own neighborhood. What are you go to do? They'll drive down the property values. Your friends won't want to visit. And what about the children? (An announcer enters the image. He's a nice man. He's wearing a nice jacket, and nice jeans.) Announcer: Well, don't panic. Help is on the way! We're X-FACTOR mutant busters, and we specialize in mutant control and deactivation! No gene is too small, no problem to personal, for us to intervene. Just call X-FACTOR, at 1-800-938-2587, and tell us the problem. Operators are standing by to take your calls. We'll be there in minutes, and you'll never have to be afraid again. Remember, X-FACTOR kills those pesky mutants dead! (Fade out.) 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page SCENE VI + ________ (A medley of scenes; Jean sewing X-Factor outfits, commercials playing in department store displays, over bars, etc., people noting down the phone number. Hank and Bobby are buying out Herman's World of Sporting Goods. Warren is being interviewed by Audubon Magazine, and then is featured on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous". Hank does a spot for "Hartz Flea and Tick Collars (TM)". Bobby invests in a calculator. We see all of X-Factor toasting their own success with a bottle of champagne; behind them is the official X-Factor van, bearing the legend: "Mutant Containment Unit: Mutants Come In, But They Don't Come Out!") (Cue "It's Gonna Be Really Neat" music.) All: We're a group of mutant superheroes Secretly But eliminate the mutant threat Ostensibly. A mission begins with the cardinal sin Of genetics gone astray again. Oh, it's gonna be really neat! Oh, it's gonna be really neat! Warren: With a brand-new corporation Hank: And secret identities Bobby: We can fool the whole damn nation Jean: By pretending to humanity! All: We'll make a big killing off mutant oppression This could be the start of a whole new career. Look what you can do with your education-- Professor Xavier had no idea! Got a pocket Cerebro and some tight blue jumpsuits, Lots of money 'n' no compunctions. We'll give mutant-kind the public one-two, But training will be our private function. Ho ho ho Heh heh heh When radiation strikes you Who ya gonna call? We're in the Yellow Pages and you Can bet that we will make house calls! Just think how much fun it will be To pull one off on humanity. Oh, it's gonna be really neat! Oh, it's gonna be really neat! 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page SCENE VII + _________ (The mansion. The X-Men are lounging around watching T.V. in the den.) T.V.: ...Gone With the Wind will continue in a + __________________ moment, after this word from our sponsor. Announcer: Mutants. You've heard your friends complain about them... Logan: Yo, people! Look at this! Kurt: Isn't that Scott?...and Warren?...and--! Announcer: ...And what about the children?... Illyana: Gosh, Kitty, you don't look dangerous. Kitty: What do the dummies think they're doing?! Lockheed: Bleah! (Rachel bursts into the room.) Rachel: What's wrong? What's happened?! Rogue: It's this ad! Look! Announcer: ...Kills those pesky mutants dead! Rachel: DAD! ... Mom? Kurt: How can they do that? (Cue "Fighting On" music.) Rachel: I know what it is To be hunted and killed-- I've felt it all my life. From the time that I was trained To locate mutant minds I felt all their pain Their deaths became mine. I've been a lifetime on the run And I'd hoped that I was done. But it seems I've just begun-- This is heart-shaking and heart-breaking. I can't let my future come, So I'm gonna keep on and on Fighting on! 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page (The Phoenix-form begins to flicker around Rachel.) They may think that it's wise To utilize This mutant hysteria. They've got to be stopped; They just don't see what Could be brought about By their ill-conceived plot! I've been a lifetime on the run And I'd hoped that I was done. But it seems I've just begun-- This is heart-shaking and heart-breaking. I can't let my future come, So I'm gonna keep on and on Fighting on! All X-Men: Fighting on! Fighting on! SCENE VIII + __________ (A peaceful scene at X-Factor headquarters. Jean, Hank, Warren, Bobby, and Scott sit around waiting for the phone to ring. Suddenly, Rachel puts her fist through the wall. The X-Men follow her in through the opening, taking X-Factor completely by surprise.) Rachel: Betrayers! All X-Factor: Gosh, no! We're saviours! Logan: No, just trainers and fate's delayers. All X-Factor: But--- Kitty: Face it guys, your "answer"'s garbage. Jean: Well, you may call it garbage, but it's enough for us. Ororo: But do you not see, you just aid the slayers. Scott: A ridiculous accusation; just ask Professor Xavier! Kurt: You're the past's obeyers. Rachel: Rethink your ways...or... (Cue "Dialogue" music.) Jean: Don't belabour--- You're just jealous that you're not the ones who 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page thought of all of this first. Scott: Though we'll appease mutant haters, You know we're mutant crusaders too, Dreading where we're heading like you. Hank: Life's a no-fun, no-win state of affairs When you're running from the gunning of a bunch of mutie haters. All X-Factor: But we won't let it go from bad to worse! Warren: Despite your pride, You've lost your cause, You don't make any real headway at all. Bobby: Mutants still run, And have to hide from everyone. Scott: And that's the way It's gonna stay, So we may as well play the normals' game, All X-Factor: And if we can get rich too, well, that's just fine! Rachel: Are you all blind? Don't you see you're only feeding the real enemy: Bigotry. Kitty: The problem's not with mutant-kind; The solution's not to find a way To run and hide away. Ororo: We must change the way that society's perceiving. Undermine all they're finding wrong, believing what's deceiving. All X-Men: You're gonna make it go from bad to much worse! Logan: You think it's all Just a big game, Just another team with "X" in its name. Kurt: But don't you see, you Need more than cameraderie. Peter: Your brilliant scheme Is just a dream. Rogue: More like a nightmare, If you ask me. 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page All X-Men: Professor Xavier would be ashamed if he could see! Professor Xavier would be ashamed if he could see! Professor Xavier would be ashamed if he could see! Jean (speaks): You just don't understand how this business operates. We all do what we have to. (Cue "Anyhow, Anyhow" music.) Warren: Our story may be really awful, And characterization wrongful-- Hank: We've abandoned continuity, And surrendered our integrity-- Bobby: We sold out to the company, And traded our truth for their money-- Scott & Jean: But-- We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow, Increase the profit anyhow, anyhow, We're gonna do it, no matter how the plot is going. Watcher: Down, down, down. All X-Factor: We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow, Increase the profit anyhow, anyhow, We're gonna do it, just keep the money flowing. Watcher: More, more, more. All X-Factor: We know that Professor Xavier Wanted us to be mutant saviours Who'd make a world safe for everyone. We'll keep the Prof's dreams going on-- Oh, we will use his words verbatim Only for our ends pervert 'em! And-- We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow, We'll make this plot fit anyhow, anyhow, We're gonna do it no matter what the fans are throwin Watcher: Up, up, up. All X-Factor: We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow, We'll make this plot fit anyhow, anyhow, We're gonna do it, in spite of their groaning. Watcher: No, no, no. (The X-Men link arms and begin to sing, in a last, desperate attempt to combat the perfidious X-Factor philosophy.) 1 SCHLOCK TREATMENT page X-Men: Xavier's, Xavier's, For homo superiors, It's the only place we want to be. Xavier's, Xavier's We'll just stay here for years, It's the home for us, 'Cause the job placement sucks, It's Xavier's, Xaviers SGY! (X-Factor forcibly upstages the X-Men and sings louder to drown them ou All X-Factor: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow, Fill up a comic anyhow anyhow, We're gonna do it, it doesn't matter what we're doin' Watcher: Zip, zip, zip. All X-Factor: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow, Fill up a comic anyhow anyhow, We're gonna do it, we'll just keep on goin'! We'll just keep on goin'! We'll just keep on goin'! Watcher: Gone, gone, gone. All X-Factor: We'll just keep on goin'! (Fade out.)