1 THE ROCKY HORROR MUTANT SHOW + ____________________________ or "Hit Me, Harrass Me, Oh Baby, Depress Me!" All characters copyright by Marvel Comics Group. Intended music copyright 1974 by Druidcrest Music. Lyrics and all dialogue not already copyright by Marvel copyright 1986 by Alison Knapp, Swarthmore College, Swarthmore PA, 19081, and Shoshanna Green, UCLA Computer Science Dept., LA, CA 90024. 1 To CHRIS CLAREMONT with affection and respect 1 CAST OF CHARACTERS + __________________ Charles Xavier: a telepath Scott Summers: a wimp Kurt Wagner: a demon Ororo Munroe: a windrider Peter Rasputin: a jerk Wolverine: a killer Lilandra: a majestrix Jason Wyngarde: a villain The D'Barians: a sparagus Galactus: a bigwig Tha Captain: a Shi'ar The Watcher: a watcher Surnott: a peiringen thisfilm Phoenix: a self-creation 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page ACT I + _____ PROLOGUE + ________ (Cue "Superhero Without Equal" music.) Kurt, Ororo, Peter, Wolverine: All the mutants would run From homo sapien Until Xavier showed the way. Now we beat on the crooks, But we get dirty looks From the normals anyway. Still, when something goes wrong It won't take very long Before we'll save the day. But now it's one of our own And there's no escape known From the power of Jean Grey! She's a-- Superhero without equal, Marvel Girl was just a prequel. If she wants, she'll eat the planet, And Scott can't seem to understand it. Oh-h-h... See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow. We knew those Hellfire hoods Were up to no good, But we didn't understand. We thought we could put down Any bad guys around, And Phoenix was forever our friend. But then we saw our Jean Become the Black Queen, We were sure that this was the end. Jean helped conquer our foes But Dark Phoenix arose, Now we're running as fast as we can! From the-- Superhero without equal, Marvel Girl was just a prequel. If she wants, she'll eat the planet, And Scott can't seem to understand it. 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Oh-h-h See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow Out of control. See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow And eat her soul. See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow Scott & Jean: OH NO! Others: See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow. SCENE I + _______ (Exterior. Marvel Girl and Cyclops emerge from the ruins of a secret super-villain hideout. They are dressed in their original X-Men costumes, and have apparently just come from a fight as both are breathing heavily and brushing themselves off. The Watcher stands on stage left, arms folded. In the background is a billboard advertisement for Northstar Airlines. Miscellaneous shrapnel is strewn about.) Scott: Marvel Girl? Jean: Yes, Cyclops? Scott: I've got something to say. Jean Just think it, Cyclops. Scott: I really love the way you knit us new costumes every so often...you bake great cookies..um-- you look terrific in your miniskirt... Jean: Yes, Cyclops? Scott: Well, even though you're the weakest of the X-Men, while my immensely powerful eyebeams make me a menace to everyone around me... Jean: Yes, Cyclops? Scott: ...and even though I live in constant terror of losing control of my power and causing untold 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page death and destruction... Jean: Don't worry about it, Cyclops. What is it? (Cue "Shit Jean!" music.) Scott: The X-Men make a wonderful team, Jean So why can't I just say what I mean, Jean? I think that you're pretty keen, Jean. If I weren't such a coward I'd scream, Jean, (aside) I love you. (aloud) I'm less confident than I seem, Jean. My courage just runs out of steam, Jean. You're all that I ever could dream, Jean. I'm trying so hard to come clean, Jean, And tell you. (aside) Why can't I just tell her how I'm feeling? (You would think that she'd already know.) I must all my courage now be steeling To stand up tall and say I love her so! No--! Jean: I really like the way that you fought, Scott, If it weren't for you I'd have been caught, Scott. But Magneto's plans came to naught, Scott. Now Warren's asked me to lunch--but Hey, Scott! why not? Come eat too! Hey, Warren! Scott: Oh, shit. Jean: I'm coming! Scott: Oh, shit! Jean: Scott too! Scott: But before we go There's something you've got to know...uh-oh. I haven't the guts that I need, Jean. If only you'd say you like me, Jean! I'll do it eventually, Jean, But once again I just cannot seem, Jean To tell you. Oh shit, Jean. Jean: Oh Scott, why not? Scott: Oh shit, Jean. 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page I love... (music cuts off.) Jean: Yes, Cyclops? Scott: Nothing. Never mind. Oh God, I'm so depressed. (Exit Scott.) Jean: Oh, Scott, if only you could tell me how you really feel! Watcher: But he can't! Jean: If only we could have the happiness together we deserve! Watcher: But you won't! Jean: If only I weren't the weakest and most helpless of the X-Men! Watcher: BUT YOU'RE NOT! (Exit Jean.) SCENE II + ________ (The Cafe a Go-Go. Various X-Men (old and new) sit about a collection of grotty tables with even grottier tablecloths. The remains of a large meal are scattered about. Some left-over flower-child sings "Stayin' Alive" in the background.) Alex: Boy, it sure is good to be back at the old Cafe a Go-Go. Me and my mutant mistress-- (Lorna coughs pointedly.) --of magnetism used to come here all the time. Amanda: Better watch it, Alex...Lorna might ask me for an old gypsy curse! Bobby: Yeah, cool it. Candy: Warren, are all your friends this...odd? Hank: Disregard our dubious dynamics, fair maid. Dig in! Kurt: Mmm, der Spatzle schmekt gut. Ach du Lieber--give me back my fork! 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page (Lorna giggles as she manouvers silverware around Kurt's head.) Lorna: Dad's got nothing on me! Moira: Ah, but can ye do that wi' my machine gun bullets? Ororo: Little brother, you seem uncomfortable. Peter: I am, Ororo. We do not have places like this in Siberia. (Peter gestures weakly at a go-go dancer.) Sean: Relax, boyo, relax. I hear this place is an old X-Men tradition. Warren: I still think we should have used my dad's membership card for that ritzy club--what was it... brimstone?--anyway, it's a much classier joint than this old place. Wolverine: Place reminds me of Rosie's. Now she was some + ___ lady. (Wolverine pops his claws and looks at Jean.) Xavier: Wolverine, please. I hardly think the subject + ______ is appropriate. (There is a short, uncomfortable silence. Scott stares meaningfully at Jean.) Scott: It's a little stuffy in here. I think I'll take a walk. Jean: Huh? Oh...yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Mind if I come too? (Scott and Jean leave. A few of the couples get up to dance; Wolverine remains at the table, absently carving something into it with a claw. Professor Xavier slowly turns pink.) SCENE III + _________ (Central Park: a romantic nocturnal setting. Scott and Jean walk down a secluded lane. Various crimes occur in the background.) Scott: ... I don't remember much of my childhood, except in-- Jean: The party certainly was a... 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Scott: --nightmares. I used to have a lot of them. I'd be falling through flames; I'd see faces--a man, a woman, my folks I guess. Jean: Candy seems to be very... Scott: I'll never know for sure. I was in the hospital for over a year, after I was found. Jean: Bolivar Trask... Scott: The doctors said I suffered some brain damage. That accounts for my amnesia, and-- Jean: How about those... Scott: --the Professor thinks that's why I can't control my optic-- Jean: Lovely weather we're... Scott: --blasts. I was never adopted, The orphanage was the only home I knew-- Jean: Did you hear the one about... Scott: --until I ran away, and the Professor saved me from a life of crime, and brought me to his "special" school. Jean: So... Scott: Saying all this isn't easy, Jean...I... Jean: (Heavy sigh.) Yes, Scott, what...? Scott: ...I...love you. I've loved you from the moment I set eyes on you... Jean (aside): I know, Scott. + ____ (aloud) And I, you, Scott, with all my heart... Scott: ...if only I... Jean: Oh shut up, you big lug, and kiss me! Scott: Jean, I...I...MMmmmmmm... (Terrible, huge somethings can be heard approaching.) Scott: WHAT?! Something HUGE is coming! Tearing up the trees....JEAN! 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Jean: Oh my God, no! NO! It can't be them! NOT THEM! Watcher: But it is! (The Sentinels attack and capture Jean. Scott gets depressed. Fade out.) SCENE IV + ________ (The shuttle. Jean is piloting, while the rest of the new X-Men huddle in the back. A pair of dice hangs in the windshield; the radio is playing a news show.) (on radio) Senator Kelly: We are gathered here to address an issue of critical national and international importance. This is not a witch hunt but, we hope and pray, a search for truth. Much about our world has changed in recent years. We face situations--and threats--undreamed of by earlier generations. One such is the appearance of homo superior--mutants! Flesh of our flesh, blood of our blood, yet possessing powers and abilities which set them apart--some would say above--the rest of humanity. (over radio) All X-Men: Watermelon canteloupe watermelon canteloupe... (With an expression of disgust, Scott reaches over Jean's shoulder and switches the station.) (on radio) Ultravox: ...My enemy, desire, Caressing me, desire; The torch I carry burns my hand. I can't control what I can't stand: Desire!... (Scott turns off the radio.) Wolverine: Face facts, team. This is it; we're all going to die. Kurt: And after all we went through, stealing the shuttle, defeating the Sentinels... Ororo: Not to mention those X-Sentinels. (Wolverine grunts.) Kurt: And now we're going to be fried by a radiation storm. What-- 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Jean: Look out! Here it comes! (Radiation storm hits. All X-Men scream, Jean loudest of all. The shuttle crashes into the bay, One by one the X-Men reappear on the surface, with one noticable exception.) Scott: Jean! Where's Jean? Oh my God... Kurt: Scott, mein freund, no. Jean got us down safely... but she can't have survived. Nothing human could have lived through that flare. Watcher: That's right... (Suddenly Phoenix erupts from the water.) Phoenix (aside): Wow! This is neat! I could never do this before! (aloud) Hear me, X-Men! No longer am I the woman you knew! I am fire! And life incarnate! Now and forever--I am PHOENIX! (aside) That's a good line. I'll have to remember it. Scott: Jean! Thank God you're all right! Jean: Well...not exactly... (sploosh) (Jean faints into the bay. Fade out.) SCENE V + _______ (A hospital waiting room. Kurt, Ororo, Wolverine, and Peter pace the floor; Xavier wheels himself back and forth.) (Cue "Solar Flare" music.) Kurt: In the velvet darkness of blackest space, We weren't safe. We were going to die, But Jeannie saved us all with Her own life. All X-Men: Jean was caught Burning in the ionized air. Jean was caught Burning in the solar flare. Jean was caught In the deadly, cosmic radiation rays. 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Wolverine: In the scummy water of a New York bay, There Jean Grey May have lived or died. We don't know what went On inside. All X-Men: Jean was caught Burning in the ionized air. Jean was caught Burning in the solar flare. Jean was caught In the deadly, cosmic radiation rays. Peter: Heroes all know That death lies in waiting. Where'er we go There can be no escaping Back to life. Back into life... All X-Men: Jean was caught Burning in the ionized air. Jean was caught Burning in the solar flare. Jean was caught In the deadly, cosmic radiation rays. SCENE VI + ________ (A private hospital room. Scott is by Jean's bedside. Hanging over Jean's bed is a large photo of the Hindenberg.) Scott: Oh, Jean, I'm so glad you're all right! Jean: Well...actually, Scott, I feel rather strange. Scott: What do you mean? Jean: How would you feel if I told you that I died-- and resurrected myself? Scott: I don't know. Why, do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to tell me? (Cue "X-Man" music.) Jean: It's astounding-- I'm still breathing! I thought I'd lost it all. I feel it in me, The power's growing-- I've got to keep control. 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page I remember I was dying-- I knew it was the end. Then it hit me The power came flooding-- I'll be an X-Man again! I'll be an X-Man again! I just rose from the dead To a new incarnation. Now I'm a god Of my own creation. Marvel Girl is gone, But the Phoenix power lives on. I'll be an X-Man again! I'll be an X-Man again! Scott: You're so silly. You didn't really. Next you will tell me That you have gills. Jean: Scott, please pay attention, I'd never have mentioned-- It--just to give you the chills! With a bit of a mind slip, I'm on a power trip And nothing will ever be the same, It's a startling sensation 'Cause I'm my own creation! 'N' I'll be an X-Man again! I'll be an X-Man again! I was piloting the shuttle and expecting to die, And I did! But I'm living and I still don't know why. A cosmic force seemed to fill my mind-- In a moment I'd left mortality behind! I've nothing in common with the rest of man. Death means nothing--never will again! And I'll be an X-Man again! Scott: You'll be an X-Man again! Both: (I/She) just rose from the dead To a new incarnation. Now (I'm/she's) a god Of (my/her) own creation. Marvel Girl is gone, But the Phoenix power lives on and on and on (I'll/She'll) be an X-Man again! (I'll/She'll) be an X-Man again! (Jean faints again. Scott is bemused. Fade out.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page SCENE VII + _________ (A hallway in the mansion. Scott is pounding, rather viciously, on the doors.) Scott: Come on, everybody! Up and at 'em! Time for a Danger room workout, let's go! Kurt: (coming out half-awake and -dressed) Scott, mein freund, not so loud! (Why, oh why did they have to telecast "The Crimson Permanent Assurance" at two AM?) We haven't forgotten. Peter: You seem upset, Cyclops. Is Jean no better? Scott: No, she's better than we could have hoped. But I've just had some--distressing--news, and I'm a little short-tempered. Ororo: Is there anything we can do, Scott? Scott: No...Jean will be home tomorrow. SCENE VIII + __________ (All the X-Men enter the Danger Room. Professor Xavier sits in the observation booth.) (Cue "Danger Room" music.) Xavier: How d'ya do--I Hope you like my Nifty Danger Room. It's here we practice To beat Galactus And other bad guys too. Don't get strung out By the way it looks; It's just a simulation. You may be better than man, But, with my helping hand, You'll be the best heroes in creation! You'll be some real tough muties Thanks to Cerebro and the Danger Roo-oo-oom! (Peter hefts a gift-wrapped 100-ton weight. Kurt scratches his head with his tail.) Peter: Let me take on a droid If you want it destroyed 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page I can do it without even trying. (Illustrates.) Ororo: Little brother, that's fine Now this windstorm of mine Will keep all the missiles from flying. (Gesticulates.) Scott: Well, you took care of that But don't be caught flat The test sequence still isn't over. (Pontificates.) Wolverine: Good! Scott: Just keep up your guard And fight really hard. (aside) I wonder if Jean knows I love her? (Vacillates.) Kurt: Don't worry so, Scott-- If they're in a tight spot I'll just bamf them right out in a hurry. An advantage, you see, Of a friend built like me-- And the best is that I'm blue and furry! (Demonstrates.) All X-Men: We'll be some real tough muties Thanks to Cerebro and the Danger Roo-oo-oom! Wolverine: Let me go for a round (SNIKT!) I'm not morally bound (SNIKT!) This is my favorite obsession. Adamantium claws Will give anyone pause And they're really good for dissection. (Kills.) All X-Men: We'll be some real tough muties Thanks to Cerebro and the Danger Roo-oo-oom! Wolverine: Kill it! Kill it! Scott & Peter: We'll be some real tough muties Ororo & Kurt: Real tough muties... All X-Men: Thanks to Cerebro and the Danger Roo-oo-oom! Xavier: So, come up to the board And see just how you scored. 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Wolverine: Hey, Chuck, give it a rest, huh? Xavier: You all did just fine, But do better next time, And, Wolverine, please--call me "Professor". (Fade out.) SCENE IX + ________ (A dark and dismal room in the mansion. Scott enters, alone and depressed as usual.) Scott: Face it, Summers. No matter which way you cut it, you're the one X-Man who can't hide what he is...and who dares not forget. Because if he does, someone might get killed. Killed by my eyes! My cursed, mutant, energy-blasting eyes! (Cue "Scott's Theme" music.) Scott: There's raw, seething power bottled up inside of my head And if I lose control for a moment someone's gonna be dead. Oh, An orphan I, And I don't know the reason why. Oh, I could just cry, My life is a mess and it's not getting better. (Enter Kurt behind Scott and unseen by him.) I'm a mutant for sure; I can't hide what it is that I am. I try to live my life normally but inside I know it's a sham! Oh Deformity! No one is as deformed as me. (Kurt is attempting to make a splendid gesture, but failing for want of a middle finger.) Oh, can't you see My life is a mess and it's not getting better! Kurt: Sha la la la la, you should try mine! (Kurt dances around Scott, waving hands and tail. Scott is too depressed to notice. Fade out.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page SCENE X + _______ (The secret headquarters of the Hellfire Club. Jason Wyngarde, Emma Frost, and others are sitting around a conference table talking.) Shaw: I don't know. Emma. They could be difficult to control. Emma: Not the way I'll train them. I guarantee it. Leland: Besides, if our Black King's plan works out, we won't need children. Jason: It will work. Already Jean Grey is confused and disturbed. Soon she will be completely in my power. Phoenix will be our--my--new Black Queen! + __ Emma: Are you certain you can control her? Her power rivals any we've seen before...even mine. Jason: Yes, even yours, my dear Miss Frost. But you needn't worry. Soon she will be putty in my hands...she will belong, body and soul, to the Hellfire Club! (Fade out.) SCENE XIA + _________ (Atop a butte in Arizona. Scott and Jean are sitting next to a picnic basket, dressed as Cyclops and Phoenix. As the camera pans in, their costumes shift to street clothes.) Jean: Come on, Scott, it's time the X-Men's team leader took some time off. (Scott makes a non-committal grunt.) Jean: You're depressed again, aren't you. I can tell. Scott: Can't hide anything from a telepath. Jean: I hardly need to be a telepath to tell that you're upset. But I know how to cheer you up... (Cue "Seven Days" music.) Jean: A mutant, Unwanted, without any home, Can be part of a crowd And still be alone. But with Xavier and me, And the rest of the team, The beams from his eyes 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page He won't have to disguise. And now that Phoenix is here, Your glasses might as well disappear-- (They do.) I can end all your fears! You'll be a free man, Oh honey! and a complete man. We'll eat breakfast Together, high up on this butte. Ya know, minus the glasses, You're kinda cute! Just make an effort, Scott, I know that you can. And in just seven days I will make you a man! We'll be happy, and busy, And go without sleep. We'll let superheroing Go take a leap! Such strenuous loving We just won't want to end, And in just seven days Watcher: And seven nights! Jean: I will make you a man! SCENE XIB + _________ (The Danger Room. Wolverine stands, with claws extended, surrounded by piles of smoking shrapnel, breathing heavily, a WARNING-DANGER alarm flashes in the background.) (Cue "Hey There Mutie" music.) Wolverine: Whatever happened to living to fight? I slashed 'em up and it felt so right. It ain't been the same since Phoenix' light Came into my life--I think she is so fi-ine. Why she don't love me--I just don't know. What does she see in that Cyclops bozo? I'm her kinda guy and I think that it shows-- She's my kinda gal and she's gonna be mi-ine! Hey there, mutie! Hear me yell! I really dig that Phoenix gal! Hey there, mutie! Hear me yell! I really dig that Phoenix gal! 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page I've had a lotta lovers but they hooked on the side. Jeannie is different, but I've still got my pride. Pretty soon she'll tire of this Scott Summers guy And then she will see that she really is mi-ine! We belong together; we've got a link: We've got the very same killer instinct. We can both kill without havin' ta think. Together we could have such a very fine ti-ime! Hey there, mutie! Hear me yell! I really dig that Phoenix gal! Hey there, mutie! Hear me yell! I really dig that Phoenix gal! (Repeat a lot.) SCENE XIC + _________ (Meanwhile back at the butte...) (Cue "Seven Days" reprise.) Jean: But a sharp claw, and an incisor Ain't nothin' to what a visor Can make me (oo-oo-oo) do! Can make me wanna take Charles Xavier By the --wheels? In just seven days (oh Scotty!) I will make you a man! We don't need conversation, Just mind association. Watcher: ...copulation! Scott: I'm a Phoenix fan. Both: In just seven days, (I/She) will make (you/me) a man! Jean: Dig it if you can! Both: In just seven days, And seven nights, I/She will make you/me a man! Jean: So Scott, what shall we do now, Jason? Scott: Say WHAT?! (Discreet fade out.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page ACT II + ______ SCENE I + _______ (A week passes...the X-Men have been captured by the Hellfire Club! Jean, dressed as the Black Queen, is taunting her bound friends. Scott's face is covered with a ruby quartz mask.) Peter: Storm, all of you--I do not understand. I know that is Jean Grey... Ororo: Yet she isn't, Colossus. Kurt: What have they done to her? Scott: mmrrmmpphh! Watcher: Scott knows! Jason: You're far more vivacious, and exciting, than your predecessor, the White Queen. I like that. Watcher: Jason knows! Black Queen: I'm glad, Jason. I like you, too. Watcher: Jean knows, and doesn't care--yet! Scott: MMRRMMPPHH!! (Jason knees Scott in the groin. Scott falls down. Jean looks puzzled for a moment, then calm, prepared, silent.) Jason: So quake with fear, you tiny fools! Jean Grey belongs to the Hellfire Club, body and soul, now and forever! Jean: Wrong, Jason. Instead of enslaving me forever, you shocked me awake. You set me free. Too late. (Jean frees the X-Men; they fight fiercely. Jean is looking more and more distressed.) Scott: What's the matter, Jean? Talk to me! Let me help! Jean: It's too late, my darling. For me, for us, for--everything. (She transforms into Dark Phoenix.) Hear me, X-Men! No longer am I the woman you 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page knew! I am fire! And life incarnate! Now and forever----I am PHOENIX! (aside) I knew that line would come in handy someday! (Dark Phoenix attacks the X-Men.) Scott: Why are you attacking us? For pity's sake, Jean--WHY? Dark Phoenix: BECAUSE I CAN! (She strikes like the angel of death--terrible in her unhuman beauty--as elemental, as majestic, as the stars in the heavens. And as irresistable. Having knocked them all unconscious, she leaves.) SCENE II + ________ (Dark Phoenix in space, on a rampage, having fun.) Galactus: What was that?! (Cue "Oh Fear Me" music.) Dark Phoenix: I used to be so frail Wan and pale. (--bleah!) I'd only been Marvel Girl before. Galactus: You mean she's--? (Watcher nods.) Galactus: Oh SHIT! Dark Phoenix: But now the Phoenix power Just grows by the hour, Now it desires to soar...and devour. I already know Just where to go, I've tasted blood but I need more. Watcher: More, more, more. Dark Phoenix: I don't need assistence, Just some real subsistance, I think perhaps I'll eat That star, for instance! Fear, oh fear, oh fear, oh fear me! Don't dare to come near me! 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page I am no longer your Jeannie-- I am incarnate power! I'll continue to grow, (giggle) And you know That anything I want is mine. Watcher: Hers, hers, hers. Dark Phoenix: The hunger in me's aching-- D'Bari's mine for taking. I am the Chaos-Bringer, Doom creating! Fear, oh fear, oh fear, oh fear me! Don't dare to come near me! I am no longer their Jeannie-- I am incarnate power! The D'Barians: Fear, oh fear, oh fear, oh fear her! We don't wanna get near her. We don't wanna be dinner-- Or a side dish! Dark Phoenix: Fear, oh fear, oh fear, oh fear me! Don't dare to come near me! I am no longer their Jeannie! I am incarnate power! Watcher: Incarnate Power. Xavier: Incarnate Power? Wolverine: Incarnate Power! Ororo: Incarnate Power. Peter: Incarnate Power. Kurt: Incarnate Power. Scott: Incarnate Power! Dark Phoenix: INCARNATE POWER! -urp! (Dark Phoenix flies into the star D'Bari, destroying it in the largest and most expensive of our special effects.) Watcher: Mutants are such interesting people. (Fade out.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page SCENE III + _________ (The dining room of the mansion. Dinner is laid on the table. All X-Men but Jean are bustling about and sitting down. A large bowl of asparagus is conspicuous.) Scott: Jean! Dinner's ready! Jean: (from off-stage) I'm not very hungry, what is it? (entering) Oh no! Not asparagus again! Ororo: What is the matter, Jean? Kurt: I thought you liked asparagus. Are you ill? Jean: No, no, it's just that I've already eaten. A star--I mean a sandwich--oh, me and my big mouth. (The X-Men react with horror. Jean transforms into Dark Phoenix and leaves through the roof. The X-Men watch her fly off into space.) Xavier: Well, I think we'd better go to the Greys'. (Fade out.) SCENE IV + ________ (The kitchen of the Greys' house. Mr. and Mrs. Grey and the X-Men sit around in various states of depression.) Ororo: Ever since we returned from New York, Scott has just sat there--not eating, not speaking. Peter: He's taking this very hard, Ororo. Watcher: Wouldn't you? Peter: If only there was something we could do to help-- Scott: Oh no! NO! Kurt: Scott! What's wrong? Scott: It's Phoenix--I can sense her in my mind, through the psionic rapport we share. She's... returning to Earth----and now she's HUNGRY! (Dark Phoenix lands in the yard, visible through the window. All attention being on Scott, no one sees her. The X-Men are 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page besieging Scott with "Where is she?", "What does she want?", etc.; Jean stands outside tapping her foot. Finally she walks up and puts her fist through the wall.) Dark Phoenix: Hi, guys. Miss me? SCENE V + _______ (The Grey's backyard. All the X-Men rush outside, Peter pushing Xavier's wheelchair.) (Cue "Jeannie Grey" music.) Xavier: You'd better calm down, Jeannie Grey; Get your powers to obey. You must not blow us all away. You'd better calm down, Jeannie Grey. You've gone amok But we won't pass the buck. You're a menace to the planets, You need a circuit breaker in you. We won't let Dark Phoenix win you. You'd better calm down, Jeannie Grey. I think it's time to operate. Lobotomy is what it's gotta be. It's something you'll get used to-- A pre-frontal can be nice! Dark Phoenix: You won't find Dark Phoenix quite the easy mark you imagine. This "pre-frontal lobotomy"-- it is, I suppose, some sort of power limitation by editorial fiat? Xavier: Yes, Jean. It's the only solution. Your power must be cut back to the relatively pathetic level of Marvel Girl. Dark Phoenix: All that just for destroying one lousy planet? Xavier: Planet? Schmanet! (ahem) I will help you, Jeannie Grey, I will drive Phoenix away! I will help you... Watcher: And then she cried out-- Dark Phoenix: NO! (There is a great thunderclap and flash. Jean, naked, starts to fall; Scott catches her.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Xavier: My plan has succeded! A fuse was all she needed! Jean is OK, The Dark Phoenix has been disabled, She's now stable. (ZOT!) (The professor--and his wheelchair--disappear. As all eyes are on Scott and Jean, no one notices.) Peter, Ororo, Kurt, Wolverine: Jean is OK, The Dark Phoenix has been disabled, She's now stable. (ZOT!) (Ororo, Kurt, Peter, and Wolverine vanish. Scott, of course, doesn't notice.) Scott: Jean, you're OK-- (ZOT!) (Scott and Jean disappear.) SCENE VI + ________ (The Shi'ar Throne ship. Majestrix Lilandra, the confused-looking X-Men, and various Shi'ar big-wigs.) Lilandra: Welcome, X-Men, to the throne ship of the Shi'ar! (Lilandra accompanies her words with an overdramatic, extraterrestrial gesture.) Xavier: Lilandra! What are you doing? Why have you brought us here? Lilandra: I wish that things had not come to this, Charles. But they have; and my first responsibility is to my people. To ensure their safety--to ensure the safety of the entire universe--Phoenix must be destroyed. Jean: Phoenix? Me? Why? Shi'ar captain: Uh oh. Looks like it's time for another one of "The Laundry's" touching musical flashbacks. (Cue "Phoenix" music.) Lilandra: From the day you were formed 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Watcher: Which was the day she died. Lilandra: You fought trouble. Watcher: With a capital "P". Lilandra: Now you're the thorn In my empire's side. You're not really bad, But your power has driven you mad. Because of you, D'Bari died! From the day she was formed All Shi'ar: Let the bombs drop! (Repeat as necessary.) Lilandra: I was worried That she would want more Than a life with Cyke. Phoenix, you see, Is a near-divinity-- And she's eating every planet in sight! When Jeannie died we all sat down and cried. We'd lost a dear, dear friend. Though you think I'm a heel, It'd be better, I feel, If the Phoenix were to die once again. Captain: I really am so sorry To say she ate D'Bari. The Phoenix power's growing And there really is no knowing what She'll do if we don't stop her here and now! Lilandra: For she must have gone bad Or gone crazy. I know it's quite sad, But she has to die. All X-Men: Tell us why, tell us why! Lilandra: For she's out of her head, And no one is safe 'til she's dead. For vengeance all D'Bari's dead do cry! Lilandra, X-Men: When Jeannie died we all sat down and cried, We'd lost a dear, dear friend. Though (you/we) think (I'm/she's) a heel, It'd be better, (I/she) feel(s), If the Phoenix were to die once again. (Repeat.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page Lilandra: Surrender her, X-Men. Xavier: Lilandra, wait! Jean Grey arilinn kee'par! + _______________ Lilandra: Sharra preserve us! Very well, Charles; you shall have your duel of honour. (Fade out.) SCENE VIIA + __________ (The master bedroom of the Shi'ar throne ship. Xavier and Lilandra recline on the sheets.) (Cue "Claremont Have Mercy" music.) Xavier: I was sure when this all began That we would benefit all of man; But Dark Phoenix has spoiled my plan By becoming much more than human. Now the only thing that we can hope Is that Jean might go up in smoke. Claremont have mercy, keep us safe From the power of Jean. SCENE VIIB + __________ (A gymnasium. Kurt hangs upside down by his tail, facing Ororo.) Kurt: Well I wish I knew what to do! Should I defend Jean or let her lose? I wish I didn't have to choose. Mein Gott im Himmel, what's the use. Ororo: She's the sister that I never had, How could we have let her go mad? Both: Claremont have mercy, keep us safe From the power of Jean. SCENE VIIC + __________ (Wolverine in the shower. He drops the soap and skewers it on a claw as it falls.) Wolverine: You can be free-- Fight it, Jeannie! You'll do good, you'll see-- Drive Phoenix away! 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page SCENE VIID + __________ (Peter in his room, wearing only his BVDs.) Peter: Though you abhor her, Despite your furor, We fought to cure her-- We will fight again! SCENE VIIE + __________ (A balcony "overlooking" space.) Scott: I feel depressed, Emotions repressed; Wrongs must be redressed, But why must Jeannie die? The fuses have been installed-- Her mind has been controlled. She's the Marvel Girl of old-- She couldn't hurt a fly! SCENE VIIIA + ___________ (Slow camera pan down from the Shi'ar ship toward the moon. Fanfare plays.) (voice-over) Xavier: Whatever happened to Jean Grey, The weakest X-Man of all? When the sentinels struck She could trip one--with luck-- But she couldn't quite get it to fall... SCENE VIIIB + ___________ (A mist blows away to reveal Jean, dressed as Marvel Girl, standing in a crater in the Blue Area of the moon. Battle rages around her.) Jean: I gave myself over to absolute pleasure, I swam the warm waters of sins of the mind: Psychic destruction beyond any measure And power incarnate to last me forever. I can just see it-- Oh, no, no, NO! (Jean transforms into Phoenix again.) The X-Men: oh no, not again... 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page oh no, not again... oh no, not again... Xavier: No! We've go to destroy Dark Phoenix Before her malevolence Watcher: Yay malevolence! Xavier: Is unleashed. Her power must be Worn away slowly, Or else the universe Will go BANG! It's a quite Simple choice: Her or us! Phoenix: It's beyond me. Scott: Fight it, Jeannie! Phoenix: God bless the Reverend Stryker! Watcher: Hey Phoenix! Whose universe do you think this is? (...Phoenix to Dark Phoenix, a progression as inevitable as...death?) Dark Phoenix: Mine mine mine my my mine mine mine! Mine mine mine mine mi-ine! I'm a wild and untamed thing! I'm a force with a deadly sting! I've got a power in my soul that brings My foes down with a fiery wing! So let the battle and your deaths rage on, It's OK as long as I have fun. Claremont is nothing when compared To the power of me! (Repeat as many times as she wants.) SCENE VIIIC + ___________ (The bridge of the Shi'ar throne ship. The captain rushes up to Lilandra.) Captain: Majestrix Shi'ar, It's all over. The Phoenix power Has broken free again! 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page We now are all doomed, The end is coming soon. It's been real nice knowing you. Here we go again! SCENE IX + ________ (The Blue Area of the moon. Dark Phoenix and Scott stand facing each other.) (Cue "I Can't Go On" music.) Dark Phoenix: On the day that I first died Goodbye Was all I had to say; Now I I must die again today, Oh my, my. And this time, that's how I must stay. 'Cause I've gone, oh, Too far To be Jean any more. And I'm very sure I can't go on. Every time I tried to change Back to Jean, All I caused was further pain. Now I see That it's time to end my shame And be free. Scott, my love, don't be afraid. 'Though I've gone, oh, Too far To be Jean any more. And I'm very sure I can't go on. (Dark Pheonix creates a pistol and holds it to her head.) Dark Phoenix: The following scene is not approved by the Comics Code Authority. Goodbye, Scott! Hello, oblivion! (She shoots herself.) (Scott falls to his knees beside Jean's shattered body. Slow camera pan back from the moon toward Earth.) (Cue "Superheroes" music.) 1 The Rocky Horror Mutant Show page (voice-over) Scott: Jean's gone from me, She had to die: Phoenix was doomed By her own mind. And all I know Is down inside I'm bleeding. Watcher: He's still depressed. (voice-over) Jean: And superheroes Come to grieve. Of their dear friend They are bereaved-- But they don't know I never planned on Leaving! Watcher: And crashing through the bright blue sky, An airplane is now flying by, Madelyne Pryor waving hi And grinning. (Cue "Finale" music.) Watcher: Superhero without equal-- Marvel Girl was just a prequel. Phoenix is gone; we all are grateful. In the next ish we'll meet Rachel! Uh oh, See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow And grow And grow. See the Phoenix Phoenix power Power grow.